Warning to all mums

This is a very sad post.
I lost my Mum recently. I'm in my fifties and spoke to her almost every day of my life. I was very grateful for everything she did for me.

I have grown up children - it's so rare I don't hear from them that I worry if I don't......
I am sorry you feel discarded. Give your children space, and hopefully they will realise love goes two ways.

Ouch

Evidence?

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad my opinion is that usually, secure and happy kids have the confidence to go out in the world and live their lives because they’ve had such a good upbringing. You’ve done well. They know you are there.

In my twenties and early thirties I didn’t see much of my parents. I do now I’m a bit older. It’s just how life goes, I think. They’re enjoying their independence in the world but it will all settle in years to come, I am sure

Ah to be sure we're all terrible children. Thankfully we stopped caring years ago.

Are you my sibling? My mother would prep all her supporters in advance of momentous family events: weddings, christenings, funerals and then they would give us lecture after lecture - at the actual event - about what terrible children we were while she stood in the background smirking.

I have a bloody Irish Catholic mother, who did sweet FA for her own mother leaving that to my aunt. But expected the world from her own children.

Sure but have you ever met an Irish catholic mother - the guilt! My mother expects all her sacrifices paid for

Mine did at 7. But they do grow up, move away, fall in love, marry, and you hope treat their wives well. Just hope for lovely daughter in law

You sound like someone who gets very immersed in whatever you are doing, OP, so when your children were younger it was making sure you did everything you could for them, now it's your business, working seven days are week.

Perhaps your children are the same and they are just very immersed in whatever they are up to at the moment. It doesn't mean that it will always be like this.

Absolutely agree. My 7 year old son is very much a mummy's boy. He always loves me and comes to me when upset.

When you grow up catholic you’re told that you don’t give to receive

I have read this and thought how wonderful for your kids that you have given them their wings to fly.

It doesn’t quite add up and I suspect there is more to this but time for you to have your fun and spend time doing what you want to do.

That's pretty dismissive and patronising. I would feel the same too

Oh well will you look at that!. 1 boy and 1 girl. Can people please stop it with the boys don't love their mums shit. They adore them. Hence we have the "evil MIL trope". Just let your husbands love their mums like you love yours. It's always the DIL who clashes with the MIL. Never the SIL clashing with the FIL. I think us women need to get our shit together and stop blaming other women ( the ones that raised the man you married) for every tiny thing. Sorry rant over.😍

You've chosen not to give a full picture of how things have been, OP. Just answered some questions. So there's not much to engage with. eg Working seven days a week is pretty extreme, but you haven't elaborated.

In other words, don't spoil your kids.

Don't you also have your own life? Were those years not worth it on their own merit? What efforts do you make to be closer to them? I've spent years living abroad, as does my wife. Doesn't mean we don't love our parents, just that circumstances are tricky. Not such a problem because they have active lives of their own.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad
I would like to (gently) suggest this is your chickens coming home to roost. You don’t do your children, or anyone around them, any favours by spoiling them. You have taught them that their wants and needs and feelings come before everyone else’s. You can’t expect them to do anything but act like that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Based on a case study of one family?
I never ‘discarded’ either of my parents, we’ll be a constant in each other’s lives until we are parted by death. We will always need each other, regardless of age.

I would suggest putting your cards on the table and saying to your children that you miss them and want more contact, life is too short to not identify and explain any elephants in the room.

Look on the bright side OP, you have obviously brought them up well because they have full lives. It can be hard work for younger adults trying to work at their careers, bring up their children etc.

You say there are no fall outs so I doubt they are self consciously cutting you out, they may just be busy. You can't make them responsible for your happiness so don't try, and don't whatever you do try to guilt them into seeing you more. It may work but they will resent every minute of it, is that what you want?

Best to just focus on filling up your own life with interests, friends etc now your child rearing is done and you have the freedom to do so. Be happy for them and let go, just regularly reach out to them with love and no obligations.

I have to confess that the self pitying tone of this post has got to me quite badly. I have one DS who has severe disabilities, won't ever be independent so unlike your DC mine will be with me for life. Very limited opportunities for a fulfilling life for myself either.

I am not sure whether that is what you are thinking of in your desire to keep your DC with you forever; or whether you have considered the impact of your post on others. You don't consider mums like me evidently, in your 'warning to all mums'. Still, for me it is a useful insight into the preoccupations of 'normal' mums; otherwise it would just be yet another self-pitying 'woe is me' piece of claptrap for me to stomach on MN.

Wow. You do realise your situation doesn’t dictate others? I had the loveliest upbringing. Parents did absolutely everything they could for my brother and me. My mum sadly died 3 years ago but we used to speak on the phone every single day. And I still talk to my dad every day. My world fell apart when my mum died, so did my brothers. I’m now a mum myself and I’m sure my son and future children will hopefully be the same.

The very fact you based your love and attention on extravagant hings kinda explains something. Maybe reflect on that... How did you react when they cried? Needed supportive ear rather than a lecture...

A mother's worth is not based on things or extravagance. Is based on how you show up for them. Your comment suggested you used materialistic things and that's not what your children needed... Them not being around as adults shows you're still the same!

Mum "gave you everything you everything, nice holidays, shoes etc"

Child " yes mum but you weren't there when I emotionally needed you!"

I think from what you’ve said that means you’ve done a good job. Your DC have made some good life choices and seem to have made a success of themselves so well done you. We don’t raise our children with the intention of them sticking close forever. We raise them so they have the skills and confidence to be independent.

As for seeing them I understand that it must feel sad but if you work 7 days a week, could it not be your availability that’s also contributing to the problem? It’s unfair to place the onus of visiting all on one person and expect them to fit in which your schedule. Relationships are a compromise.

Do you have other things to fill your time. Friends, hobbies, volunteering? I usually find this feeling of abandonment comes from people who devoted their whole lives to raising DC and forgot about themselves along the way. When the DC reach adulthood and independence the parent is lost as they’re no longer needed in the capacity they once were.

Whilst it’s commendable that you’ve raised your DC so well, they don’t owe you anything for the experience. They didn’t have a say in what kind of childhood you gave them, you made the choices and sacrifices and if you didn’t make them willingly that’s on you. I can understand you feeling sad but it’s unfair to decide that because of all the effort you put in your DD shouldn’t live abroad for example.