Every morning I wake up with dread.

He’ll just be trying to survive his childhood. And that might mean he needs to appease dad and not trust mum to keep him safe. My concern at the moment is what kind of man you’re raising. Is it one who respects the women in his life?

I was unnecessarily blunt, I agree. Apologies to the op. I'm not in the habit of kicking someone when they're down. You're definitely not wasting anyone's time op. Not at all. It's just helpful to provide key info so that you can get the best possible advice.

Your priority is to be the best mum to your DS but maybe in this case it means letting him make his own decision (and possibly his own mistake?). He’s almost of an age when the courts would let him decide anyway.

Maybe he needs to see that to stop idolising him and start respecting you and that could be making of this child.

What do you think he will do to your son? Will he just shout or will he be violent? Did he lose his temper with all the children when you all lived together?

Your son's treatment of you is horrible and I do feel that he needs a wake up call. As long as your ex-husband isn't physically violent to him, he will hopefully realise that you are a much better parent than his dad and will ask to come back and live with you with a, hopefully, much better attitude.

AngelicKaty

tat poster told the op she was wasting people’s time. I just don’t think people need to be so direct

If your 13yo wants to live with his dad, let him. Your relationship could be wrecked even more otherwise.
Can you talk to someone about your feelings of dread, get some medical help and debt advice?
You're away from your ex now so he can't do anything else to you unless you let him. Onwards and upwards OP, you've done well to get away from him and you'll find a better job eventually. You sound tough and determined, you can do it, so don't give up.
In the meantime are your other kids of an age where they can contribute a bit of money to the house? Can you take on some additional casual work at all? It could lead to something else, you never know.

Like I said, poor advice - and unfortunately repeating it doesn't make it any better.

As I previously wrote:
It isn't about "making them (OP) feel bad" - it's about providing constructive feedback on how the OP has laid out their issue to ensure they get helpful responses to their thread. The majority of MN users will assume, rightly or wrongly, that an OP is based in the UK, unless they state otherwise, and give practical advice regarding organisations that OP can turn to for support that only operate in the UK - this advice isn't just a waste of the PP's time in providing it, but also a total waste of OP's time reading it because she can't use it when she lives in mainland Europe and not the UK (which she didn't reveal until her twelfth post). OP has accepted she should have made it clear from the start that she's not resident in the UK.

If your children ask about it and want to talk about it, then yes. Otherwise no, although getting him some therapy might be helpful. It sounds like this boy has taken the dad’s side at the moment. He won’t respond well to you pointing out the truth about how his dad was abusive and he may even start justifying in his head. I have been the child of an abusive parent and it’s an awful position to be in. You have a deep and strong sense of loyalty mixed with the knowledge that they treated you or others badly. As a teen that is especially hard to handle. The absolute last thing I wanted was to have my other parent say how abusive he was (and bearing in mind he was telling me my other parent would bad-mouth him so it confirmed that). Speak to your friends or other adults about what a shit your ex was, not your kids.

AngelicKaty

well using the term ‘wasting their time’ to someone whose having a tough time isn’t going to help is it?!

I assumed OP was not a home owner, because ExH sold the family home and the money vanished.
The advice I gave was to offer a small amount to each creditor so that they likely wouldn't go to court. This is to stave off any legal action for now. Better than doing nothing and not contacting the creditors.
Of course, if it ends up in court, formal rules for different options would apply, and the judge would make the decisions.

Totally agree that the OP should get proper debt advice for the relevant countries.

I'm afraid this is poor advice (as was your immediate prior post) and it's quite clear you're no debt expert.
A debt expert wouldn't give OP any advice at all without exploring her entire financial situation (income, assets, outgoings, debts) to enable them to identify the debt solutions available to her i.e. those she's eligible for (in the UK the five debt solutions all have different eligibility rules). And for all we know, OP may be a homeowner and with a large value asset to her name her creditors would most definitely pursue her for repayment (and if that were through the courts OP would be required to provide a financial statement for the judge to decide - and order - how much she can afford to repay each creditor). In England and Wales a Breathing Space moratorium is available to some debtors - maybe they have a similar debt respite scheme in the EU, but we don't know.
The best advice OP can be given is to contact a free debt advice charity locally, assuming such organisations exist in the European country she lives in, for personalised advice.

It isn't about "making them (OP) feel bad" - it's about providing constructive feedback on how the OP has laid out their issue to ensure they get helpful responses to their thread. The majority of MN users will assume, rightly or wrongly, that an OP is based in the UK, unless they state otherwise, and give practical advice regarding organisations that OP can turn to for support that only operate in the UK - this advice isn't just a waste of the PP's time in providing it, but also a total waste of OP's time reading it because she can't use it when she lives in mainland Europe and not the UK (which she didn't reveal until her twelfth post). OP has accepted she should have made it clear from the start that she's not resident in the UK.

Why don’t you suggest he spends most the summer with his Dad - that should be enough time for reality to set in? I get you don’t want your 13 year old to be subject to your Ex but you can’t prevent it for ever so doing it in a controlled manner where he can come back naturally having realised it’s not great seems more sensible.

Just seen that the divorce settlement is done.
So for the debts - you contact all the people you legally owe money to and make them an offer of X amount per month, X being a low amount. The total of all the X amounts to all the creditors should be about 5-10% of your income: it has to be a very manageable amount that you will never fail to pay.
IMHO - I am not a debt expert and it may depend which country you are in and which country the creditor is in.

Their choice will be to accept the X amount or take you to court (which by the way is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed about). Chances are they won't take you to court as it will cost them legal fees with not much hope of getting any more from you.
It is impossible to get blood out of a stone. If you can't pay, you can't pay. Just offer a small X to show you are engaging and doing your best. Then set up a standing order to each creditor for the agreed X, and job done, put it out of your mind.

No wonder he wants to live with his dad.
He is a Disney dad - doing all of the fun things.

I would tell him that you don’t want for him to change schools and hate the new school and so for now he needs to carry on seeing his dad during the holidays and try and finish in the school he’s in now as he only has a couple more years.

Tell him that it may be difficult for his dad to have him full time but if this is what he wants then perhaps you and his dad can look into it for next September.

The more you tell him that he can’t live with his dad, the more he’s going to want to.

Speak to your employer about struggling and if there’s other tasks you can do instead.

Have a think about what career you might want to do and what doesn’t mean lots of training and low pay at the start.

That sounds really tough, and honestly, no wonder you’re feeling so low — you’ve had so much to deal with. You’re doing your best just to keep things going, even when it feels impossible. Maybe try to take things one small step at a time instead of looking at everything at once. You’ve already got through so much; you’re stronger than you think.

Prioritise the problems, then tackle them in order.
Only worry about one thing at a time.

e.g. you might prioritise sorting DS13 first, so put all the rest out of your mind.

Then when that situation is clearer and a bit more settled (even if only temporarily "settled"), tackle the debt situation. Get advice as to what is legally yours to pay. Is the divorce settled yet? If not, that comes first, before looking at the debts.

Meanwhile, just do the bare minimum at work to avoid getting sacked. No need to try and be a good employee or "do well".
Getting sacked for poor performance can be a long and tiresome process, with several stages of reviews and plans etc. (if the employer does it by the book), so just don't sweat it - do the basics and let the employer deal with the situation.
Either you will go through the long process, or way before it gets to that stage you will have found another job. Either way, there is no need to worry about it now. It is bottom of the list of things to worry about.