Boarding school syndrome

I strongly believe that whilst boarding school syndrome exists, those who suffer from it are those who would have been susceptible to mental health problems regardless. It just manifests in those who boarded in that way. You only need to look at the numbers of state school educated kids needing help to see that all sorts of kids have problems. Add in ND and its a perfect storm.

Maybe, if he wouldn’t consider counselling for himself, you might be able to talk him into a parenting course together?

That's B.A.A. Syndrome.
Being An Arsehole 👍

Look into narcissistic families. The unstable leader (person with narc traits) always picks a family member to use as a scapegoat, so they don't have to face any negative traits they themselves have. I grew up in a family like this. Your daughter is the golden child by the sounds of it and although it sounds like a good role, it also causes a lot of damage (including damaging her relationship with her brother over time). The more educated you are on this family system and the damage it does, the better.

this. absolutely this.

I was sent to boarding school because I wasnt wanted by my stepfather. They went abroad, had more kids and I never went home again. I spent holidays with various relatives who put up with me is all I can say. My mother would send me photos of the fun times her new family were having, their holidays, birthdays and what have you. Im not sure she actually even thought of how that would affect me.
I am very far removed from your husband's behaviour. I had zero self esteem for years and don't trust people. I live with my cats, work hard and have only a few friends. Relationships are right out.
Quite honestly I think your husband is behaving like an unsocialised person which is common for borders which affects us all in very different ways and doesn't know how to behave in a loving family relationship. Borders tend to be feral and emotionally crippled. I think unless he is prepared to spend a lot of money on therapy the relationship is dead in the water.

This does sound more like a combination of narcissism and being a self centred git to me

Boarding school can be tough, and may have played a part, but you really cannot blame everything you describe on them - they can create some issues but they aren't arsehole factories

I would stop making excuses for him and consider if you want to be with this man

I absolutely adored boarding school. It was small, cosy and friendly, the teachers and house staff and older girls loved and looked out for us and encouraged us in all our interests, and I think it was quite possibly the happiest time of my life.

My parents were very loving and our home life was pleasant, and my dad also went to a similarly cosy and fun boarding school which he loved too.

The difference, however, is that I went at 13 and it was my choice. I cannot imagine people sending their 6, 7, 8 year olds away and how damaging that must be.

This. You're describing exactly how a narcissist treats their children, and he will ruin your children's mental health. Both of them in different ways.

It doesn't really matter why your husband is the way he is, finding out why he's like that doesn't excuse his current behaviour and it won't make it stop. He's choosing to do that, as an adult. Don't pity the child he was, recognise that adults have a choice in how they behave.

You have a choice too, and if you walk away you will show your children you don't accept that behaviour and they shouldn't either.

I saw this with much kindness, because I know just how hard it is, but don't waste any more of your children's childhoods with him.

There's a better life out there for you all. You could have dinner alone together every evening. You could make all the rules and have a household of your own, make your children feel home is somewhere they can feel happy, relaxed and safe. Even if they still need to see him, they'll have you to come home to, a you who isn't trapped and repressed, trying to sooth a tyrant whilst trying to protect your children. That doesn't leave any space for them to know the real you.

You can't be a great parent with someone like that in your life. If he's not there, you can be a great parent and you children at least stand a chance of seeing how you should treat people and that they deserve to be loved as they are.

Incidentally, I have 3 extended family members who went to boarding school, they have their quirks, and one of them is still upset age 67 at being sent away so young (5!), but they're still kind hearted people. I went to BS when I was a teen (loved it). None of us are like your husband.

Your problem is not BS, its that you're married to someone your describing to have all the traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

If you'd hate the idea of your daughter growing up to marry someone like that, then don't accept it for yourself. Show yourself the same love you have for her.

Kids are hard-wired to love their parents. They adore him, yes; evolution has made it so - it's the best way that kids can keep themselves safe and survive childhood.

You don't have to adore him though. You are an adult, and your duty is to do the best for those children, and sometimes that might mean protecting them from a family member who is undermining them.

You don't have to stay as his partner 'for the good of the children'. Showing the children that you are happier away from him, living on your own terms, might be a lot healthier for them in the long-term. As they grow into adults their ability to understand your decisions and how you wanted the best for them will increase.

I'm not saying you have to leave him. But don't make the mistake of thinking that staying with a man who is emotionally negligent, verging on emotionally abusive, is 'better for the children'.

As a minimum, you really need to chat this through with a good therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to find the right therapist straight away, so if you don't love the first one, try a different one. But you need an independent and wise mind to help you figure this out. I wish you the very best x

You might also find the recent documentary "Boarding on Insanity" helpful. It's very male-centric but probably useful nonetheless in understanding the impact of BS.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=vLeAj5TiqU4&pp=ygUUYm9hcmRpbmcgb24gaW5zYW5pdHk%3D

I don't think "the kids adore him" is a good enough reason for keeping them in an abusive relationship. I don't think that his past is a good enough reason for staying with him and keeping children in abusive realtionship. I think the issue is how he is behaving NOW and how that is affecting you and the children NOW.

The problem with boarding school is that you are in an unsafe environment but there is no way of escaping so you learn to detach emotionally and mentally and form a hard shell in order to protect yourself. I remember consciously doing this at 9 or 10. It can be an effective way of coping and one that people who have been to boarding school and have been treated unkindly often resort to. Sometimes that emotional detachment is the constant default, which can be very hurtful and frustrating for their partners. You also don't fundamentally trust anyone because noone in your environment cares about you at all and, certainly in my day, they are mostly unkind. However, despite this, you are being groomed for upper middle class life. So putting on a good show, good manners, wit, confidence etc are highly prized. As is not showing emotion. The kid who cries in the dorm is the kid who finds their pillow in the toilet or worse. So this is what boarding school.syndrome is basically. Charm and confidence on top and a hard shell covering fear and misery underneath. It sounds like your husband is just a dick though.

My Dad went to boarding school and I can’t think of a single critical thing he’s said. Always just told us all we could do was our best

Hello!

Running in and out very fast....dropped out of the delusion of boarding a few years ago and now part of a movement that is starting to speak up about the damage of early boarding....

It's a very peculiar British trait that means people believe that putting children into institutions is "the making of them". Outwardly yes - it's an "old boy network", but means it churns out a load of people who have been taught to believe that sympathy merely sits between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. It's also extremely hard to speak out because it's so ingrained in the national psyche, that anyone questioning it immediately gets minimised and undermined.

First of all, check out

https://boardingschoolconcern.uk/

And also, there's free, FREE, resources at this new charity called Seen & Heard. Including stuff for spouses of ex-BS.

https://seenheard.org.uk/

Good luck!

My DH went to boarding school.
Something that really irks me is his attitude to illness. My theory is that it was the only time he was shown love and care, and he has a fully kitted out medical kit. A small graze will need savlon, proper cleaning, plasters/bandage. A cold will need all the medicines, and to be tucked up in bed with hot tea. It really pisses me off. I am sure it is a symptom of being in boarding school.
He also had some very unsavoury encounters that are really quite shocking.
He is very loving though with the kids, its like he compensates and he says he doesnt want their childhood to be like his and is exceptionally invested in every detail of their lives.

OP very many children grow up in homes that lack love.
You are very ufair in trying to blame boarding schools.

How patronising and disrespectful. I really wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that at all and would be telling him so. I wouldn't let him put me down in front of the children. He'd feel the rough side of my tongue and he'd certainly know about it.

I think it sounds like you need to consider getting yourself and DS away from the damage that this self-centred arse is doing. I'd almost be willing to bet that DS doesn't love it at all.

No, no - you need to get your son away from this man. It’s actually quite normal for children to still love abusive parents, that doesn’t mean they’re not better away from them.

They all grew up with immense privilege in terms of wealth .. and extreme poverty in terms of love.

That sums up a lot of a certain type of avoidant parenting that was pretty prevalent in many middle to upper class homes.

Some of you have mentioned I might be better off separating from him but the kids love him so much (even DS) they wouldn’t even consider leaving him

Extremely common for children to be very trauma bonded to narcissistic parents.

So what happens when you step in and defend your DS?

Poor DS must feel as though he can't relax at all and can't do anything right.

I would hate to be asked "what have you achieved today?" as it piles the pressure on and could give rise to feelings of inadequacy. I think your DH needs to be pulled up on that, sharply. It might be connected to going to boarding school, or it might just be an unpleasant part of his character anyway. I'd be beyond furious with my DH if he did that.

What is wrong with a simple "how was your day? followed by a bit of chitchat?

I wouldn’t be so sure that the kids adore him and want to be with him. They could just as easily be putting on an act to try to placate him and hopefully avoid him being nasty to them. Kids learn to appease abusers very young out of necessity.

If it is NPD then how you’ve described the treatment of your children is very common for NPD parents. The overpraise of one child (often leading to NPD traits in that child) and the devaluing of another (often leading to low self esteem, people pleasing and anxiety). I know you’ve said your children love him, but it sounds like a very damaging situation for them. I had a parent like this and once away from them life was so much more enjoyable and I was able to reflect on how badly they treated others.