Warning to all mums

Britney has deeply severe mental-health issues. I'm not sure she's a helpful example.

Sending hugs x

Re. your first para though, how many people have children for completely pure reasons? That's not human nature! It's also human nature to expect something back, otherwise why would you put yourself through it all? I'd wager that almost all parents expect at least some comfort and connection in their old age, even if they won't admit it. As long as your parent wasn't horrible, I also think that we have a duty to help our parents when they are old and ill, if we can, in whatever form that takes.

This is quite apt for this thread (not that I'm saying OP is anything like Britney!)-
https://amp.nine.com.au/article/d9abd33a-719b-4fa7-ad28-437b23a44414

"I don't know what's going on in their heads !!!" she said. "I always TRIED and TRIED, and maybe that's why they stopped coming here !!! I wanted them to love me so much that I might have overdone it !!!"
Spears' insight into her visits with her boys come days after their father, Kevin Federline, told the Daily Mail they no longer wanted to see their mother for the time being – and that's why they skipped her wedding to Sam Asghari in June.

In her post, Spears said she respected her sons' wishes to visit her "less" but she still found the request "pretty harsh."
"I talk about it because my heart doesn't understand the cruelty. It breaks my heart..." she wrote. "I can't process how I dedicated 20 years of my life to those kids ... everything was about them !!!"

Just quite interesting to see how Britney saw things compared to how her kids saw things.

I also think it's about expectations
If you have children for what they can give you ...Ie ...a sense of purpose a sense of belonging,a reason to live ,a reason to get up each morning...

Then obviously your going to struggle when they leave home .,

Or if you see parenting as transactional ,ie ..I gave you XYZ so now I expect you to support me in old age ..or I gave you everything I had of me ..now you don't need me as much ,I feel used ..
Again that's going to lead to disappointment for the parent

If your children become your whole life ,your going to struggle when they leave home .
Really important,that our children don't become our whole life ,we must keep a life for ourselves to fall back on when we are not needed so much ..
It's not healthy to need our children,when they are adults,

Thank you so much. Yes, it's really hard being an adult "orphan." It was only a year ago that I lost my second parent.

I'm really sorry that you had a rubbish mum. That's a tough card to be dealt.

The OP was very obviously upset that her children don't bother with her much. It's a scenario that most parents dread - their kids not wanting to be in touch very much once they've left home. Why on earth didn't posters support her instead of IMMEDIATELY jumping to the conclusion that she was the problem? It was very clear to me that she was hurting. This is one of the nastiest threads I've read on here. It's not fair, and I think many posters should apologise to the OP for their lack of support.

I'm sorry to hear that 💐

It's lovely to hear you had a close relationship and miss them (if that makes sense?!) I do not feel that at all. There's nothing left other than I hope she is enjoying her life and passes peacefully when the time comes. There will be nothing to miss from a mother/child relationship perspective. I would be devastated if my children felt the same way about me.

Found the light of the party!

Erm, that's not exactly what I said, but OK! 🤣

Parenting (good parenting) is a sacrifice, and I could not have done it. Hats off to all the parents.

"My god, why is everyone being SO horrible to an OP who is missing her children because they're too self-absorbed to be in contact with her much?"

Because we have no idea that is the case at all.
The OP has given us NO information.
Plus, of course we know there is always at least one other version of a story like this.

We have absolutely NO evidence that the children "are too self-absorbed to be in contact with her much".

I think it's like birds ,the nest is full when the birds are grown and need to fly to make their own life .
Children are only lent to us for a little while
I don't think its about being discarded ,it's that we are not central to their life anymore.their own children and partners become central.
I found parenting really intense and full on ,and life is so much easier now they are adults .

Sounds like you think money can buy love. I had not a single Disney trip growing up but I’ve managed to still want to see my mum in adulthood.

Yes so parents are just as selfish as their kids and everyone else in the world then, glad you agree!

I’m 28 with my own DD and partner and I see my mum almost daily

I hear you OP. I also think ‘they are not trauma bonded and I gave them wings’ let them fly.

Obviously people have children because they want them, yes.

Unless you had horrible parents, I do think that you have a duty to them. That is a deeply, deeply unfashionable view today, I know!

My parents are dead, and I'd give anything to see them again.

Of course some parents are awful, but most are not awful and love their kids. Selfishness is much more common than abusive parents, IMO. Especially these days, where everyone is so self-absorbed thanks to social media.

My mum.was extremely abusive and I didn't discarding her. Maybe that's the answer. Trauma bonding.

My eldest is at uni and hardly stays in contact but he is like that with everyone. He is fine once home. I do wonder how he will be once he is fully left home. I have told him if I have to use financial blackmail to force contact, I will. We laughed, he is still shit at staying in touch. He is busy living his life.

Obviously you would want your children to be independent, but is it really reasonable for parents to "expect nothing"? As long as the parent wasn't abusive or awful in some other way, I do think we have a responsibility to the people who gave us life and nurtured us and love us more than almost anyone.

Having children is more about the parents needs and wants than anything, it's not a selfless thing. There was a thread the other day where someone said you raise kids to be self-sufficient so they can come back and care for you when you're old 🙄it's always that, or "I need to give my kids what I didn't have"-so trying to recreate their own childhood. And most men only want kids so they can take them fishing/hunting/football etc. it's ALL about the parents, always. The OP thinks because she took her kids to Disneyland they should just be grateful!

I had asked OP about who is texting/calling/asking to meet up (if it's only her or neither) to not add to anymore harshness, but I need to reply to this even if it doesn't necessarily pertain to the OP.

You don't have kids, but you're someone's 'kid', how do you feel about your parents?

I have a close relationship with my kids, and my Dad, but have nothing to do with my mother. She'll tell everyone we're selfish and she 'did everything for us'...no she didn't, she guilted us constantly. Expected her to be the centre of our world. Banged on about everything she did bringing us up and how hard it was, but when WE had kids apparently we had loads of spare time to do everything she wanted. She had a mum, my lovely Gran since passed, who helped my Mum out loads. My mum didn't do that for us - not that I would have wanted her too because then my kids would be the next ones given the guilt trip (which they have been! One feels sorry for her, the other refuses to talk to her).

So yes, there are reasons adult children do not speak to their parents and it's not simply down to not being taken on nice trips or being starved/abused.

My siblings and I don't stay near each other and none of us speak to her. Hasn't crossed her mind she's the common denominator.

I speak to my adult son most days, will WhatsApp throughout the day too and see him at least once a week.

I get this; my 16 yr old son is estranged from me; I brought him up as a single parent.

Went without to give him the best opportunities, and we had what I thought was a close, loving relationship. But, after alienation from his dad, he's cut me out and I'm just a footnote in his life

His dad and his dad's family meanwhile who never sacrificed anything in his earlier life (money, time, actual parenting) are the only things that matter to my son now.

It's months since I spoke to or seen my son. Interractions now are weird and stilted. If I face-timed him he might answer, but would make it obvious through non verbal cues he has zero interest in speaking to me by doing something else while talking. He doesn't really read any messages and responses are one word if at all

Meanwhile if he does visit me once a year for an hour, he'll be messaging his dad non-stop, or diving to the loo every 5 mins to make secret calls to his dad

This was a child, who up to last year would fling his arms round me and laugh and joke with me all the time

So, solidarity. Sometimes it just turns out like this. People and feelings change, even people you think you know well. Maybe they will come back in time

Dh rabg mil every day ubtil she passed away age 91. We visited once or twice weekly. Mol was amazing.

My larents live abroad. Mum has been dead 10 years our contact was regularly but not often like once a month. I was ok with that i needed low contact with her. I speak w my father bo weekly stepdad monthly. Siblings once or twice a year. Sil monthly.
My adult children i hear fro. Daily in pur WhatsApp group speak woth regularly and aee often 2 are at uni so more linited but 2 called me today and thats not unusual.

The notion of filial duty is dead in the water these days, and I think that's a bad thing. All things being equal, people SHOULD honour their parents, which could look like bothering to make a phone call once in a while to stay in touch. People are so selfish and are all about themselves. The irony is, they'd probably be happier if they gave more of themselves to others instead of putting themselves first all the time.

So well put. This is what I have been trying to say - and would have said if I'd thought of this way of putting it.

I make an exception for children with crap parents. It's incredible how parents who abandon or compromise children's lives to live their own will whinge about their children being ungrateful ("they never accepted their abusive step-father: what a brat"), but we have no basis whatsoever to think that is op's situation.