Boarding school syndrome

OP, why would separating mean either taking the DC away from him or you leaving them all? Why would splitting time not be an option?

I agree with others that focusing on Boarding School Syndrome as the root of all the problems is not helpful. It's almost certainly a huge oversimplification but more importantly it isn't directionally actionable. Focus on his behaviors (what he's doing or not doing) and how they're affecting you and the DC, and what you need from him to stay in the relationship.

Jumping in after reading one of your replies to say I also believe my parents in law are both autistic, as is my husband and our son

My FIL went to boarding school age 8. DH had full time Nannies from 2 weeks old with minimal input from either parent after that. Wouldn’t have meals with his parents, wasn’t allowed downstairs in the evenings/after school, would be sent to stay with distant relatives for half term and the entire summer holidays whilst parents stayed in the family home

DH has zero emotional relationship with his siblings or his parents. FIL in particular has no interest in seeing his own grandchildren and easily goes a year not seeing us despite living one hour away.

I really , REALLY resent how emotionally unavailable my husband is sometimes and how ive had to teach him what is , in my opinion anyway, a normal family.

you have my sympathies OP

Hmm, OP. Look up narcissistic parenting and the theory of black sheep, golden child, and forgotten one. You might find it interesting.

@boardingschoolwife at nearly 60 i’m still dealing with the consequences of boarding school from a very young age, am also married to someone who went to BS…we have had a long and happy marriage but share certain traits of avoidant attachment, however we understand each others faults and challenges as well as the many good points…your husband does not sound as if he has any insight? We have both had challenges with parenting but, again, as we know what the pain is of growing up without a parent involved on a daily basis, we have tried very hard to make a good relationship with our children. If your husband has no insight then he may not have the capacity to notice your needs…how do his parents get on with each other, is he from the sort of family where BS was the norm? People are generally attracted to those who chime with their imprint pattern of attachment so you have to understand what YOU need to change ,whether that’s seeking counselling on your own then asking him to come to marriage counselling….we can’t make our partners change unless they are willing to do so!

Just to add as well, about having BSS. I resent my parents yes. But my husband and my children I love so much and would never ever treat them badly because I know what it feels like to feel 'sent away' and feel unwanted. I am so grateful for them. I probably over protect them.

Sounds like your husband simply isn't very nice which may be his upbringing from his parents themselves or his personality type. I don't think it's BSS. You sound unhappy and I'm sorry for that, maybe you should explore separating and being happier without him? Xx

Narcissism is a personality disorder, I'm not saying that he has that, he couldn't be diagnosed from on online post but if you think it is that many personality disorders stem from being neglected/abused as a child. Personality Disorders are controversial diagnosis and sometimes misdiagnosed but I have worked with people who do have them. They are real, they are also incurable. There is support for the symptoms but it's in the title really, they are personality traits that don't really go away. I
You are not going to heal him with unconditional love. If you've already got DC that he always criticises you've obviously been together a while. If he's not changed by now there is little hope that he ever will.

I have boarding school syndrome. But I know I have it and hold resentment at my parents sending me away and ignoring my daily crying phone calls and not moving me out of that school until I literally starved myself.

If your husband doesn't seem bothered by going to boarding school and thinks it was ok like you said then does he have boarding school syndrome? Or are the traits you described just his personality?

I think you're looking for something to explain his behaviour, and settled on boarding school. The reality is that his behaviour is abusive, towards yiu and your children.

My ex was exactly the same - exactly. And he went to a state day school. But he was raised in such away that it broke his self esteem, hence the narcissistic behaviour.

Please get yourself some counselling. The book "the verbally abusive relationship " is very good.

I left, and my children and I are so much happier and healthier as a result.

I had a boyfriend who was sent to boarding school at age 7… he seemed normal until I went to meet the parents.. he called his father ‘sir’ .. which was weird , conversation between them was like watching someone apply for a job they were never going to get. However when I walked into the kitchen and he was sitting on his mother’s lap twiddling her hair .. it was time to leave.

He wasn’t the only ex boarder I knew growing up. Most were boys. Without exception they were completely fucked up one way or another. They all grew up with immense privilege in terms of wealth .. and extreme poverty in terms of love.

when you subcontract parenting out to a business’ which is what boarding schools are .. then I believe that makes you a neglectful parent. It shouldn’t be permitted in this day and age until a minimum age of 16.

My spouse was sent to boarding school, and was parented much the way you describe. He then lost his father while he was a teen. He has several siblings who also had the same experience.

He doesn't behave anything like the way you describe, and neither do any of his siblings. He is very loving, kind, generous, and adores our kids. He's actually far better at parenting and unconditional love than I am, although I've found counseling very helpful over the years.

I think the solutions for you are either your spouse accepts there is a problem, and goes for counseling, or if he refuses to accept there is a problem then your relationship is over.

I don’t think this is a boarding school thing, OP. I think you’re blaming it on that so you don’t have to face up to the unfortunate fact you appear to have married an arse.

Have you thought about how divorce would look and how you could split things? Sounds like you’d all be a lot happier?

What kind of life is this for you and your children? Does it really matter what the reason is if you're avoiding him to this degree? Don't waste your life waiting for him to change.

My ex partner and father of my children didnt go to boarding school but a private school.
What you are saying about your husband sounds a lot like him. But I would describe my ex as a narcissist. ( lots more to it)
He puts the kids down all the time. Used to put me down too. Was and still is very controlling. Nothing is ever good enough. Nobody does stuff as well as him and oldest child's really great sats results apparently were horrendous, younger child's school report was disappointing etcetc

My DH's parents both went to boarding school. They are now in their 80s. Very kind people but they don't know how to express any kind of emotion really. Talking to them about anything serious is like talking to a politician, always deflecting and not actually answering the question. None of their kids went to boarding school but my DH said life was very difficult with them as parents as they seemed to live in this pretend sort of bubble where everything was "fine" and any sort of emotional problem was met with a head in the sand kind of approach.

DH boarded by choice from age 10. He says he enjoyed it. It has definitely affected him IMO - his default setting is to deflect or withdraw and he definitely protects himself from anything that might embarrass him. I don’t think he knows what a really close, open relationship looks like and it would probably make him deeply uncomfortable. Getting any sort of emotion out of him is a bit like blood from a stone. Classic British family where nobody ever raised voices but also nobody ever said what they feel.

However I don’t recognise some of what you describe. Critical towards spouse and thinking they are the best - nope. That’s on him not boarding school. (Although there are one or two schools where I think they teach the boys they are God Almighty and women are help meets).

Mine boarded from age 6. Although it definitely affected him negatively, he is always willing to talk about it and takes responsibility for how he behaves and how he makes other people feel.

It's not normal to dread your life partner coming home. You don't have to live like that.

One thing about our friends, until they started counselling, he absolutely refused to believe it had affected him. He's sporty and clever and escaped the majority of the bullying, so having an outright terrible experience isn't a necessary component.

Yes, I know a few. They are entertaining, good company, but without exception, their default setting is self protection.