To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

How do you know about all these parties you're not being invited to?

I imagine it's through something like a local FB page. Can't you post there and say that you understand you're not in touch with the network as much as you'd like, as your DC goes to a different school, but how can you get more involved with the community?

OP I know you say you've made a effort to make friends in the community, but has your daughter? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she needs to set these things up herself, but have you taken her to group activities for kids? Spied the kids she seemed to talk to the most and then hosted play dates? And been consistent with that. It only takes one child to say "mum, is X going to the party?" that could get the ball rolling. Because while you may be making friends, when organising a child's party, an adult isn't going to be thinking about you, or your daughter by extension. They're just going to throw invites in the schools direction and not give it much more thought.

I found that most people who claim they don't "fit in" have very strange ideas about others, (most people, not ALL people) and how they interact.

People just get on with it, sometimes they are invited, sometimes they are not, they make small talk and basic chit chat to start, it's not that deep. Friendship develop over time. They never think about "fitting in", so they just do.

I only keep note of which kid invites my own kids to parties and sleepovers etc to make sure I invite them back. My kids are not bothered either, you can't be invited to everything and they don't invite everyone either. Sometimes they can't even invite all the people they would like because numbers have to be limited.

There's no need for drama.

Weird to want to go to a party of a school your children aren’t attending. Very odd. The toddlers likely went as older siblings attend the school.

I don't think this is a private versus state school thing - it's just being at a different schools.

I live down a street where most families send their kids to one private school, and ours go to a different private school (which is actually closer). Their kids socialise with each other because they know each other from school, whereas my kids don't tend to join in.

I really don't think it's a big deal OP - surely it's easier to organise parties with parents and kids you know already from your child's school?!

If you really want to get involved, you will just need to look out for volunteering opportunities and keep doing them to make social inroads.

I honestly don’t think this is the issue though. Do people really not invite children because they feel the parents rejected the school?? Or do they just not invite them because their children have their own friends and don’t want a kid they don’t know at their party? I live in a small village, with one small primary school. There is another village nearby with a very small school. Some children from my village go to the other school because it has very small class sizes that they like (too small for my liking but it’s horses for courses). My DC do not really know the children who go to the other school, unless they go to beavers in which case they know my eldest.
They wouldn’t be invited to a party - not because I’m annoyed they’ve “rejected” the village school, but because my DC do not know them!

I assume that the village school is a big part of the community and you have rejected it as not good enough for your child.

It does seem odd that you didn't know any of the local children when you were a child because you went to a private school but you have chosen exactly the same thing for your child but are still surprised that the consequences are the same.

Assuming these are private parties hosted by individual children from the village? As opposed to community events?

Party invites are generally for friends of the host child. Not for children of their parent’s friends.

Children are friends with those they see regularly, generally those in their class.

If their parents allow a party with e.g. 12 guests, they will pick their 12 best friends who they see every day.

You have made an effort to be friends with village adults but have you encouraged your child to make an effort with village children?

Have you hosted play dates and parties, sleepovers and met up at the park? Is you child in the local scout group, sports team, drama club or swimming lessons?

You made the decision to find another school so you need to do all the running, planning and inviting.

You don’t mention if your child is at all bothered about this?

I think that’s a really odd emotive thing to say. It’s not cruel. I don’t know all the kids who live in my little village but am I expected to invite all these strangers to every party I have?

OP, of course you've rejected it.
You say yourself that you wanted smaller classes, therefore you rejected the local school to sent your child to an independent school.

I have no strong feelings about independent schools either way, but why would you expect your kid to be invited to a party that's being thrown by someone he doesn't go to school with? Aren't all kids parties basically their school friends and the odd cousin? I live in a village and wouldn't for a second imagine DD would be invited to every child in the village's birthday party!

It’s understandable that you feel sad, but it really was inevitable. Kids forget each other quickly. If you want to stay part of the community, that involves more than just chatting to people you see out and about. Your kids need to actually be involved with things. That could be a club or playing out with neighbours or playdates or a regular kick-about in the park. You could set up something yourself.

If you want to have roots in the community, you have to sink them in yourself. Absent a school link, you’ll need to invest lots of time volunteering, joining the council, etc.

I wouldn't invite your child as I'd assume they wouldn't be interested seeing as they aren't interested in being at school with my child.

People I know whose kids are at independent schools spend a LOT of time driving. Because their friends are not local, they are spread all over the much wider catchment area of that school.

There’s no guarantee you’d be included if they went to the local school.

You are really not doing your child any favours in the short or long term by isolating them from their local community and sending them to a school out of the area and which may well have a smaller range economically of society's children.

You are limiting your child's life experiences in a way which may well impact their success in future professional careers eg which may be what you would wish for for them. Think about the role of a GP, teacher, nurse, solicitor, barrister, builder, MP, Councillor, trades etc etc all rolls where the ability to get on with and empathise with people from every part of society is crucial to their success.

Why would you want to hamper your children in this way ?

I’m in a similar situation @Alixeab I echo people saying get involved in other volunteering opportunities like parish council (selectively, don’t wear yourself down), ideally something you can organise a Halloween party at…

at some point you have to realise too that fitting in is largely a myth, I don’t fit in particularly with the other parents at dcs’ p school, didn’t fit in when they were at local state especially…

work out what makes you happy, do more of that.

I think you’re being a bit silly to say it’s cruel - were the parties thrown by the mothers you do know a bit more? I don’t want to be at a bloody Halloween party, so if I throw one, it’s for my children and I’ll invite the people they want me to invite from their school or from Beavers. Not children they don’t really know, with a mother I don’t really know. To be honest I’d assume you’d be confused as to why I was inviting you!
You also didn’t throw a party and invite people.

Are there local groups your children could join eg guides or scouts, a sports club? Then they’d actually know the children in the village, and then their names would be mentioned when parties were being arranged.

But you’ve made a conscious choice to set yourself and your child apart by saying ‘The education setting on offer in this village, which all your children attend, is not good enough for my child.’ Now you’re complaining about the predictable consequences of that decision without being ready to reverse it. You made a decision. It’s no one else’s job to stop you feeling the consequences.

In my experience school mum/village friends are generally friends because they can support each other, eg school pickups, or someone to chat to at the school gate. Their kids are classmates so socialising is easy. If you're not in the mix for all that for whatever reason, you're going to be treated differently. You're not unreasonable, you are being excluded and that feels shit, but it's unavoidable.

I am still not clear what kind of party it was, who organised them and what the set-up was?

You need to chill. Your kids go to a different school, they will friends there. When they join a village sport or club, they will make friends in these set ups.

You want to be part of the village life? Entirely up to you, volunteer and become par of the village life.

One or 2 people might be jealous or take it personally that your kids go elsewhere but most parents really will not care. You are not losing anything out from the bitter one anyway 😂 but you are unreasonable to expect invitations just because you live there.

Just as unreasonable as posters miffed to be "excluded" because they believe they have a right to everything when kids go to the same school.

Organise a party and invite them.

2 classrooms is very small. We live in a remote rural location and our primary school has 4 classrooms. I can see how in such a small community, your children would need to be part of everyday school life, because the other children live in each others' pockets and are used to mixed age group and close family friendship networks. You have opted out at a critically early stage.

Our DC went to a different school from the ones in our village for complicated reasons i don'T need to go into.

So we made sure to get to know the other kids at the playpark at the weekends, and join in village activities for the sake of the DCs even though they weren't necessarily my thing. And it has been fine. Eventually they all went to the various secondary schools around here and formed their own friendship groups. You have to work at it.