To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

IMO parties are for friends and when you’re little those friends are from school, and maybe another best friend if they spend a lot of time together. Your dc won’t be invited to those kinds of parties unless you’re maintaining those connections outside of school.

Also if you want your dc to have these experiences I would be providing them. Did you ask anyone over to go trick or treating or pumpkin picking etc? For example I throw my kids a Halloween party every year so they get yo go treating with friends.

By definition you have rejected it for your child.

So you’ll be inviting every child in the village and your child’s school friends to their birthday parties? What will happen if/when your child gets 2 invites for the same date and time?

It’s more effort to maintain a relationship with people whose kids are at different schools etc. You don’t appear to be doing anything but “being friendly” and expect that to open doors for you.

I was.going to say the same, are there local sports teams/scouts/brownies/hobbies that your DC can join to make local friends?

Have you invited the village kids to your child's parties / birthday outings? Play dates?

Your child is not in their social circle, the kids won't be comfortable with him.

Who organised the village Halloween party? Surely it wasn't invite only and those in the community could just turn up?

My DC goes to an independant school out of the town we live in. She doesn’t have the same level of close by friendships, in terms of kids on the estate that all know each other - they don’t know her! They used to, when it was toddler groups and nursery etc. I do regret it some days, but she’s made local friends recently through a club she’s joined and it’s been so lovely to watch. Of course she has plenty of friends at school, that aren’t friends with the local kids. You are not on their radar (parents or kids) and half the parents probably think you’re a twat or mega rich because of the choice you’ve made. I know half of the mums around here think that I think I’m above them (I don’t) and they can’t be bothered with me/judge me. I know I’m a nice person, but I also understand the implications of my choices. You need to own your choices OP!

Get more involved in the things you can OP – volunteer, other children's clubs (brownies, scouts?), the church, whatever. It's can't really be surprising surely? Parents are busy and won't have time for people who aren't in their immediate, operational circles - eg. school.

I get it. We live in a rural village/town too, and my children go to school elsewhere. I haven't made any friends here really – I work a lot and don't really have time – but I have made the effort to unroll the kids in a lot of activities where they can get involved with local children.

I’m sorry you’re feeling excluded OP. I do think that most children invite school friends to their parties. For my DD’s party we are inviting 6 school friends, 2 old nursery friends and 2 cousins. There are quite a few children who aren’t invited just because numbers are limited, not because we don’t like them or their parents. Maybe lean into forming friends with children from school and join any local clubs to meet others that way.

You haven't said who hosted the three parties.
If you think it's cruel to not invite every kid in a village to a private party, do you host whole-village parties?

How many parties have you hosted for the village kids?

In my village (I don’t have kids) I’m aware of various whole village kids parties, then I’m also aware of some that are linked to groups in the village that I’m a part of, and then there’s presumably loads I know nothing about because they’re arranged at school or between friends.

If you’re not being invited to parties, then it’s not a whole village party as it’s invite only. The whole village ones are advertised here, no invitations are sent.

If you want your kid to be friends with the kids in the village, you need to involve them in village groups (schools, church, scouts etc). They’re not going to invite the random kid from the next road who no one knows.

If there were several parties then presumably not all kids in the village were at each one. I don't think it is normal to invite someone you don't k ow well to a party in your house- different if it's i the pub or village hall. I also think that you can't expect to move to a village and have an instant circle of friends. If you really want this then you have to put in the effort and host... even then, people may not have space and time for new friends. I think this will take time.

I’m not sure I really understand this. I live in a small village. Some of the kids who live in the village I recognise because they go to the local school, and others I don’t, because they don’t. They go to various other schools for various other reasons. But if the children don’t go to the local school then I don’t know them and my children don’t know them and consequently we don’t invite them to parties. We also don’t invite all the children we do recognise, because they aren’t all my children’s friends. I can’t imagine a single scenario in which there would be an expectation for all the children in the village to go to any party, unless it was somehow organised by the community in which case it would be advertised and people would turn up or not, there wouldn’t be a question of ‘invites’. My children are friends with children in the village who used to go to the school and now don’t, and they’ve kept in touch through other activities (scouts and so on). Or I’m friends with the parents. If my children didn’t still see them we probably wouldn’t invite them because my children wouldn’t be friends with them any more - you can’t stay friends forever with everyone you’ve ever known.

OP it sounds like the crux of your issue is that you want your children to have local friends even though they don’t go to the local school. In which case, you’ll need to build friendships in other ways - extracurricular clubs like scouts and guides are great for this.

Do you have parties that you invite the village children to? Or parties that you invite the people you know in the village, a summer barbeque or something like that. Your DD is very likely to make closer friendships with the children at school rather than the children in the village, I assume you invite those friends for play dates, and are friendly with the mums there?

If you put your dc in the local school, that’s not the end to friendship dramas! If only! You can still be too this or too that or trying too hard etc. you’ve got to live an authentic life you want to live. Sending your dc to the local school when it doesn’t align with your values so they might be included is a bit absurd.

To be honest it sounds like your decision to send your child to the village school has made you the outsider and your child by default. If all the kids go to the local village school they will mix together in and out of school as will the parents who chat daily. Invites will be handed out at the school and chats about parties etc had there. Naturally your child is going to miss out on these invites as will you. Your not part of the school community. If you want to be included enroll your child in the school.

Agree with this 👆

I agree @TheZanyZebra about overthinking and trying too hard and fwiw @Alixeab my kids are older and i do have a spread of friends but it does take time, sometimes things don’t work out and you have to let that go.

Halloween is a funny one as it is the closest we get to a community event so it can make you feel bad when you see troops of friends trick or treating and your dc aren’t included.

its possible the p school thing is a small issue for some people - those people are going to be a dead loss for friendships because of their priors.

and I mean it sincerely - do things that make you happy, being a mum is hard enough! Happy people are appealing friends.

I don’t think it is necessarily just village life though. I grew up in a town with multiple primary schools - my parties, and the parties of my friends, were almost all just children from our school. Because that’s who we knew.

I think it’s just “children want children they know to come to their parties, and not children they don’t”. That’s it. Nothing deeper than that.

I think it's says a lot of about the depth of those friendships tbh. Fairly shallow by the sounds of it. Wouldn't you rather be friends with people who weren't offended by choices that don't affect them? I.e. proper, genuinely friendships unlike like a PP that even admitted 'your school choice suggests their choice of school isn't as good as yours' 🙄🙄🙄🥱🥱

It's the obvious answer.

That’s village life I’m afraid. When my parents moved me from the local school to the better comprehensive in a nearby city, that was definitely perceived as thinking we were “above” the local school. Similarly my friend who went to catholic school mixed far less with village kids in primary. Also bear in mind a lot of these mums will have gone to school together themselves and may have years of bonding behind them. It’s not personal exactly, it’s just how small communities work. If you don’t send your kids to the local school then you are “segregating” them to an extent, whether you’re a white family living in a predominantly black part of london who reject the local school, or you’re an upper or middle class professional in a working class village rejecting the local school.

How it ended up was that I had a much smaller group of village friends after primary because of that move, but the benefits of a better school in all kinds of other ways (including a group of friends there.) I no longer live in the village and have no plans to move back, but I understand why they were they way they were, and my mum did find her tribe even if it wasn’t at the school gate.

We live in a village with a primary school and within very short distance of a lot of private schools. I am very involved in village life. The kids who go to private schools are unknown to the rest of the village, even if they take part in the many sports run here because activities for children tend to be centred around the school. Once kids move to secondary school they forgot friendships made in the village unless they are at the same secondary school, same with the parents. You have isolated your child and yourself I’m afraid.

They will know each other through their dc. It's inevitable.
My dc went to an independent school in a nearby town. They made friends who went there and I made friends with some of the parents.
You can have friends in the village if you continue to be friendly and interact. There is nothing to stop your dc making friends in the village also but it will be harder and may not happen. Mine did make a friend in the village through football so it can happen and I am still friends with the mum.

For YOU to be part of the village (no kids) you'd join this and that and pop down the pub when they have a quiz ect.

For your kids to be part of the village - well - they have to know the other kids. That means going to school with them.

No amount of random parties will equal the bond of having been through primary school together.