AIBU to have had enough of my mother?

I hope to god she's not driving

I expect she starts when she opens her eyes in the morning.

@TooOldforThisSh1t3 It sounds like you've taken the first step by telling her you are leaving in 10 minutes then following through. Well done, that must have been hard for you and you clearly felt it given your acknowledgement of her feelings. But that's just it, you and your family come first now. DM needs to fit in with you. It is also great news that your DH will back you 100%.

Now you just need to find a way to take another step forward. Personally I'm not sure I'd tackle the drinking at the same time as the frequency of visits, maybe I'm not that brave either! My MIL drank and was in total denial even when I would find random empty gin bottles stuffed between towels in the bathroom! Maybe tackle the visit frequency, decide your boundaries and then have a chat "Mum I want us to enjoy quality time together but your current visits are too impromptu therefore I'm going to suggest dinner on Wednesday night at 6pm and a cup of team on Sunday morning at 10am". Practice saying "no that doesn't work for me" "I'd prefer to stick to what I suggested" and repeat. Good luck, you won't find this easy but I think you have to put your family first.

You're enabling your mom's alcoholism. That needs to stop. Think about the behaviour you want to model for your children.

Change your locks.

You're going to have to set strong boundaries with your mom. Your house is not the local pub and she can't come over and drink every evening. She only can come over when she's invited and no alcohol. If she pulls out a bottle, she's out. And yes, physically if you have to. You might have to go very low contact or no contact.

You might want to go to AlAnon yourself and or individual counseling to see how your mom has affected you and patterns you need to break, like your mom is a grown woman and not your responsibility. Your kids are and you need to do better for them.

What’s she like if you speak to her before she starts drinking?

You need to put your actual responsibilities as a mother of children before what you think are your responsibilities (but which are not) to your mother.

Focus on that.

And then contact your mum and let her know what can and cannot happen from now on.

Tell her clearly that you will not allow her to sit in your house drinking alcohol or turn up if she’s just been to the pub. She can come round for a meal or chat on X day/days, and you will make her a cup of tea. Water or whatever you have is served at your evening meal.

If she gets out her ‘water’ bottle she will be told to leave immediately.

I would tell her that my children are my priority and they are scared by her drinking and resulting behaviour and that this is stopping right now. If you feel the need, tell her that DH has put his foot down.

Snd then follow through. If she turns up and it’s clear she’s been drinking, turn her away.

My MIL told me years ago that she had to tell her DB in no uncertain terms that if he ever turned up at her house for Sunday lunch, drunk again, she would slam the door in his face. He learned.

You need to be much more direct with her. If you struggle to do it for you do it for your children.

Come on OP. You’re a parent now. You need to prioritise your kids and their right to a peaceful happy home.

Change the locks
Invite your Mum over for dinner on a set evening.
Go out the other days until she gets sick of trying.
Don’t answer the door or phone at other times until she stops trying.

Prepare a sentence you’re comfortable with and repeat it ad nauseum, eg “Sorry Mum, we can’t do tonight but looking forward to seeing you on Thursday” or whatever.

Glad to read your update and I hope you can keep up what you plan.

Protecting yourself, I hope also forcing your mum to realise that as an alcoholic she needs to stop drinking.

Just because your sister moved away, that doesn't mean you have to go back to having contact with your mother. I can well see why you were NC for so long!

If it helps to clarify your mind on what you should do, from the outside this situation is awful - an alcoholic coming round to a house with kids in it and drinking for hours while they hide upstairs.

If mother is sitting in the kitchen drinking alcohol for hours on end just ban the booze in your home. It's a terrible example to set for your children.

I'd hide in my bedroom too if granny was sat there getting drunk.

How are you going to handle it if they come home drunk when you condone it in your mother.

I know this is hard. You've been programmed growing up to keep the peace - that is what children of alcoholics do 😔 can you ask your DH to back you and be there when you speak to her? You need to do this for your children - keep in mind this is for them.

I would say something like 'Mum, I love you but you can't keep doing this. Your drinking is a problem and I think you need to get some help with it. I am happy to go to the GP with you or find out some information about AA. But you can't keep coming here day after day - we need to have family time with the kids in the evening. I'm happy to pop in and have a catch up with you at the weekend. But for now, I need to take your key back and ask you not to come over in the week unless we've pre-arranged it'

Be prepared for her to rage, be nasty and heap emotional blackmail on you. Stay calm and stick to your guns. If she bombards you with calls and messages, you may have to block her on your phone.

Tell your husband and kids that you are doing this and that it's a very difficult thing for you to do. Hopefully they will support you.

Finally, I would look into some counselling for yourself to unpick all the coping behaviours you have had to learn as the child of an alcoholic. It will really help you to talk it all through with someone non-judgemental and neutral.

I appreciate all this is easy to say and difficult to implement. But for the sake of you and your family I hope you can find the strength to do it. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Boundaries, op. As in, set some. Take the key back and tell her why, or change the locks. Either way talk to her and tell her to stop coming round when she feels like it. Don’t just passively put up with it!

Stay strong.. When my dm flounced I left her to it.
For 10 years!
Currently been 13 years plus since I've seen her.
Won't be going back for more.

When you say drinking, tea, coffee, alcohol @TooOldforThisSh1t3 ?

You have hard and soft choices. You either go down the change the locks or plan to move away and cut her off. Or you tell her bluntly she cannot come over anymore, that your children and DH come first and her coming over and sitting drinking is not acceptable.
Yes it's sad and she is obviously struggling but that is not for you to fix by her ruining your family life.
There is no gentle hinting here she won't change. Personally I would be looking to move and not leave a forwarding address.

JFC OP! Your poor DD! Your DC are also being taught really poor boundaries by you not putting some in place.

Don’t make excuses to her, just tell her the truth and tell her what the new rules are, tell your DC what they are so they also feel ok about enforcing them.

I would 100% change the locks - tell her you lost the key (to save an argument) and that actually you don't want anyone to have the key other than family

This is a good idea, OP. It would be a bit challenging to ask her to stop turning up, so this sounds like one of the nearest thing to do. Hopefully, she'll get the hint.

I do understand that she is lonely but you can't be responsible for being her entertainment or for filling the time she doesn't know what to do with. She needs to address that herself.

Your sister has the right idea, she has her boundaries and has enforced them.

Your mother is not only making her own life a misery, (who wants to hang out with a drinker all day every day?), but 5 other people's lives difficult and miserable too.

There is no contract, moral or legal, than states that you have to entertain your mother when she is lonely.

You are choosing to take in this role in her life, she now has the benefit of everyone tiptoeing around her in case she "gets lonely".

You may have been parentified and designated as the person to mind your mother, but you do have a life of your own to lead.

This situation is not working for you, your family and if she's honest your mother too. Time for a change.

I think you need to have a very clear conversation with her that just ‘dropping in’ is interfering with family life and you need more structure and planning. I’d agree with here one day per week where she can come round - and only that day (assuming you are ok with one day). Ask her for her key to ensure the new regime is followed. If she refuses I’d change the locks and say you are still only available Thursday (for example) evenings. Or she might agree but still come round more often. When she comes round at times other than agreed, I’d literally leave her on the doorstep and restate that you are only available on Thursdays and come back then and close the door.

Be honest with her. If she says you don't want her there don't try and soothe her, tell her she is there too much and you want her to leave.