…to talk to my friends about personal stuff

Sorry, I’m with your DH. If you were going to offload to someone else, it should’ve been someone who wasn’t going to say anything. He’ll no doubt be feeling embarrassed and with good reason.

And yes, male friendships are very different. DH has lots of good, long-standing friends, and they rarely talk about anything emotional or personal. One of his group had a marriage breakdown, so DH and the others took him out for a drink. When he got back I asked what had happened with the marriage and he genuinely had no idea, they hadn’t even discussed it.

He must feel like a mug.

Ffs when are people going to realise that discussing private thoughts or actions with others is a massive no-no.
If you want to keep something a secret DON’T TELL ANYONE!!
I bet your husband is gutted and will probably mistrust you from now on - think before you share next time!

Your friend went out of her way to try and ruin your marriage. She is not a friend.

No this isn’t a “control thing” where the issue is he controls what you talk about. This is a “you thing”. You were unwise to share this with “multiple friends”. You chose the wrong people to confide in who then threw you under the bus - foolish to leave yourself so vulnerable. You have created drama and your husband rightly feels humiliated.

Whoever made the remark so it all came out isn’t a friend. Some stuff isn’t for sharing and some stuff can be shared in a safe way. You didn’t consider this. Sorry OP.

Not to clever of you.......

I think if needed confide in one best friend who you trust completely. Not someone who is going to try and hurt your husband! I wouldn’t have told anyone it was just a crush it would pass.

I think having one trusted friend you tell.evertrhing to (I have one).is fine. I trust her completely. But once a group of people know, and they all know they know, and it's discussed openly between the group it feels like of a secret to those who are involved.

If you were all laughing about it, this one friend might not have engaged her brain and realised it was something you wouldn't want your husband to know. She might have just forgotten herself in the moment. Some people do that without intending to be malicious.

But it does make her someone you can't trust because the others did realise that.

No - keep your own counsel about things like this. Even if your friends are normally trustworthy, they might get drunk and spill the beans.

Too risky - people can and will get hurt.

I never tell anyone anything I dont want people close to me to know, if if not intentional things get out

Same as I wouldn't say anything I would be upset if my husband said, it works both ways

I have learned to never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated. I've been told things that have been told to others in confidence 'but don't tell anyone'.

I don't ask, people just tell - or gossip. The worst for it is DH. I know everyone at works business - he's in a position the bosses tell him & he tells me, do men are just as bad!

I never repeat it, having been the person whose had deeply personal things told to close friends repeated. I find it sad people are so untrustworthy. My friend told me her troubles which had been going for a long time - if I'd known I could have supported her, but I get why she waited until she cracked under the strain until she told me.

But... you did not tell to your friends... this person who went back to your DH, that one is out of the friendship circle.
It is better to keep these things to oneself, to protect yourself from this type of issue. There is always a wolf in sheep skin around the corner.
Your husband does have a right to be upset, of course he does. On top of the crush, he has been humilated by your so called friends.

I have a rule that I don’t discuss anything about my marriage with anyone outside of my marriage or a therapist. I don’t tell anyone about any problems I’m having with my husband, including my very best since childhood or my Mum. I request my husband does the same, although it’s more of a don’t ask don’t tell policy (as in, he would never turn around and say “my mum says this about XYZ argument we had”).

I personally think the more people you open up your marriage to as an open forum discussion and debate, the more it becomes an issue and people, like your friend, can get inside it. My advice would be less talking to others, more talking to your husband.

I think this sort of stuff (crushes) should be kept private. Less trouble that way for everyone.

Quite agree with this. I talk to my friends about all sorts of stuff, and vice versa, never would we dream of telling others about the conversations.

Maybe be more careful of who you are talking to and who you can trust…

Well, yes, especially if you do it with multiple friends — it looks like gossip, or like you are basically indulging yourself by talking about your crush.

Absolutely, they happen to virtually everyone at some point, and I don’t think that in themselves they are any indicator of anything wrong, but you starve them of attention and get on with your life until they die off naturally.

And choosing to gush to a friend who has a long-standing friendship with your DH indicates really poor judgement.

I think it was partly motivated by loyalty to my DH who she is also friends with

Yeah this is really important. If I had to confide in someone about something similar I'd pick someone as distant from DP as possible - not just someone who was chiefly my friend, but someone who ideally didn't know, see or have contact with DP.

By the same token I've become friends with lots of my friends' partners and I'd feel really conflicted if they told me something like this.

And you didn't just confide in multiple people but you did so at the same time. That stops looking like "confiding in trusted friends about an issue causing you stress" and more like gossip. It's never really comfortable to know people have been talking about you behind your back, even if they were probably saying nice things, and in this case would have been utterly humiliating for him. Because it's not just about having a crush on another man, it's the knowledge that you'll have been comparing them in depth - their personalities, their bodies, how they make you feel.

The actual crush itself is probably the least important bit of this. Of course you never want to know if your partner fancies someone else but rationally everyone knows it happens. There's nothing wrong with having an involuntary crush that you don't act on. Gossiping about it with your mates feels like a deeper betrayal.

Why is there any need for discussion about a crush in the first place? If a man was talking to his mates about how much he fancied Jenny from accounts department then 3 quarters of MN would be calling him sleezy, saying women should be able to go to work without some creepy bloke perving over them.

It's perfectly natural to develop a crush, but not ok to discuss it.

I think you are so unreasonable.
You didn't want him to know, but you were perfectly happy telling a few friends all about it. I'd be so embarrassed if my husband was telling all his friends he had a massive crush on another woman. There are some things you really should keep to yourself. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, poor man. If it was the other way around, people would be telling you to leave him.

I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and your dh told his friend all about a woman at work he fancied.

Not great op

I’m surprised you’re still such a proponent of talking about this kind of thing with your female friends when one of them told your husband. Who else has any of them told?

Talking to anyone about this is breathing life into it. You should have kept your feelings about this person to yourself and managed it quietly.

I would be absolutely devastated if one of my husbands friends let me know he had a crush on someone at work and they’d all been discussing it.

No wonder your husband is upset. You need to not be defensive, apologise, reassure him how much you love him and that his feelings are valid and ask him what you can do to make things better.

Dont talk to ChatGPT about any of this. It gives terrible advice. Did you need see in the news about that teenager that was encouraged by it to commit suicide.
Also you are giving it all your personal details. Who knows how that will be used in the future by hackers or scammers.

Your poor husband. Don't try to turn into 'men should share more'. Somethings shoud never be shared.