Warning to all mums

We don’t feel discarded,far from it. When we see them , it is quality time and proper conversations.

Maybe extravagant holidays and birthday parties aren’t the key to adult child/parent closeness ……..

I think you're probably forgetting that we're all children of our parents who have probably started our own families, and have wonderful memories to cherish with our parents.

To me, now I am an adult with agency and free choice, my desire to continue making wonderful memories all boils down to my mums ability to respect my boundaries and not be overbearing.

I still make wonderful memories and involve my mum and her mum in everything I can tolerate them being around for, but I am not going to have my boundaries pushed so they don't feel like victims.

I don't think you are unreasonable for these feelings - although plenty will be along to tell you you are.

It is quite unnatural the way families drift these days.

I think it's sad we now see it as a sign of strength for children to want to isolate themselves from family connections.

Of course where parents have not been good parents that' s understandable, No parent who left their dc can complain when the same happens in return.

Oof. I know at least one mother who would write this (and genuinely believe herself that there was no spin or anything left out) whose children - and outside observers - would tell the tale very differently! It may be worth a bit of honest self-reflection if you have genuinely been "discarded".

Alternatively, a more positive version of this is that you've raised your children successfully to be self-sufficient and independent. And, ultimately, isn't that the goal?

Crikey. Discarded is a bit harsh. I love my parents but we might go a month without speaking. We know we love each other and everything's fine, just life goes on.

I hope to build my own busy life after the kids have left. Enjoy more hobbies, holidays etc.

I get it.
I think it’s a bit of a lottery.
Some adult children are really close to their parents, some less so.
I live close by to my parents but I don’t see them as much as I might like as they like doing their own thing.
Plenty of my friends don’t go a day without speaking to their parents, and I know some who still live with theirs at 40! (Not saying this is good).

I always think of a school friend and her sister. Her parents were the ‘cool ones’ when we were kids, they hosted school discos, let us have parties as teenagers, were very laidback and a close family.
Now both daughters live at opposite ends of the world and I think they see each other/their parents once every couple of years.

This is a sad outlook 😞. Whatever has happened for you I’m sorry to hear that. But I have to say I don’t believe this is mine or my parents experience. I am in my 30s and still rely on my parents for emotional support and speak with them often. I have my own family now too and they are super supportive of us.

There is something very off about your posts @ILoveHolidaysAbroad I hope you have some good support in your life I think you have a lot of healing to do. I really think it would help your relationships with your children if you were to do it. Best of luck. Your situation sounds very difficult for you. It is far from being a universal situation though. I know tonnes of adults who are extremely close to their parents and my adult DD is thankfully close to her father and me.

Eventually, yes. After they’d gone out into the big, wide world first.

This post is about you feeling sorry for yourself. Somehow blaming your adult children for bringing them up well as if they owe you something back.

If they are out there thriving with their own families, you should be proud. You've done a great job and done your best, but they are independent adults now, there's nothing to be sad about! Fill your heart with joy for them instead of feeling sad and give yourself a pat on the back.

If you are feeling lonely, get yourself out there, get some hobbies, make new friends and take some time to focus on yourself. Everyone else is getting on with things

She might have been trying to adduce objective fact, rather than things that sounded like her take on how well she cared for them.

I understand, OP. I remained very close to my parents - even after I emigrated to America! - and I've often been really shocked at the extent to which my peers simply do not bother about their parents, including when very ill. They don't seem to care much about their feelings. I have seen it again and again and again, and I think it's so selfish.

You're not going to get anyone on here admitting that they don't bother about their parents.

Exactly what stood out to me too.

Did you hang out with them? Play music together? Chat? Cook? Watch films? Walk the dog? Have their pals round and get to know them? Go for meals one on one?

Ffs it's not about the best of everything or holidays. It's time, love, talking, fun.

Be sure to bring it up at any family events, tears at Christmas is always a good way to get your point across.

I really worry about this sort of thing as a single parent. As single mums we're often to not worry about being alone, sacrifice everything and concentrate on just bringing up our children. Often we end up staying single as we're the ones that manage everything. Then what happens when they leave? I couldn't cope if my son didn't speak to me after everything. I went through so much and he has been the light in all of it and I love him more than anything. I want him always to be in my life, even if he has his own independence. His own father, my ex, has a very controlling wife who cut him off from everyone, including his mother who he has been very close to, then she died without him seeing her for over a year. I'd be devastated if my own son ended up with someone like that.

I notice you focus on what you gave the materially but then bemoan more not having a relationship or emotional connection with them now, could the two be connected? Anyway I would be devastated not to be in my children's lives but we do have seasons of relationships, it may be when they are ain a different stage of life you might be closer to them again? Don't give up hope and keep the doors open

Sounds like my in laws! The ones who don't show any interest in their GC whatsoever, just the ones they favour. I wouldn't be surprised if the step MIL from hell has dictated that there's no way she's making any effort for her husbands kids and GC and he's not allowed either. Big wet fart that he is.

What goes around comes around.

My DM on the other hand, polar opposite and sees probably more of us all that she wants to 😅

I think that sometimes kids are so used to focussing on themselves that they forget about their parents.

When my husband's ex needed a medical procedure, I was astonished that her daughter didn't offer to take her to the hospital. (The ex's partner had died.) The daughter lived a good bit away, but she wasn't working and her child was away at university, so there was nothing to stop her from supporting her mum.

In the end, I took the ex. The kids did send me flowers and a note thanking me for helping their mum, but I was puzzled that they didn't step up.

You're absolutely right. This is why it's important not to get lost in the identity of parenthood and prepare for a life beyond it.

Everyone likes to think they're different.

You opening post gives off a very materialistic vibe: "the best of everything", "no expense", "extravagant holidays"...
It is really concerning that you did not mention how much you loved them or cared for them.
I don't think you are telling the full story.

I notice you talk about money spent, extravagant birthdays and Disney land. That stuff does not a happy childhood make.

Me neither and nor has my OH. We don't have fathers in our lives, his died and mine wasn't on the scene but we look out for our mums and aren't selfish.

Would it help to reframe it slightly? - you have taught them independence and self-sufficiency, for example.

Now this is the time in your life to live for you - to devote your time and efforts to something that you were not able to when your children were younger, be that hobbies, a career, volunteering, friends etc.

well - i live in a different continent and i am close to my mum - my bother and sister are close to her too - see her all the time, in fact, she stayed with me for 3 months and is now with my brother for a short holiday with his wife and kids... not sure your full story but i can say its different in other families...

Their wings obviously