Boarding school syndrome

I imagine they were thinking something along the lines of “how do we give our children the best start in life with regards to stability and opportunities” when my dad was away with the Navy for most of the year and the local school when their eldest turned 7 was absolutely shite 😄.

Not all boarding schools are the same (surprise!) in the same way not all state schools are the same. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

Also, whilst she won’t go to boarding school unless she asks to when she’s older, I wouldn’t infantilise my DD6 by calling her tiny and vulnerable!! We try and teach her to listen to her gut, to trust herself, to assess situations, and be guided to make good decisions. When she’s not with us we leave her with adults who we are confident take the same approach.

My parents, and my teachers, and my tutors between them raised 4 competent, emotionally intelligent, resilient adults in my siblings and me, and we stayed in touch with my 1st headmaster until he died about 10 years ago.

Colleague sent his only son to boarding school at 8 ( family tradition) and says it was the ‘making’ of him. Excellent sportsman. Very, very successful career.Top of his profession.

Colleague also rarely gets to see his ‘workaholic’ son, who moved to another continent 30 years ago, and can’t seem to find the time to come home, or have family visitors come to him - despite money being no object. They haven’t seen him 7/8 years in person and get most of their information about his success via Social Media as he jets about the world giving keynotes and going on exotic holidays. He even came to a big conference about an hour from his parents but despite flying half way across the world, just couldn’t find the time to see them in his schedule.

I’m not so sure the 2 things are unrelated…

7! Christ almighty, what on earth did your parents think they were doing sending a tiny vulnerable child to an institution at 7.
There should be laws made to prevent children that young being sent to boarding schools.

That's your husband's personality, you can not blame that on his education. I boarded from 8, as did my husband and many friends none of us have issues forming close relationships full of love with wonderful families.

You've chosen a partner who is unable to express love, they appear in every status.

Maybe the traits were always there and school made worse but my DH went to boarding school at 5 yrs old and couldn’t be more loving and caring. Anything but arrogant and is modest about his achievements so can’t generalise

I have a patient who cannot ever get over being sent away to boarding school. His parental home was only an hour away.

Having recently met the most lovely 84yo man, within ten minutes he was telling me of the horror of his boarding school in the UK. He scarpered to Australia and has had a wonderful life but he had nothing to do with his parents, and I think siblings, as soon as he was gone. He would tell us terrible stories , and he was 84. Maybe they have improved since he started but to me anyone who sends a 7 year old to boarding school is no parent. They's be better off adopted. 84!!! and still devestated. It's tragic.

Sorry, I missed that you do think he's on the spectrum. This does sound more relevant than school.

Hmmm sounds he is like the jerk of a husband I got. However, mine never went to BS. He is simply a narcissist.

If you think that both his parents are autistic then surely this would be your first guess to understand your husband, rather than assuming his adult personality and behaviour are entirely down to boarding school?

Hmm. My parents both went to boarding school as did my DH, my first boyfriend, my cousin and my stepson. None of them have the characteristics you describe. I know physical punishment was still in use in my cousins time (we are in our 60s), snd he did say he learned to French kiss from one of his teachers (and yes, he was a priest). In my father’s day it was common for middle class kids to board, and his mother further distanced herself by leaving him for several years while she taught in Africa. That affected him more than the boarding bit.
But all of the above are or were kind, generous, loving people. My DH was still dear friends with his fellow boarders until his death. He hated it, my dad enjoyed it, my mother tolerated it, my cousin and boyfriend just accepted it. It helped that most were intelligent and athletic and escaped any bullying.
I wouldn’t ever want to have any of my own kids go. My stepson chose to at 13 - a little bit influenced by Harry Potter I expect! He liked it and met his wife there (mixed sixth form). But boarding now is very different from previous generations. I think back then it could make or break you.

There's nothing boarding school about that, at all. Boarding raises people who can get on with anyone, at least superficially. They may not share much of themselves but they do well socially. Dining table conversation is their metier.

This sounds more like a struggling marriage to me.

I hope you can make some headway together OP. Beware of him being too accepting of your new narrative here, and just giving you the answers he thinks you want. Agreement, promising to change etc are the fastest and most agreeable ways to shut down an uncomfortable conversation.

My partner is someone that boarded from 7 years upwards and he isn’t any of these things.

Being hyper critical isn't specifically a boarding school thing- it comes from feelings of being inadequate I think- which can happen in any walk of life.
Not being able to show love for those around you can be associated with boarding school, but is also very common for working class men.
The feeling of making everyone happy just by existing is an ego thing and nothing to do with boarding schools.
Not having love during your teenage years may help fuel these things, but I have met people with these traits who went to boarding and those with the same traits who did not go to boarding school.
I think you may be looking for something to blame which is not your DH- ultimately the behaviour is his, whatever caused it.

I mean, whatever the source of his issues, it’s really, really shitty to raise children this way.

What was the attraction? Did he not display these traits until after children were conceived?

I’d insist on therapy or divorce. His choice.

Wow this is very familiar to me too. Very defensive, won't open up, clearly craves affection from his mother yet also hates her. Wears a mask of being excellent and wants to be admired. Awful partner emotionally

My FIL has it, 100%. The family fall-out continues to this day. he has been badly scarred and has managed to utterly f_ck up his children and long-suffering wife. He has zero insight and refuses counselling. As a result we are NC. It's very very sad.

Ha! That will teach me to RTFT all the way through. Have just seen the OP has started discussions with her DH. Huzzah, and well done!!!

Being given unconditional love by your parents does not correlate with whether they did/didn’t send you to boarding school!!! I went from the age of 7, as did my 3 siblings. We are all 4 loved by our parents, and love our own and each other’s children, fiercely.

My dad is a bit of a controlling, narcissistic twat. He’s not a happy man. I’m sorry that your husband sounds similar to
him. What are you doing about it? My mum has for the most part put up and shut up for 50+ years. She is a monumentally strong, resilient woman but only now is starting to see that she could have improved both of their lives by finding a way to talk to him about his behaviour decades ago.

My husband went to boarding school and he is almost incapable of showing emotion, showing vulnerability, indulging himself with anything, or asking for help. He is incapable to supporting me emotionally. I grew up in chaos (practically and emotionally) so his lack of emotion and independence/self-reliance was very attractive to me initially but now it has caused all sort of issues/damage for me and our marriage. I am almost completely done with it. See my thread recently about cat food.

It took me a while to realise this was not normal and that boarding school affected him. He still struggles to accept it. His parents are completely closed to the topic, even when they learned that his teacher was a predator (now imprisoned) they still think it was all wonderful and won't hear a word against it.

It’s a very common pattern. I learned in counselling that we are wired to seek out relationships that feel familiar, even if they are unhealthy. I left a volatile and emotionally abusive family and ran right into the arms of another abuser. Please don’t blame yourself x

Exactly what I was trying to say. Parents are responsible for safeguarding their kids and making decisions in their best interests. That will never include sharing their supposed haven from the world with an emotional abuser. I speak from experience.

Heartily agree. One of my kids sobs his heart out at the thought of going to exh for his parenting time, but to see him skip up the path when ex is waiting to greet them at the door, you’d think they were going for a tour round a candy factory, because that is the only acceptable behaviour towards exdh.

Boarding School years ago was once considered to be de rigeur by the Upper Classes and a huge status symbol amongst the Social Climbers.

In.the Sixties.Things changed a bit and boarding school.iwas judged by the In Crowd as akin to putting your Children into Care.

I had a cousin who became the Matron at a Northern Boarding School She said some of the boys. wet3v sent to.stay with Guardians during the school holidays as their parents were too busy to see them.

With all respect, it is not up to the children whether or not you leave. I left my covert narcissist exh and am the primary caregiver of 3 kids. I don’t regret it for a second. I also went to boarding school and don’t recognize the character traits you describe in your husband as having anything to do with going to boarding school. The boarding school ‘fallout’ for me is that I am fiercely independent and self sufficient.