Warning to all mums

I’m 59 and spoke to my mum daily before she died when I was 52. She’d phone early and we’d do the crossword in the paper before I went to work- her reading out the clues. I speak to Dad at least weekly- often more, and we go for walks together about once a fortnight.

My kids (38 and 25) speak to me every day. One FaceTimes with his son to say hello to GanGan (me), and the other I have a similar routine with as I had with my mum, where we do Wordle, Connections, and Chronophoto, and compare scores.

I don’t expect them to gush- our relationships have changed into friendships. I don’t physically see them as much because they live fair distances away (one in Europe), but I have my own life too.

I think we have to manage our expectations a bit. They can’t be with us because they have jobs, partners, kids, pets, friends… but we should have some of those things to keep us occupied too, and speaking to our grown children shouldn’t be a chore or a duty for any of us.

That is to say, there's nothing wrong with your children being the most important thing in your life. But they are not your WHOLE life.

Why must something have happened? Why is it SO impossible that her children are just a pair of selfish gits, like so many people are?

I do think too many mothers live vicariously through their children.

My relationship with my mum and her with her mum have worked this way too. I don't feel lacking in independence: I just love and appreciate my mum. And I actually like her - and have a DH who is secure enough to recognise that's fine.

I don't see op is somehow selfish or plainly undeserving if this isn't how it has panned out.

She hasn't told us enough to decide that.

Obviously you would want your children to be independent, but is it really reasonable for parents to "expect nothing"? As long as the parent wasn't abusive or awful in some other way, I do think we have a responsibility to the people who gave us life and nurtured us and love us more than almost anyone.

The notion of filial duty is dead in the water these days, and I think that's a bad thing. All things being equal, people SHOULD honour their parents, which could look like bothering to make a phone call once in a while to stay in touch. People are so selfish and are all about themselves. The irony is, they'd probably be happier if they gave more of themselves to others instead of putting themselves first all the time.

Sounds great. I look forward to all my time, money and space back. Thanks for telling me though OP, might dial back christmas a bit this year. 😂

Exactly.

Some posters are just so horrible.

Not always true. I grew up to have my own family and career but contact my mum daily and travel to see my parents as often as I can (we live 3 hours away due to work).

She also phoned her mum daily until she passed away.

So that’s not always the case

”Extravagance” and “no expense spared” doesn’t necessarily equal a happy childhood. There is the foundation which creates the roots and desire to return for children. You dont mention what their childhood was actually like outside of the parties and holidays. What kind of parents were you OP?

My god, why is everyone being SO horrible to an OP who is missing her children because they're too self-absorbed to be in contact with her much? It's a very common scenario. I don't have kids, but after you have grown them and birthed them and nurtured them and loved them, it must hurt like hell if they don't keep in touch much when they're older.

All the PP saying they'd be just fine with it and the point is to raise independent kids are being disingenuous, imo. There is NO reason why an adult child can't spread their wings, be independent, and also keep in touch with the parents who love them.

I'm sorry you feel discarded OP, can you flesh out the details a bit to give us a fuller understanding?

My dd are tweens so still young, and my parents in their 80s. I feel very loved by both generations but for me - I love my DC more - maybe this is the way; our kids don't love us the same way we love them, and that is natural.

As I say, dc are young so maybe I don't know anything .. they still adore me now and I would be heartbroken if they barely contacted me in future.

In other words, you are simply warm and loveable and have decided the op clearly isn't?

Maybe we were just supposed to get them safety to adulthood and then let them live their lives.

Yes, this op.

And why don't you share some more detail?

It isn't helpful for you to be lambasted by people jumping to assumptions about what the background is.

People are just being honest. It’s not a question of whether or not women heal each other, it’s just a fact that some families are closer than others. I’m 65. My daughter has four children, aged between 12 weeks and five years. I’m very lucky, she lives nearby. We speak every day and see each other at least twice a week. I am included in their holidays and am welcome any time. Her friends’ parents are not particularly warm; the difference is tangible.
It should be remembered that our children owe us nothing. We chose to have them and of course should do our best. We then have to hope that they love and respect us.

and in that case obviously not always a mother thing.

You seem scarred OP sorry about that. I hope you are ok. Have you tried inviting them over and making an effort?
My husband's parents are constantly calling us over for dinners we never say no to them. Theres a lot of consistency and that can help to rebuild what u think u have lost. Dont lose hope xx

Yes.
But my sister doesn't speak to her anywhere near as much so not always a daughter thing

Yes, I agree - and it's enabled by attitudes that paint traditional family ties as needy or suffocating.

Maybe it is because with so many families where the children were abandoned and have - understandably - made their peace with that by focusing on their own life, the children of attentive parents hear these stances and decide they are useful for them too.

I say again, I think a lot of DILs can't be bothered with ILs.

I frequently travel to spend the week with my mum and dad. And speak to them at least twice a week, usually for an hour or more.

Nonetheless, if my two don't have much time for me when they're grown up, I'll cherish the time I've had with them as babies and children. Can't imagine lamenting not spending more time dealing with invoice queries and appraising quotes.

Well that's what I was wondering too actually. 😂

Did you take them to stately homes Op?

But we don't know how long op's dc have been gone.

If they are first year uni, then yes, it's a natural thing. But to me it sounds as though they have families of their own. I don't see anything grown up or clever about that at that stage of one's life.

Perhaps we are all answering a different thread, as op has not given a lot of detail.

That's so horrible. Why? Many, many people are extremely selfish and self-absorbed these days, helped along by the narcissism that social media encourages. And it's hardly an unheard-of trope, the adult child who doesn't bother enough about their parents. Why must she be the problem? I have witnessed a LOT of this behaviour among my peers towards their parents. I think it's relatively common.