Warning to all mums

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad

I would like to hear their side of the story too (as a pp said.) This is not my experience at all. OR the experience of anyone I know. Yes of course they fly the nest, get their own place, and don't visit as often as one may like - once every 3-4 weeks if we're lucky. But they are in touch most days, we visit them, and we know they have their own lives, and relationships and social lives, and careers. (And they are half hour's drive away.)

Something MUST have happened for your adult children to never - or rarely - be in touch. Our adult DC (now around 30) are in touch quite often with us (and us with them,) and they have certainly not 'discarded' us. (DH and I.)

As another poster said, you seem very focused on the money you spent on them.. Moreso than anything else...... 🤔

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I don’t know. I have a close family, see my parents weekly, siblings monthly, all very close.

But there are lots of factors. My parents are still together and my sister and I are very family oriented, brother goes with the flow. I live 5 mins from my parents.

I feel for you OP, I’m very aware this could happen to me, I’ve already told them they can’t move far away (joking, not joking)

I talk to my mum nearly every day. It used to be twice a week, until I had DS last year and needed her more than ever. We don't see each other very often because we live miles away from each other, but that's life.

Grew up in large poor family. Nowt fancy. Never went abroad until I was in my 20’s and had finished uni. Parties,trips ,stuff isn’t the definition of a good childhood or guarantee of Brady bunch familial bonding

As others have said, it sounds like a very transactional relationship OP. Children don’t ask to be born and don’t owe their parents for being given a good upbringing. My mother would say similar and try to guilt trip me all the time. She conveniently never mentioned how she emotionally and physically abused me, no it was all woe is me. I went no contact 4 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made.

To be honest it’s shocking that you don’t see more of your DC now they are adults. I can’t imagine why that would be?

Maybe something to do with your attitude?

Mine have all left but are in regular contact. I let them live their lives but they know I'm here whenever they need me (sometimes it's exhausting!)
I had a mother I couldn't speak to and didn't want to contact as much as she needed me to, so I made sure I'd never do that to them

I wonder if you spoiled them and they didn't appreciate what you were doing for them.

Well that’s your experience.
My daughter and granddaughter are very much in my life. Pretty much daily contact.

It’s a bit strange to measure one’s parenting by the lavishness of parties and holidays to Disneyland. And that ‘no expenses were spared.’
I hope they remember that they had a happy home, and that they were supported and encouraged in all their endeavours.
(No Disney holidays here and no lavish parties but a very comfortable life).

I’m sorry that has happens to you but it hasn’t happened with my family. All our children and step children are very close and we see them all the time.

I get it. Also have friends with mid twenties dc who only get in touch rarely.
My ds will message or call may be once every three weeks but he is busy in the army.I
My dd doesn't txt or call much, sometimes I think is she going no contact?! Then I'll get a message.

That's so sad. I've heard the expression you gain a son in law but lose a son.

You seem to have quite a transactional relationship with your child.
you "gave" them "the best of everything" that has a price tag.

I was a single parent. I didn't have money to put into our relationship. What I gave to my child I gave because i loved them, not because i expected anything in return. What I gave I gave from love.

in return, I got a child who gives me things, from love. Not money, or things money can buy. But love.

we happily now share a house along with their much loved partner.

what I learned was that my child was not deprived because I couldn't buy them things. My child was rich, because they understood what love was, having experienced it, so could, and does, return it 10 fold.

Everything you have mentioned seems to be financial, working less, extravagant parties, disneyland. While I recognised you sacrificed a lot to give those things to your children, big holidays and expensive things aren't what make a childhood.

My childhood was very abusive and difficult (obviously not saying this is the case in your situation) but all my mother focuses on is that she "Gave us everything" and sites multiple expensive holidays and a big house as proof we had a good childhood while I dreaded the holidays and it was just taking me away from any of my own comforts and forcing me in close proximity with my parents and the big house may have looked great from the outside but it felt like a prison.

While I'm sure you weren't like my parents, could you reflect on your children's lives in a different way? Taking the financial stuff out of it, how was the emotional safety in the house? Were you close while they were growing up?

I speak to my mum every day and see her a couple of times a week - planning a holiday together for next year!

Yeah, I think when my oldest moves out he'll be like that. We have a good relationship but he has a lot going on and is a bit in his own little world sometimes so I'm not expecting regular long phone calls or anything.

I speak to my own parents every week and see them a few times a month on the whole.

As they should… that’s the whole point to prepare them to live a full independent life…

If you have strong foundations, in most cases, they dont discard you. They just put you into storage for a while to make room for other things. Then when they have more space, out you come again. Meanwhile you get to poke around the attic finding all sorts of interesting things you never even knew were there.

I think we need a lot more context here. My mother would say the same: we appeared to be a 'naice' family to others, we were all well dressed and were taken on holidays, piano lessons etc, but our mother verbally and physically abused us until the minute we were able to leave home. She now wonders why we don't call or visit.

Oh i'm sorry, op.

Assuming there are no big reasons for them doing so, let them all know how abandoned you feel - send them all a message where you pour your heart out. You dont deserve to be abandoned xx

I’m sorry things have turned out that way for you, OP, but your experience isn’t universal. I see my sons and daughters-in-law regularly, together and individually, and speak with them often. I’ve spent lots of time with my grandaughters, and although the older ones are now teenagers with their own busy lives - which is as it should be - they still visit and invite us to things now and again, and occasionally tag along when we do things with the younger ones.

It is important for adult children to make their own life , if they have done this then you did a good job.

You love your children when they are small so that they can grow up and become loving adults, who pass the love on.
If they stay close and have a good relationship with you that is wonderful, but it's not a truly reciprocal thing.

Or an alternative way of looking at it is that you did your job as a parent and raised them to independence.