Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

Yes. My ex husband is an alcoholic and nobody can work out why he’s still alive….
also my current partner (no I don’t go looking for them) who has had a problem for 8 years since stopping a high profile career and now goes on monthly benders where he drinks a litre or more or neat vodka per day. I’ve tried so hard but getting really sick of it as although he’s a gorgeous human sober, he’s very unpleasant when drunk. I have refused to live together and feel increasingly like I won’t be able to cope unless he stops. He’s gone 7 months sober once. It’s the hardest thing, watching someone you love doing this to themselves. He’s done AA, rehab, counselling- nothing has worked. There are no kids thankfully, and I have been teetotal my whole life!

My alcoholic father killed himself

Of course it is NOT an AA term,it is a medical diagnosis! I am an alcoholic sober over 22years.I doubt you are one if you only “suppose” you were one,believe me there is a big difference between an alcoholic and a heavy drinker,which is what you most likely were.

Few alcoholics find long term recovery,I mean over 10years.I once stopped drinking for 3 years,but drank again.AA was what worked for me and continues to do so.

OP carry on making plans to leave your partner,it is hell on earth to live with an alcoholic.If you asked my family they would tell you how it was for them.Luckily for me I have wonderful relationships with all of them today.But it took several years for them to trust me.

Hiding this thread now as I am not getting into a debate about AA.

I've just twigged the part that he is blaming you.

Now i just say - Leave!
It sounds like he is an unreasonable and possibly abusive person, not just an alcoholic

I’ve known/know plenty. Mostly a health scare stopped them drinking (heart murmur, liver fibrosis, injured after a fall) in their thirties. Those who continued drinking all carried on to(wards) death.
Two died terrible deaths of liver failure, witnessed by their families. It takes weeks to die. One 55, the other 75. Another from DVT (52), another a drug overdose (55).
My former manager was a functioning alcoholic, pissed his job away and looks like he won’t last to 55.

My experience is you cannot help an alcoholic, they need to help themselves. You can lead a horse to water….
Most are supremely selfish, and manipulative, and will bring everyone around them down with them.

This is what "they" do, it's everybody else's fault, they take no responsibility for themselves Then there's the pathetic self pity. Then there's the guilt they feel when they remember flashes of treating everyone like shit and so the cycle perpetuates and so on and so on and before you know it you'll be 50 with a fucked up dc and your mental health in tatters.
LEAVE, THERE IS NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP HIM

Sorry for the recent death of your brother 😔

Yes it does sound like he is not committed to recovery. Particularly the lying - that's absolutely not on.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your situation, maybe separating is best.

That way, if he does stop drinking you can revisit your relationship when he has regained your trust and proved himself. If he doesn't, then you have saved yourself the heartache of staying and waiting for him to change.

I don't know if rehab is available to you, but they can be lifesavers. However if the person is not ready, you may as well make a bonfire with £50 notes.

Most important is to put yourself first, and leave if you have to. I feel for you, it's an incredibly tough situation.

I know an alcoholic and his wife divorced him because of it. He was dead within 2 years.

Ok just remember another relative who stopped drinking. His family realized later the drinking was probably do to his experiences at war, but he did manage to give it up.

Why is he blaming you OP? How is his alcohol addiction your fault? (Until he can take ownership of his problem, he'll never be able to start his recovery.)
We had a very old friend who had a drink problem. He always drank to excess in his 20s, but was amiable. Then the drink got the better of him and he could turn nasty with his wife (more verbal than physical). He was a functioning alcoholic in that he was extremely good at his job and never went sick because of drink, but his marriage broke down (his wife came to hate him) and he was estranged from his children. He died at 61 - his landlady found him dead in his room. His life could have been so different and we all thought what a terrible waste when he could now be happily retired.

You are doing the right thing by ending things OP. Alcoholics are nasty, deceitful people. I know I was an active alcoholic, sober 5 years now. He can't change until he is ready, protect your child.

My exh and father of my children was an alcoholic died at 40 years old due to his drinking. Not before he lost us everything including our home and left me in a lot of debt.
His children all teenagers at the time have been destroyed and it left them with huge mental scars through their lives and unanswered questions.
I stayed way to long because I loved him and believed his lies and empty promises. Dont make the same mistake x

I am so very sorry for your situation. It is a terrible, terrible illness and the only person that can leave this self destructive path is the person on it. Wishing you and your family strength xx

I'd lost touch with my alcoholic best friend when we moved to Northumberland. I'd phone her regularly at first, in the days when long distance calls were expensive. She'd nearly always be drunk, and put the phone down and wander off. My husband got annoyed at how large our phone bill was and I started putting a note in her birthday/christmas card instead. She started drinking aged 21 in 1978 when she got jilted the week before the wedding. Her Mum and Dad didn't cope well with it and it was a very public display of returning all the gifts/bridesmaid dresses etc. She spent two weeks in her bedroom drinking. I don't remember being much help, sadly.

In 2011 I found out on Facebook she'd died in December 2009 aged 52 - her Mum hadn't let anyone know. She left an 8 year old daughter, with her 74 year old Mum, her Dad was a lot older, had dementia and died shortly afterwards. I went down to see her Mum and she showed me a photo of my friend - I could hardly recognise her. Her face was very puffy and bloated, she looked so ill.

I felt guilty and upset for a very long time, but eventually realised if she couldn't stop drinking when her Mum begged her, she wouldn't have for me. Her Mum used to get phone calls from my friend's boss asking her to come and collect her as she was drunk at work :( She didn't drive, so had to get taxis. I still ring her Mum on my friend's birthday, she likes to talk about her.

I was so sorry to lose contact and wouldn't ever do it again because of the cost of the 'phone bill', I should have written regularly. I wonder how my life would have turned out if she'd still been around.

My first husband.

I divorced him, he never hit rock bottom until he died aged 39. His eyes were yellow.

I do not regret divorcing him. I regret that he couldn't save himself. Al-Anon helped me see that even if he got "sober" the best I could ever hope for was years on edge that he'd relapse again.

Good friend went to AA and got sober, 15 years now. Good friends brother, didn’t get sober and died aged 50. It is a recognised fact that an alcoholic on average dies up to 25 years earlier than a non alcoholic.

An unpleasant death, mid 50s and I was a teen.

Yes. He tried several times to quit drinking but unfortunately relapsed. His partner tried so many times to help him but eventually couldn't cope with it anymore and asked him to leave the family home. He suffered from several alcohol related illnesses for a few years and then sadly passed away earlier this year. He was in his mid 50s and left behind a 12 year old child.
I'm sorry to hear what you're experiencing and for what it's worth, I think you're making the right decision.
Another I know was caught drink driving and had his licence revoked, which in turn affected his ability to work. Thankfully, he was able to quit drinking and I believe is still in recovery nearly 30 years later.

I know three, one very bright, privately educated man who had a good job and a lot of skills in carpentry and craftsmanship, and also a very nice, kind person has very sadly has succumbed to his demons and is now jobless and living in a hovel. I began a thread about him a couple of years ago. Surprisingly perhaps, his body must just be very robust, he is still in good health. He gives up for a long time then begins again. I find it very sad as I am still involved with him for various reasons and I do not like to see it.

Another one, ex university lecturer. I was close friends with him-he had always been a drinker but within the realms of normal for much of the time, life and soul of the party, fun to be around, had a good job and lots of friends etc etc just got a bit drunk sometimes. Then I saw him one day after not seeing him for a year or so (I had moved away) sitting half asleep on a park bench and realised things had taken a turn. Dead in his early 60s. A few years before he died he bought a house and put it in a friend's name with the clause that she must take care of him until he dies, which she did. He was soiling himself and in horrendous health toward the end but died suddenly.

Another one, younger, dead in his late forties/early fifties. Awful man, abusive, violent and lazy. Treated his long-term partner despicably. I am not sure this was all to do with alcohol but it most certainly did not help.

I am sorry for what you are going through OP. It's a common problem and a very misunderstood one I feel. I know plenty of people who drink too much but they are absolutely not alcoholics. Alcoholism for me seems to be both a very specific thing and a very nuanced one.

My mum too. From the age of 9 to 17 she drank heavily most days. Years of her forgetting to pick me up from school, years of having to try and make dinner for my younger siblings because she had gotten drunk and past out by 4pm. My childhood wasnt great.

Luckily she recovered. Sorted herself out and is doing well now. Hopefully she never falls off the wagon...

My DH.
He died nearly three years ago of cirrhosis and malnutrition.
He lost two marriages, his children, his home, multiple jobs and most of his friends.

If AlAnon does online meetings I recommend giving it a go, but please don’t bring up children in this situation.

@BottleDown

He won't be ready to stop until he is, which may be never OP. The percentage of alcoholics who stay sober for life after hitting rock bottom and/or attending AA is very, very small. My DH was an alcoholic. He died aged 47 of a brain haemorraghe in front of me. Eventually the only important thing in his life was where his next bottle was coming from. If there had been a housefire, I know he would've let me burn to death whilst he rescued the booze. He started to have his first drink of the day at around 7.30am. He would wet himself and sometimes poo himself where he sat and not even realise it, or care. Anything that resembled the man I married completely vanished. He was effectively a zombie constantly seeking out the next shot of booze. He was either semi comatose or calling me a fucking bitch (and worse). I thought I could "save" him. I cried, begged, tried to please him, tried to reason with him, shouted and screamed. All I did was drive myself to the brink of insanity. You really can't help him OP. Get yourself and your daughter out now.

Aunt, Uncle and Cousin - If ever there was a textbook toxic marriage this was it. Both loathed the other, as soon as Cousin was conceived they led separate lives in the same house. Uncle is dead, Aunt is a poisonous old bitch. Cousin is now in his 50s and is screwed up, arrogant and deeply unpleasant to be around (not surprising really)

Ex boyfriend - dead by 40, he was in hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt. His drinking and gambling and occasional drug use destroyed his relationship with his children. He blamed everyone else for everything that was wrong in his life.

Friend - Very heavy drinker, who had a wake up call during lockdown and hasn't touched a drop since.

My boys dad, dead at 37, leaving 2 boys 5&7.
It was an awful few years before his death.
Leave, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Protect yourself and dc.
🫂

My dad (if you can call him that) is an alcoholic, the best thing my mum did was leave him, she gave him chance after chance but he could never give up the booze, not even for his family.
I'm grown up now, and I refuse to have anything to do with him and I don't want my children around him!

This isn't your responsibility to 'fix' him, the best thing you can do for your child is put them first :)