Warning to all mums

My ex husband done the same to his parents, they done everything for him and he pretty much abandoned them. I on the other hand have a great relationship with them.

Im close to my dad but no contact with my mum for her behaviours.

Sometimes it’s sheer selfishness and sometimes, there is actually a reason that they may not want to disclose for the fear of being dismissed or denied- that’s my mums go to. Other times, life just gets in the way.

It makes me sad to hear these generalisations. My eldest son is a young adult and hasn't lived with me for a few years, he stays about an hours drive away. I speak to him pretty much daily. He started a new job today and called me 10 minutes after he finished to tell me how it went, I'd planned on waiting until I thought he'd be home, but he got in there first!

He doesn't live with anyone or have a family though, so maybe that'll change then?!

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad how does the communication go? Is it always only you texting/calling/asking to meet up, or are neither of you doing it?

My kids love me. We get on great, love spending time together and have a right laugh. So...😊

No, my DD is at university and neither myself or my mum feel
discarded by her.

I live 150 miles away from my mum. We WhatsApp daily and I try and visit every few weeks.

Why don’t you hear from your children? Do you make contact first?

I guess if it's all mum's, you discarded your own mum then?

Being involved with your family isn't a failure to be capable or independent though.

I'd be interested to know, though, if OP had sons or daughters.

This is what I hope for, that my children are independent capable adults living their best lives.

It’s good they’ve been able to go off and lead independent successful lives.

Do you regret your earlier choices?

Does your username reflect lots of holidays - perhaps they feel you are off living your life or find it hard to schedule around you.

Have you tried to speak to them about it?

Mine did not have extravagant holidays.
They did not have all their whims pandered to.
They had good home cooked meals. Clean comfortable home where their friends were welcomed and fed and safe .
They went to uni and returned.
all have great jobs and two have young children.
They all live within a five mile radius and I see them all the time .

3 sides to every story…. Also every family dynamic is different, my mum was very similar to you op, we had a lot as kids and we are all super close with my mum.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Why not engage with the thread YOU started, rather than through out a provocative OP that is clearly not the case for the overwhelming majority of families, and then one more passive aggressive comment, rather than replying to some of the questions and comments ?

Not my experience, even though we never went in for the extravagant birthday parties and multiple holidays to Disneyland.

Maybe your children didn't like Disney?

I do think DILs have a major role in this ( and I am not yet a MIL).

I am always astounded on MN the comments that get made about things like why shouldn't you just have Christmas with "your little family," and woe betide any MIL who buys clothing or a gift for the DC without consulting the Official List provided by the DIL of Gifts That Will Be Accepted (NB NO money should be expended on anything else as there are things we would like).

These dynamics drive wedges - and, actually, I think they are intended to.

Of course your MIL isn't as nice to have about as your own mum (normally) or the DH you chose. But it surprises me how DILS never stop to extrapolate this into a consideration of how they will feel is their "little family" decide to treat them the same in years to come. Of course, they are sure they won't be the same kind of "narcissist" MIL is ... You see it's not like they have opinions or like things their way or anything ...

And of course now we will hear a chorus of how it is in fact always MIL'S fault for having an opinion or wanting involvement ...

Trips to Disneyland does not a perfect Mum make
You might all benefit from some reflection on whether there was true connection there and not just financial or fancy holidays x

Sadly I don’t think you’re going to get very supportive replies without a bit more backstory to this.
I can’t imagine many (any?) kids discarding a parent for zero reason! Maybe there are very good reasons why they’ve done this but for some reason you don’t (cant?) see it?

HRTFT. I have three adult DC, a DIL and GD. My experience is the opposite. I wonder what your DC would say...

Facetime 20 times a day @PeachySmile2! That's about every 45 minutes for all the hours you are awake and even if you talk for only 10 minutes at a time.
How do you work or get anything done?

'Things' are not the same as love.

Sorry you feel that way. We don’t. Both of our kids are adults, one with her own family and home, the youngest at 22 about to move into his own home, with our help.
We've retired and moved away and we’re all embracing this new phase in all of our lives.
Of course we won’t see each other anywhere near as much as we did. Why would we? They have independent lives now, as do we again. We are incredibly proud of them and will enormously enjoy every time we meet up. That’s enough. Job done!

Is this the kind of passive aggressive nonsense you put on your kids?

What was your relationship like with your mum? Were you still in regular contact when you became an adult?
I think a big part of being a parent is being able to teach them to be independent from you and be proud of the lives they are creating for themselves.
I'm very close to my mum even if we have had our ups and downs! Such is life.

I see my mother and father almost every day. I'm in my fifties and my parents are in their eighties. My mum is bedbound, mute, incontinent, and in the end stage of dementia. My dad is her carer (as well as paid help). They weren't perfect parents all the time (who is?!) but they did their best and have been kind and generous when it mattered.

All four of us children visit as often as possible. No day goes by in any week when my dad doesn't at least get one of us popping in for a cup of tea and a chat, often a much longer visit where we help with stuff and also just sit and be with them. We try to take my dad out so he gets a break too, though he is sometimes resistant to this!

If your children aren't treating you as part of their lives, consider how you have brought them up and what you've raised them to think of as important. For us, we know that we are all part of a family and need to do what we can to help everyone else in the family.

Yikes I’m going to try to remember to call my mum tomorrow 🫣 it’s been a while with busy half term and kids activities. I do love her dearly tho