Warning to all mums

You gave t try hem what you gave from the love of your heart buoy also enabled them to become independent self-fulfilling adults that still value and love you and you should be immensely proud. It’s natural that they get on with their lives, and you yours. It must be a huge adjustment that they don’t need you constantly but this frees you up to be completely you and to live your own life. Try to enjoy it, and yo make it as you want it.

When I left home and became independent - my goodness I wanted to be just that. Free of obligation, no-one to question what time I'd come home or who I'd come home with. In my (narrow minded) opinion, at that time, my life was exciting and liberated. My parents' life was full of duty, boring routine, and staid conversation. I probably spoke to them on the phone a couple of times a month (and I probably sounded extremely bored about most of what they had to say).

I'm sure they were disappointed but they let me have my wings. I flew. Sometimes I crashed. And a few years later in a more stable period of my life, our relationship became more adult/adult. I felt more responsibility toward them and our relationship. They (mostly) released the judgement on my life choices - or at lesat they manage not to express it :)

With my own adult dc, I have a frequent interaction with one family, and a much less frequent interaction with the other (one lives in another country). But the love I feel for my dc does not change. The love I feel for my dgc is equal -easier for the local Uk speaking ones than for the dgc whose first language is not English. But that is just a difference in communication.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad you are at a particular stage in your relationship with your adult children. Their needs and interests now may be far from yours. But there is always opportunity for that to change as you all get older. Keep as many doors open, communicate as much as seems reasonable (to them). I hope the warmth of your famly returns.

It is possible in ypur scenario OP you spoilt them and now they dont recognise that love isnt something you feel its something you do?

You may have given them so much all they learnt was how to take. Because if they all treat you this way maybe the common denominator needs considering, and nor because you werent lovely but because you taught them you could be taken for granted

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

It’s not my experience: My kids are thirty-ish and we are very close. Speak and/ or text most days and get together about once a month for a weekend visit either here or there. They live in London for their jobs and we’re in Somerset.

It's not fair to generalize. Not all children are like yours, and not all mothers are like you.

I believe it all boils down to family bonds, culture, relationships, intimacy, and open communication while growing and living together, sharing experiences along the way.

If a family lacks any of these, or even just one, things can become very complicated, and connections can deteriorate easily.

My three young adult siblings are currently living with our parents while working full-time hybrid jobs. I lived with my parents too until I found a job in the city where I now reside, which was when I was 23 years old. We are a very close and tight-knit family.

Boys find girlfriends/wifes to replace their mums, or just stretch thei4cwings @ bit.

Sorry, what was 'thei4wings' meant to say?

I have done the same knowing this is mostly the case. You do all those things for them unconditional and some will be more in touch than others. There is never guaranteed and some will changed when they have their own families.

Was that a typo? You facetime your mum 20 times a day?! Whaaaaaaat??

I think relationships can fluctuate- I was close to my mum, then distant, then close, then distant and back again. We are both very different people but she was always there for us. When we moved recently we made sure we had a room for them should they ever need it.

It’ quite common with boys. Boys find girlfriends/wifes to replace their mums, or just stretch thei4cwings @ bit. I think though that sometimes it’s a good thing because you’ve helped them develop independence to create their own life’s. They do gravitate back to you once they’re married and settled with their own families. Unless of course you have the DIL from hell….

Op my kids are still quite young so im aware that my view might be biased because unless things go terribly wrong I am probably going to be in their lives for at least another decade or so.

I always say that the job of a parent is to make themselves redundant (or as redundant as possible. I know in some cases this isn't possible).

You sound like you were a good parent and did a lot for your kids and your reward is the knowledge that you did right by your kids and the memories you made with them. Your reward is that you got to raise your children and the time you had with them.

I guess most parents miss their kids when they leave the nest. I know I will and I am not looking forward to it. And of course I hope that I will still be able to be in my kids' life but you cant take that for granted or think that they owe it to you.

It’s not true in my case either. I adore my parents and I’ve loved our relationships as adults as much as our relationships when I was young. My oldest moved out and calls me most days. I didn’t discard my parents and my adult child hasn’t discarded me.
What has actually happened with your family?

So where were your own parents whilst you were doing everything for your kids? Did you do the same thing to them and "discard" them when you had a family?

It's like adult kids can't win, if they still live with their parents they're failures who have disappointed them, if they leave and have their own lives they're ungrateful!

This was so beautifully put. It made me tear up a bit.😪🥺

The only people I know who don't talk to their parents are ones who have had major issues with them, for whatever reason. Not necessarily NC, but sees them out of duty.
i hope my DC are never like that with me. If anything we’re closer now they’re young adults. As an adult I saw my late mum once a week and spoke about twice a week, she would’ve been v involved in DC’s lives had she not died.

My MIL gave me this crap when my baby son was two weeks old.

Except neither of her sons lives more than 40m away and they see her regularly. She wants big family get togethers that last forever and doesn't get that the more she demands the more that people pull away.

We're moving near to my parents, because although it's nice to see them, they could move next door and we wouldn't see them any more than we had to.

I'm 40 and speak to my mum every day. See her 2 or 3 times a week. Love her to bits. Love my dad to bits too but he's often pottering about in and out of the house doing hobbies and jobs so don't tend to see quite as much of him. My husband doesn't bother with his parents at all. I could never understand this and have tried really hard to keep contact with them over the years, i guess thinking I could be the one who bridges the gap and brings them together. However, after living close by them for a few years i now get why he feels the way he does and I too keep my distance. They're fake, selfish, passive aggressive, manipulative and push and push for their own way all the time. The moment they dont get what they want the narrative is edited and changed to make me / us look bad to other family members. It's exhausting and anxiety inducing.

I have my own life but I spoke to my mum every day until she died and brought her to live with me when she got ill at 58. She was a good mum and I loved her very much. I would never discard the people I love so either you did something wrong to them to create this or you raised your children wrong. I am close to my DC although they are still at home so we will see what happens when they leave. I am also close to my dad.

I think you would have got a markedly different response if you had said "I've been discarded by my adult children and I don't know why. I did my best. Can anyone help me to understand?". When you (falsely) generalise your experience out to everyone else it immediately puts people's backs up.

I don’t think it’s wise to universalise your experience.

I’d do anything for my mum.

Maybe its just a bad time for them atm. Everyone forgets about loved ones from time to time. Im sure it will get better, chin up op do things to take your mind off things, fun things for yourself it sounds like you are going through a low patch ❤

I speak to my mum about 5 times a day. We live near each other and can pop in.
I think location is key, i grew up in an area close to a major city, its a nice area. Loads of career opportunities, there wasnt much reason to move anywhere else.
DH had a wonderful childhood but they moved across the globe a a lot then his parents settled in the back end of a beautiful rural nowhere. Needless to say its miles away from anywhere and we hardly see them.

You should have taken them to Disney world OP as we took ours - once - and they are popping back to us often , trailing partners sometimes, as much as they can be!

Seriously though - what is the issue? They have their own lives? Careers? They are living independently? If so, is that not great that you raised strong independent people who are contributing to society and making their way in the world?

I gave up a lot for my DC but I did that so they could go away from me and confidently 'launch". DH and I are loving watching ours making their mark, succeeding - we are also loving having time to focus on each other again after two decades of it being all about the DC.

We do not raise them to be constantly beside us, we raise them to flourish away from us and pop back if and when they want or need to do so.

I have 2 young children of my own and very much in love with my partner. I speak to my mum on the phone at least once a day, sometimes twice. She picks my son up from school every Thursday and make us Sunday dinner with enough for leftovers every single week. My brother does not have his own family yet and he probably speaks to my mum more than I do. He picks her up from work most days and takes her home and she still does his washing/ironing weekly just because. Funny think is growing up she couldn’t afford to take us to Disney!