Every morning I wake up with dread.

I can relate to your post, albeit for different reasons. I would regularly wake up actually crying.
These things helped.
Looking after myself physically. So eating good healthy foods, doing the required amount of exercising and prioritising rest where I could. High stress takes a physical toll and we need to do physical things to repair and recover.
Vit D supplements.
A big glass of water first thing. Morning dread is made worse by overnight dehydration.
Obviously these things won't remove your problems, so I'd also suggest you contact citizens advice or step change for debt advice.
Job wise, I'd schedule a meeting with your line manager to discuss your job overall. They have a responsibility to support and train you to improve your performance if required. Constant criticism without any plans on place to address the issue is poor management, so they are failing you here.

Don’t want to derail but wondering if HRT might help my middle of the night panic attacks. I am through menopause (am 54) so assumed no point in HRT but am taking heavy duty beta blockers for anxiety and would rather not.

Your son needs to find out for himself what a massive POS his father is.

You need to let go.

me too. And I didn't realise because I had no other symptoms of menopause. But I think it exacerbated all the anxiety and flatness that I was feeling (justifiably) from my life.

I don't have a lot of advice because I haven't been in your position. However, in relation to your youngest child I do.

When my parents divorced I stayed with my mum. I missed my dad like crazy and was always desperate to go to see him. Eventually, I went to live with him.

It was awful. Beyond awful. I'd had a good relationship with him until I lived with him so it was completely unexpected. I think I was there about 6 months and then I went back to my mum. She was living somewhere unsuitable for two people but TBH it was still preferable. I never missed my dad again after that.

I think you probably need to let your son try it. He'll soon realise his mistake. And it might improve his attitude towards you. Of course, it might not. He's a teenager. They can be arses at the best of times.

Have a look at your local council for bootcamps. It can take up to 5 years to be fully qualified in cyber security but it depends how far you want to go with it.

From a safeguarding perspective you are absolutely right not to let your 13yo live with his father. A father who you know has been abusive to him in the past - screaming in his face etc, and being abusive to his mother. In the absence of a partner to take things out on, your DS would almost certainly become the recipient of heightened abuse. Those saying tell him it's his choice and he'd have to live with the consequences are ridiculous! He's a CHILD!!! A child whose childhood has been spent in a home full of abuse.
OP you are doing fantastically well to claw your family out of that misery.
Edit spelling

Have you considered the possibility that you could have ptsd?

hi @SugarPlumpFairyCakes - I just came on here to say the exact same thing as @herbetta.
When I was a bit younger I had quite a big job and I was a completely loan parent.

I used to look at these powerful women in the news and could not get my head around how they were coping. I was so fearful and worried about everything. I was in a constant state of dread.. There wasn’t a lot of info on menopause and I certainly hadn’t heard of peri. After about 5 tricky years, I eventually went on HRT. Once I found the right one for me I started to feel so much better. I slept better and was a little calmer inside.
This just gave me a bit of headspace to practise a bit more self care (I used to do a bit of meditating in the morning to calm, focus and get gratitude).

I just found gradually I had the energy and focus to start solving problems.

You are coping with so so much. It’s understandable but it can and will be overcome.

(re the criticism of your design work or content. Please try to understand that this is never personal. Try and see it as someone trying to improve a visual/ company message and when it’s right, it will bring success to the company or team… and maybe more fees/ revenue. Professional design type criticism should always be acted on, taken as a learning for your future and never taken personally- it’s really not aimed at you).

A friend is in that area and I would say if you’re already under pressure and stressed this will make you more vulnerable.
The job nearly killed him, was in hospital this year for four months.

Nursing would be less stressful!

You sound utterly worn down OP. Can you go to the GP and explain how low you are, get some bloods just to check your basics (when I'm depressed I don't eat well and that can have knock on effects) and see if there is anything they can do? I think that getting your health and mind back on track are the things that will bring the biggest change for you, give you more energy and hope.

I think you sound absolutely amazing - brave and persevering, with your kids' best interests at the centre of everything you do. I'd be proud to have you as a friend and I'm sure lots of women would feel that way (if only they had time in their lives for friends!). You have been given lots of good advice. It sounds very much like you are always doing the right thing - the rewards of that may not come quickly, but they do come over time, so keep on following your instincts which to me sound spot on. Have faith that things will get better and stay strong.

Are you taking HRT? I understand that the root cause of your MH issues is what you have been through, but lack of Oestrogen severely exacerbates and increases symptoms. I became a flat, emotionless, anxiety-fuelled, catastrophising mess during peri & Menopause. Large amounts of HRT has completely reversed this.

OP it is no wonder you feel as you do, it sounds totally overwhelming.
Please stop looking at the big picture and just concentrate on changing one are of your life which causes the most stress.
If you work for a large organisation look at other roles you could do and apply for internally.
Do you have an employee assistance programme, if you do contact them for support.
Speak to your manager about how you are feeling to see if you could let go of certain responsibilities you don't enjoy and take on something else work wise.
I agree with other posters about letting your son go to live with his Dad, as it will go two ways. He will either realise the grass isn't greener and return with a different perspective or he will stay with his Dad and get on with it and be happier, either way it is a win.
Good luck OP I feel for you, I think you need a mix of counselling and anti anxiety medication and I speak from a place of experience (it does help) x

Sorry but what do you mean ‘the professions?’

Medication won't remove the source of your dread, but it will absolutely help you to feel better with the reality you are in now.

Obviously, fix or improve what you can. Practice self care as much as you are able. But do really look into medication too, it's life changing and one thing that's easy to sort.

Others have given far better advice but I just wondered about one small thing. I have no idea what Canva is, but how can you get better at it to improve your confidence? YouTube videos? Practise for an hour at the weekend? Maybe somebody here knows about it. I hate that you are feeling so stressed about this work stuff on top of everything and wonder if there is a way to improve?

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes Ah, ignore my post - I now see from your TWELFTH post that you don't live in the UK! (Bit of a drip-feed OP.)

Woah OP you sound amazing- what an inspiration you are. You deserve to feel better- you have achieved so much in getting away from an appalling situation. You should, rightfully, feel like a hero-because that is what you are. However instead you are left with a feeling of constant dread. I know you say there is no point in medication since the root of the situation is a real problem- but on the other hand- if your leg had been chewed off (for instance)- you wouldn’t be saying ‘well of course it’s going to hurt- it’s been chewed off!’
I think you should do yourself a favour and get something prescribed to take the edge off all this, so you can truly appreciate what a goddess you are and what you have achieved.

How far is your current role from cyber? I think you need to look at current skill sets and pivot from there. Yes. You can learn. But you'll also need some sort of experience- so if your current company has those roles, maybe move sideways, get experience and then move onto another company after experience? (Or stay if you enjoy it ...).

Are all 4 kids at home? Do you have time for a side hustle to add interest?

Re the 22k debt. You have a plan with the school. This will get paid off - even if slowly. It's done. No need to stress about it and get angry cause it's done. And yes ex is an arse for it.

I would focus on learning more about investing and finances. That's a big part of the stress and understanding about this is key.

If you can, I’d be looking at removing them from private school. Your ex isn’t contributing so even though the school has agreed on an ‘affordable’ payment plan, you’re still struggling each month. Think how much more comfortable you’d be without those fees each month.

As for the job, websites like coursera or even just YouTube offer canva tutorials. Obviously look into a new job at the same time but bear in mind the job market is ridiculously competitive right now.

Your DS is being a typical teenager, thinks he knows it all and is rebelling because he’s struggling with the situation. He clearly needs support but also needs to understand the gravity of his dad’s actions so he drops the pedestal.

You have a plan in place to clear the debt, you are no longer accruing toxic debt so tick that one off. To the job; £3.3k isn’t half bad for a job where you like the team, and you’ve obviously passed probation so you are quite protected. The dc13 is a stress, I can understand that. I would find a quiet moment and lay everything on the table calmly with him. Explain rationally about his dad, his temper etc. 13 is old enough to hear it all…but stay calm. Ultimately you can’t nail his feet to the floor. To you!! Abd this is the area you’ll need to work at most, and prioritise. You clearly have PTSD/trauma. You’re not used to putting yourself first clearly, but any improvement in your mood or outlook will HAVE to come from within. Start small…a walk, a run, a chat, cold water therapy/sauna, journaling…low cost self esteem boosts. And build up. It’s small, consistent steps everyday. You may have to adopt a stoic approach to dc13.

I don’t live in U.K. so 50/50 with ds13 is not feasible. We are all British though with dual nationality apart from exh.

Sorry I missed this.

So did dad move away or did you move away with the kids?

Him not being near his dad is definitely going to make him want to see him more.
Chances are if they lived close by he wouldn’t want to live with him so much.

For now focus on DS seeing him all school holidays and as many weekends as possible.

Be open with DS about you being worried about him moving countries and school etc (don’t be negative about his dad) and that you’ll do what you can to help him see him as much as possible and that you’ll try and come up with a plan to live closer to ex.

Him living with his dad isn’t the worst thing in the world - it would stop any resent towards you but also give you chance to focus on your career.
You just need to make sure it’s actually what DS wants and he’s not just saying it out of hurt and so starting with all of the holidays etc will help.

Oh, OP. I am sorry for you. I know what it's like to feel as if your whole life's a mess - I also had an abusive marriage - and I'm here to offer you a hand-hold.

Maybe it's common for abusive relationships to make you feel like this. After all, they manage to affect your life from the inside, don't they, from the most intimate parts of your life, and then it spreads outwards to affect the rest of your life. As opposed to, say, a job loss, which is an external thing.

Make a list of things you can do to improve things, and things you have no control over, like your ex.