Boarding school syndrome

Boarding school is institutional care for rich people

Look at studies about attachment / children in foster care and boarding school syndrome makes so much more sense

I see more and more ads popping up for boarding schools on SM like Insta - lots of behind the scenes, a morning at blah blah House - involving filming what seem to me to be very young children promoting the school and its astonishing to me that people
are still sending their children to this institutions.
I don’t care how polished their shoes are, how cute they look in felt and corduroy jackets, or muddy ruggers kit - their days are being filled with endless activities to help them forget that they’re away from people who actually love them.

The times that he completely overreacts is when I try to challenge the way he does certain things around the house (see my thread about feeding the cat). He has complete meltdowns. He is obsessed with order and not being wasteful.

In terms of relationship interactions/challenges that might require him to be emotionally engaged (I also have a thread about an unplanned pregnancy), he just completely absences himself either physically or emotionally/mentally (so he will be physically present but obsessive cleaning or working in the office). He basically has no deep or meaningful relationship with his parents. Neither he nor I would go to them if we were in difficulties. They are currently having their own issues as they age and he seems to be completely unconcerned. I worry about them more than he does.

Wanted to echo previous poster @Realdealstuff thank you all for insightful thought provoking posts.

My DH and his brother were from a farm family of 5. Animals rather than crops. Both sent to live with elderly unmarried or widowed relatives near by at age 16 or so…”high school” in the USA. In exchange for this their father inherited the land owned by these elder relatives who had no heirs. It had absolutely impacted by DH and his relationship with his siblings and father. This has generated generational wealth due to the land value so of course it’s hard to criticize “the old man’s thinking”. I see so many of the traits discussed here in DH who is a generous kind man ( and not father to my DC) but definetly has some emotional roadblocks and behaviors I haven’t ever been able to get thru or around and he’s very very defensive when I try to talk with him about any behavior I don’t like or agree with.

Also @mrsgumpy - what happens (if ever) your DH does lose emotional control? Mine can't seem to process his own emotions like an adult - so will occasionally over-react to things entirely and then be unable to explain himself.

Hard relate. You are on the money.

I know what is meant by 'unconditional love'. I love my children unconditionally, although I can dislike their behaviours. But I have never loved a partner unconditionally and I don't know anyone who has. Perhaps you are expecting too much of your husband.

Saying boarding doesn't damage a child is like saying beating them does no harm, many many will say "never did me any harm"- so being singled out humiliated and physically hurt by an adult that is responsible for does no harm??? How would you know unless you had 2 identical children beat and not the other?

You did what I did. Tried to marry someone not like your father and married someone just like him. The red flags didn’t show in his behaviour as that was normal to you, even if you didn’t like it. It was still in your range of normal. You need to be aware of this for your daughter. She is his model of manhood. And your son’s.

I did think possibly autistic when I read your thread. My Ex was critical and shaming of the kids but had no insight into this at all. We had a social services preventative worker who tried to work with him. She was excellent, and he had input from the autistic service too. For a very long time. . There were small improvements, which for him were huge, but in terms of impact of his behaviour on us, he was still a hugely negative influence.

I don’t have cheery news. It is very, very hard for autistic men to learn and change and even harder for them to maintain this. Even one woman who used to post about how her husband had changed came back after a couple of years to say he had reverted to type. It’s a cognitive disability. They are hard wired to think and understand in set patterns and if they have poor empathy, that is hard wired too.

i had many conversations with Ex that seemed to go well only for nothing to change or very short term change.

My honest advice would be to leave. Children love even abusive parents. Don’t destroy yourself trying to make things work and seeing him harm them. Give them a secure emotionally safe home with you.

I also heard that he’s now split up with his wife. While I worked with him they were having an ongoing battle over sending their kids to boarding school -eldest boy was about 8 at the time. She was a SAHM and wanted the children to stay local in a their private school - he was adamant that they go to his old school.
Seems like she won. probably for the best.

My ex-boss was incredibly defensive about boarding school, best years of my life, made me the man I am today etc but he was about as emotionally stunted as you could get, found it incredibly difficult to talk to women normally - less than ideal in a workplace. He was also a bully - mainly to men, jumped on any perceived ‘weakness’. Eventually his patronising manner towards women got him in trouble, it was one thing treating more junior women as if their opinions mattered less than men but he did it a few times to many to senior female colleagues and he was managed out of the company.

It doesn’t matter why he is like this.

He is like this and he doesn’t want to change.

So he won’t change.

You will drive yourself mad trying to understand him and change him.

He won’t spend one second trying to understand you or the kids.

Painful as it is, you need to accept this is who he is and always will be. You need need to base your decision on what is best for you and the kids, leaving or staying, on that acceptance.

The eye-opener for me was when we told DH's parents that his teacher (who was also head of boarding house - so living in the house with the children - and rugby coach) had just been imprisoned for sexually abusing students and they said NOTHING. Didn't respond at all, let alone act horrified or ask him if he had also been abused. They won't hear a word against boarding school and DH responds in kind. He could never tell them he was unhappy at boarding school and they have no knowledge of the bullying etc he was exposed to. As a result, he is unable to express vulnerability (because this would have put him in danger as a boarder) or be emotionally open. I just think about our kids who come home from a bad day and can talk about it to family. At boarding school, he had noone and as a result, as an adult if he has had a bad day at work, he just internalises it and it appears in unhealthy ways (eg: excessive drinking; being a workaholic etc).

I dropped out of the delusion quite dramatically one day.

I just bought the rhetoric that BS was a good thing and a privilege. But people around ex-boarders aren't so indoctrinated and can see us better.

Also, my DH (who is a classic case of BSS) would also claim not to have any issues at all having gone to boarding school. He would say that he doesn't have a problem with lack empathy/not being in touch with emotions - it is just that it is better to approach the world with logic and rationality, and not be clouded or ruffled by emotions (which are illogical). He would also say that the disassociative way of talking to your family is totally fine - better than having arguments and letting emotions infect relationships. Also, rationing food and depriving yourselves of luxuries is just a superior way to live to those of us who indulge ourselves and are wasteful. Boarding school was totally fine, had no effect on him at all and he was privileged to go to the top school in the country etc etc ... Now let's go on to the next practical task that needs doing around the household.

I hate to say it but the defensiveness of some of the boarders in this thread is a pretty typical symptom of Boarding School Syndrome 😜

By the time I was 18 I had boarded for half my life.

I don't have any of these traits.

Generalisation is super unhelpful.

Thanks to all who take the time to post thoughtfully x

I am so grateful to hear from others who can see but also accept at least to some extent, behaviour which sounds maddening and frustrating but lately been reading the let them book (Mel robbins) which talks about how I need to control my own happiness and sanity, rather than letting the avoidant behaviour trigger me so badly, and that you can still love someone even though their behaviour upsets you. That you can sort of train yourself to feel the emotion, let the anger and frustration hold, then ebb, then still be sane ! So it is not hopeless. Have been on verge of divorce but am sort of navigating a not-perfect path, but understanding life is not always fair (to me, having chosen a BSS but also the the 7 year old sent to board,,…..). Keep the positivity. But don’t put up with emotional abuse. X.

@boardingschoolwife

So familiar to me also, though not quite as bad (he can comfort me when I’m upset but day to day empathy is sadly lacking).

He’s also not close to his mum at all, although seems desperate for her approval sometimes and finds her frequently challenging/immature behaviour difficult to even admit to. I put this down to the sense of abandonment he must have experienced when he was sent to boarding school so young - it’s damaging a core relationship to a young child, though to make sense of it they cannot blame their parents - as that would be even more upsetting.

All so fucked up. Can’t really believe they still exist!

Yes talking as work colleagues was spot on ! I pointed it out and they honestly had no idea. I explained that’s not an emotionally connected conversation and I think I was genuinely the first person in their life to comment on that. I’ve just read another post saying they cannot hang out without scheduling things. That really hit me as I was gaslighted by a boarder for not constantly scheduling emailing things to them. Yes they cannot just ‘be’ everything regimented. Struggling to know how to ‘be’ relaxed, rigid and controlled watching hours of comedy and not laughing.

I also strongly identify with this. DH talks to his family (and me if I try to press him emotionally) as though they are work colleagues.

One poster has objected to the generalisations against boarders. Of course not every single boarder is like this, but there is a pattern of adaptive behaviours that are more commonly found in boarders than in non-boarders. That is what the research has shown.

This is basically my marriage (also to a boarder).

I know plenty (was a Day pupil at a Boarding school) and while most of the women seem to have "survived" ok the men have not.
I can spot one a mile off

Lollllll! Tell me you’ve never met more than one private school kid (if any) without telling me you’ve never met more than one private school kid 😂.

Sounds like they’re just smart enough not to let their guard down unless it’s around people they choose. And they obviously didn’t choose to around you.