Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

My grandma was an alcoholic and it was hell for everyone, she was a nasty drunk and it was the first thing she did when she got up and would fall asleep on her chair with a drink in her hand and a cigarette hanging from her mouth, she ended up dying because of it a few years ago, I would strongly advise leaving because not only will it destroy his life but yours and your children's too

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope over time things settle and you are ok.

I have a friend who is positive that she wouldn't be here without AA.

She's 35 years sober and still goes to meetings 2 or 3 times a week.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic who couldn't go a day. I think he thought he was fine because he wasn't drinking first thing in the morning, but he was so clearly dependent. He was never a great dad and wasn't very present in my life. He died aged 71 of a heart attack and, to be honest, I don't miss him.

Sorry for what you're going through, OP.

I have no desire to try AA. As I said I am happy with Soberistas.

This is such a sad thread.

my uncle died of his alcoholism in his 60s. He had always been a jovial life and soul kind of guy (with destructive relationships and abandoned children in his wake) and then spiralled in his 50s.

a very close friend, he is currently 3 years sober. But has relapsed before. I can so easily see a terrible trajectory for his life.

He always knew he had a problem with drink, but he externalised the 'whys' - it was never his fault, and there was always an excuse. He drank because something good happened, he drank because something bad happened, he drank because he was doing something productive (as a 'reward'), he drank because he was bored. The truth is he had a very neglectful childhood, he comes from a family of alcoholics and the only real way they bond is through drinking copious amounts of whiskey together. He kind of understands that but doesn't want therapy because he doesn't want to talk or think about it (unless he's really drunk).

I think we're on good terms because of how deeply we know each other and how long we were in love for, and we were actually very good at communicating. His alcoholism was also not severe, although he did have bouts of hiding it so I'll never know the true extent. His main thing was going on random crazy benders where chaotic and destructive things would happen. He was never violent to me or DD thankfully, mostly just very irritating or very occasionally could get paranoid about random stuff and accuse me of doing things I'd never done!

Ultimately the drink came first always, and always will. Even severe, painful gastritis over the last six years hasn't curbed his alcohol addiction, and neither did leaving (his drinking has worsened now he doesn't have to hide it).

From the snippets in your post, it sounds like your partner is a more 'traditional' alcoholic - drinking every day etc.? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? Does he want to change? I say this with a bit of futility as I think it's very, very rare for people to change.

One recovered,one in reasonable health and in their 80's, one in care in their 60's, one homeless in their 40's, and 3 dead in their 40's/50's.
Get out while you can.
Don't put yourself and your children through it.

I found my alcoholic brother dead a few weeks ago, he was 59. Gastric ulcer and heart disease so a very traumatic scene. My father, who hasn’t had anything to do with my brother for 40 years is now going for half his estate, cutting me out completely.

I am although I do find it difficult to use that term. I’m not sure I would still be in my marriage if I hadn’t quit drinking & very possibly not be here at all 😢 I will have been sober 2 years at the end of January. At my worst, I would get though 4 bottles of high strength wine a day plus sometimes spirits as well. I detest drunk drivers yet I was driving over the limit daily. Hated myself but was in denial at the same time. In the end, I had to stop the night before an op because of the anaesthetic & that was it. Cold turkey. I do miss it occasionally eg a nice glass of red with a steak or a lovely crisp white on a sunny afternoon but would never start again. I feel a million times better. Sorry for your situation OP.

SMART recovery is an alternative for anyone who wants support and mutual aid around their drinking, and it's non-religious.

I tried Al-Anon, for quite a while, but as an atheist I just could not get on with it. So much of it is good, but the part about a higher power was impossible to make work for me. I tried the old 'the higher power can just be the group, or nature, or anything that is a higher power for you' but even trying that, it just didn't make sense without a belief in god.

Not knocking it, it works for many, just wanted to highlight other options too :)

They have support for the person struggling with addiction, and for loved ones

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/about-our-organisation/

This is known as creating an alibi, "I went to AA and it didn't work". It doesn't work if you don't do the work. Just going to meetings and saying you have a sponsor isn't doing the work. If AA is not for him, it doesn't suit everyone, he needs to find another way.

You are right that blaming everyone and everything apart from himself is a clear sign that he's doesn't want to stop drinking.

It’s worth trying an AA meeting before writing it off. There are women only meetings if you’d be more comfortable with that.

thanks. Sallyanne. I will download it and read it. I have read a lot of quit lit. Anything that makes it a bit easier. I have never tried AA but Soberistas is good. I just hope this is final day 1!

My partner died aged 53, after 11 years together - alcoholics don't tend to live for very long...

I recommend Tired of Thinking About Drinking. I am almost 10 years sober, AA was not for me but I still needed that accountability and this really helped me. Good luck to you.

I know a lot

1 - died 52. Found collapsed, went to hospital and died if pneumonia and sepsis

1- in and out of rehab. There parents both alcoholic - one died of cirrhosis, 1 went to AA. Daughter also alcoholic...been to rehab

Partners dad - died 70 of cancer, likely alcohol linked. Partners mother..in denial alcoholic.

Partner - successfully sober using the Sinclair Method and naltrexone

My lovely brother died in his late 40’s last January of alcoholism. The sense of loss, and the guilt of not being able to do more to save him, is so overwhelming at times. It ruined his life long before it took it.
A family fiend also died due alcoholism (don’t know the exact details) in their 60’s

By the time the drinking is problematic to others all enjoyment has gone. Take it from someone who spent lockdown with an alcoholic in full spate.

This is actually quite frightening.

I go out at the weekend and get tipsy, never drunk. I also have a couple at home before bed (albeit not every night). Some of my friends get absolutely WASTED when they go out (male and female) but do not drink other than when they go out whereas I am more moderate but more frequent.

I am single and live alone. I do notice that, when I am in a relationship (I had one end recently) I drink far less frequently. I am happy in company but drink sort of substitutes that? I see those two I have before bed as my little 'freedom' or 'comfort' thing I think. I go to bed early, am up early for the gym, work all week, have a business to run, other things going on but I don't see much of anyone.

When I had my partner here with me, drinking unless we were doing an activity involving it, together, just wasn't as important-it is like my 'vice' or one of the only good things about having that freedom.

I don't have a problem with drink, but I can see how if I were to become depressed or ill or more lonely, this can easily happen.

My mother and step father are very heavy drinkers but they stick to nice bottles of wine and they're middle class so apparently it's acceptable. I've inherited my mother's (and my father's) addictive personality. When peri hit me my life fell apart and I ended up drinking at least a bottle of wine a night. I decided I needed to knock it on the head completely and decided to become addicted to exercise instead. Still an addiction but much less harmful. My father is an exercise junky too. He doesn't touch a drop either now as he's acknowledged that he likes the taste of red wine too much and it's a slippery slope.

The alcoholics I knew (dead now) did not become alcoholics overnight, in that sense it didn't happen to them like an illness. They drank excessively and selfishly for many, many years and certainly could have stopped or moderated at an earlier point but they chose not to as they simply loved the feeling of being drunk. They didn't much care that it upset others around them when they prioritised having a good time over being more sensible

That's really closed minded of you.

Do you really think they just love drinking and that's why they drink? Coz they just love it so much?

Or..... is it more likely that these people have trauma of some sort or poor coping skills?

When I first met my best friend she was an alcoholic...... to outsiders it looked like she loved drinking

But little did they know she drank in excess to forget the horrific sexual abuse that happened to her for YEARS throughout her childhood. Little did they know that she would go home after being the life of the party and severely self harm.

You really need to open your eyes and delve a little deeper into why people become alcoholics. Most of them are not because they love drinking ..... most of them are traumatised and can't cope.

We don't know what goes on in people's lives we have no idea what people have been through. It's really not all down to selfish people 🤦‍♀️

I’ve known many through work…mostly end stage liver disease through alcohol. My mother’s neighbour who kept a bottle of vodka on his bedside table because as soon as he wakened, he needed to have a drink before he could get up. Bled to death, alone at home, with oesphageal varices, while his wife was sitting at her dying mother’s bedside in hospital. 56.

I really believe that alcohol sales need to stop or be heavily regulated and curtailed. It needs to be treated like the poison that it is, the risk of complete destruction to entire families is too great.

Fuck that, most of my best recipes would be impossible to make!