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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of my mother?

36 replies

TooOldforThisSh1t3 · 03/11/2025 17:24

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mum (alcoholic/ bad childhood/ not interested in me or my children). I’m now 36.

Two years ago, my DF passed away, and since then she’s been lonely. I have sympathy for this. Myself and DH have supported her a lot in many ways, and she has been helpful looking after our pets if we go away.

Because of this she has a key to our house. For the last year, things have got worse. She will turn up unannounced any day of the week (even though I’ve repeated asked her to let me know if shes planning to come over). She lets herself in, and sits drinking at our kitchen table until whatever time of the night she feels like leaving - sometimes 9pm! The kids (teenagers) don’t like being around her, so hide in their bedrooms. Last week, it was 3 days in a row!

It doesn’t matter if I say to her that I have to go out, or I’m busy, running around cooking dinner or helping the kids upstairs with homework etc - she will just sit here. My DH mentioned to her last week that we don’t seem to be able to get rid of her at the moment, and she just laughed and turned up again the next day.

Sometimes if I’m busy, she cries and says she feels like I don’t want her there. She can be very narcissistic and manipulates lots of situations so people always feel sorry for her.

Working part-time, carer for my DH, teenagers, dogs, house etc. My life is so busy, and even though my mum (62) works full-time, she also has health issues that I help her with. I’m drained.

YABU - suck it up, she’s lonely and you need to just deal with it to not hurt her feelings
YANBU - she needs to understand boundaries and that you have your own life that she makes difficult by constantly encroaching in our space.

if YANBU, any suggestions of how to deal with this? Thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldforThisSh1t3 · 03/11/2025 17:52

I’m so ashamed to admit this, but my DDs birthday this year, she stayed upstairs the whole night and my mum wouldn’t get the hint to leave. She ended up going at 9pm, my DD and DS then came down so we could do her bday cake 😞.

I keep trying to explain to my DH that growing up with an alcoholic and abusive mum has resulted in me being scared to rock the boat with her.

My Dsis has moved away and pretty much written her off, so it’s just me left to take all the shit.

I need to find the right words to be strong with her. Last thursday, she turned up at 12pm, and was still sitting here drinking at 2:30pm - I was pretty strong and said “Right, I really have to go food shopping and I’m leaving here in 10 mins”. She said ok and drank up quickly, but I could tell she was hurt. I haven’t heard from her since, and I’m enjoying the peace but still nervous every time the door goes!

OP posts:
Irisilume · 03/11/2025 17:45

I mean, you could just agree with her next time she says you don't want her around. It's true and you don't get on with her anyways. She sounds dreadful, invading your house to binge drink and scaring the children.

2GreatFatSquirrels · 03/11/2025 17:41

Tell her to go to AA if she’s lonely a not your house

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 03/11/2025 17:40

She won't be the only one living alone if you don't crack this. Your dh and dc will be fleeing for The Hills before long imo. Take her key. Keep the blinds shut. And practice being quiet!

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/11/2025 17:39

Honestly, it sounds like youve just been hinting to her that its too much rather than having a straight up conversation

And tbh she sounds very lonely and like she is reaching out for help

This is the reality of your mum getting older. It sounds like although you arent her biggest fan, you have a relationship. And she is feeling hurt by you not wanting her around.

What can be done to improve things, so she isnt lonely? xx

PuzzlesonSaturday · 03/11/2025 17:36

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your mother's behaviour is unacceptable.

It's not fair on you or your family that she is behaving like this and completely unacceptable that your children have to be in her company when she has been drinking. She is being incredibly selfish.

Perhaps a serious talk with her when she hasn't been drinking might help, but I suspect you have already tried and failed with this strategy.

Given the effect this is having on you (it's totally unacceptable that you should have to stay away from your own home) and your family, I think you need to take drastic action and tell her that she is no longer welcome until she can respect you, your family and your home.

MatildaTheCat · 03/11/2025 17:35

that sounds very difficult but detrimental to your family life and therefore not ok.

Has your DM had any grief counselling? She sounds very lonely and desperate enough to keep coming despite knowing that she’s not welcome. If you don’t address it she could get even worse.

Unfortunately you have to have a kind but firm word and set whatever boundary you feel you can both cope with. So maybe she comes for supper once a week, comes for a cuppa once a week and no drinking? If the boundary is broken then the consequence has to be followed through.

Worst case scenario is removing her key/ changing the lock and ignoring the doorbell which would be heartbreaking for all of you. So coming from a compassionate place but this is unsustainable and likely to get worse.

ThejoyofNC · 03/11/2025 17:31

Take the key off her and start sending her home when it's not a good time.

ChoccieCornflake · 03/11/2025 17:31

Blimey! I would 100% change the locks - tell her you lost the key (to save an argument) and that actually you don't want anyone to have the key other than family as it's not really convenient to have people turning up unannounced, so no new key for her.

Think of it this way - who would you rather make happy - your kids, or her?

I would also think of a set phrase to repeat on a loop, eg "sorry mum, today is not convenient, how about a week next Tuesday?"

TheHillIsMine · 03/11/2025 17:29

Change the locks if you can't talk to her and make her understand that less is more..

Original poster
TooOldforThisSh1t3 · 03/11/2025 17:27

Just to add, we have a ring doorbell, and we all have started to dread it saying that someone it at the front door.
If she turns up and I’m not in, she will ring me questioning where I am and why I’m not at home because she’s come over to see us.

Honestly have considered going out every day at the time she normally turns up, but she now sometimes goes to the pub first and will turn up an hour later than normal 🤯

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