Every morning I wake up with dread.

Lawyer, Medic, Accountant, Engineer, Teacher.

Guildford321

So you're not in Europe or UK. Big drip feed op and some very knowledgeable people have given you advice which was a waste of their time. Anyway...do you have employment protection where you are? Does 2 years+ in post give you any rights?

If posting on a forum wastes enough time for it to bother someone they honestly need to look at their life. The op doesn’t need someone making them feel bad

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this — you’ve been through so much, it’s no wonder you feel drained and anxious. You’re not weak; you’ve just been carrying a huge load for a long time.
Try to focus on one thing at a time — maybe start with some free debt advice. It can make things feel a bit more manageable.
Your son’s behaviour is painful, but teenagers often push away the parent they feel safest with. It won’t always be like this. You’ve held everything together through an awful lot — that strength will help you rebuild, even if it feels impossible right now.

This does sound like financial/economic abuse which you suffered for years while married and which you are still suffering. No wonder you are having such trouble. You could contact the Financial Support Line run by Money Advice Plus- it is free and you can call on 0808 196 8845. It is open 9-5pm on weekdays. It might take a while to get though but they specialize in financial abuse and the impact of it and really know thier way around the system so might be able to help you with some of the specific loans etc.

It could help to connect with other survivors of domestic abuse or domestic abuse support services too, to give you somewhere to be heard, and it is possible they could help you with some of the practical side too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I wouldn’t go into any detail about the screaming. It won’t end well if you badmouth the other parent. Just tell him about the school and say he’s welcome back if it doesn’t work out (but it won’t be the same school).

I honestly feel for the OP. It’s hard with the other parent being an abusive narcissist because they do brainwash the kids. My mums friend was married to one. Divorced and he didn’t bother with the kids really - she did it all and sacrificed so much. Supported them financially and emotionally. Yet as adults they’ve both gone NC with her but are best buds with her ex husband. He’s swooped in, told them lies about not being allowed to see them as kids (he literally couldn’t be bothered but has told them he went to court etc), given them lots of money for house deposits and they’ve just fallen for it hook line and sinker. These people are so manipulative. Thats why I think let him go to his dad’s. That way the son can never say his mum stopped him from living with him.

What are bankruptcy laws like where you live? And tell your son if he's so unhappy living with you that he's abusing you then it would be best all round if he trialled living with his Dad for a bit.

You're not wrong but why should the op put up with another angry, abusive male in the house who can physically intimidate her.

Ask your son the hard questions.

ask him if he remembers how he screamed at HIM? Ask him what is he going to do when that happens again? Ask him if he has forgotten that his father has that side. Give him a lot to think about. Make him fully aware what choices he is making. He will continue to be awful to you in any case, but at least you know he will live with his choices.

My mistake then, sorry. It was because you said we can move back to mainland Europe that my brain went straight to you being out of Europe.

Calling a literal child who sounds like he's been through witnessing his dad physically and emotionally abusing his mum as well as being abused himself an "abusive male" is absolute crazy talk.

He may be acting out but he's doing it because of what he's gone through - he's a child, and just as much of a victim as his mother and siblings.

This is really interesting. I am post menopause and even though I am reacting to valid worries, I wonder if part of the intensity of my feelings is because of menopause. I do not take HRT

Can you tell us what tasks you have to do in Canva and we can provide some easy how to notes for you that tell you what to do step by step? That’s would take the pressure off at work and there is surely someone on here who knows canva.

I’ve had a thought about your 13yr old. A work colleague lives 200 miles from her ex. Her son too preferred to be with his father which she was extremely reluctant about. She took her son to a solicitors who specialised with the interest of the child and not the parents. After all when this happened the child isn’t bouncing the parents off each other and the parent is then obliged by the court to agree to the terms of care.
(This could then show that the father doesn’t actually want his son living with him).

In this case her son did live with his father and after a year went back to court to confirm his decision.
Ironically he now lives with his stepbrother working for his stepfather nearby in the family business.

As much as you may not like the idea to stop a lifetime of feuding with your son, you may have to go back to the courts

So you're not in Europe or UK. Big drip feed op and some very knowledgeable people have given you advice which was a waste of their time. Anyway...do you have employment protection where you are? Does 2 years+ in post give you any rights?

You can start hrt at any age and benefit from it.

Op would you consider letting him stay with his dad school hols ?

Your 13 yo will maybe realise very very quickly that it's better with you. That way he doesn't lose his school place either

I absolutely here you, I have been feeling like you for so long, it is crippling
the worries about money mean I fear every knock at the door or phone call, some days I am physically sick with the fear
i am so ashamed of the mess that I’m in that I have cut myself off from a lot of old friends

I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years, I was so used to living in constant fight or flight, I don’t actually know how to function normally anymore

i too am 54, and have a light at the end of the tunnel in taking 25% of my pensions tax free at 55. Do you know if you have any pensions? Sometimes you may have them from long ago jobs and you don’t even realise

even though I know I have a solution I cannot shake the constant fear and crippling anxiety, maybe it will feel better when it actually happens

I would absolutely make him go. He's going to be a big strong teenage lad with a bad temper, domestic abuse in his upbringing and no respect for you. He will try to physically intimidate you and worse. You shouldn't be a prisoner I your own home. You've done really well to escape one man. Don't allow another in to your home. I'd pack his bag for him and drive him there.
On a separate note, how much do you need to earn? That'll help with figuring out your job opportunities.

Sending you a hug @abracadabra1980, can totally relate xx

I have felt exactly like you; slightly different single parent/ex scenario, but mentally and emotionally trapped, crying all the time; no hope; narcissistic bullying exH, best friend forever died with cancer. I stopped being interested in my dogs, who were a HUGE indicator my life was spiralling. I could not walk into my GP's surgery and admit this, but I did manage one day to pick up the phone and tell the receptionist. From there, I was put on Sertraline. Absolute game changer - it gave me (and most importantly my children) my life back. I'm not sure I would be here without that drug - and like you - I didn't want to take medication. It's a rough ride for any SSRI/SRNI for a couple of weeks, but when you get the dose right, they can be a life saver. Please try.