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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want to live with a person with poor mh

104 replies

SnooperLoopy · 02/11/2025 22:01

I grew up with a clinically depressed mother who also has some sort of personality disorder arising from a neglected childhood. We always had to tiptoe around her moods and pander to her. She dictated everything - what TV shows we watched, where we went on holiday, the topic of conversation, who came to the house etc. In many ways she loved us as best she could but she really was difficult to live with and I left home as soon as i could and spent my twenties seeing as little of her as possible. I do now see her every week, but I try to manage her in small doses as that is easier.
Now my older teenage son is showing signs of depression and absolutely dictates the household mood. Sometimes I can't wait for him to grow up and move out. As much as i love him, I don't want to spend any more of my life walking on eggshells over another (irrational and selfish) person's moods. But in the current economic climate I fully expect him to come back and live with us after university. How can I cope with this?

I fully expect to be flamed but I suspect anyone who has experienced what i am talking about will sympathise and some solidarity / encouragement would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 02/11/2025 22:30

Has he actually got a diagnosis? Being kind - is he getting the right help?

Reading into your post… are you ‘tip-toeing around and pandering’ to him rather than addressing the issue, reflecting your experience with your mother?

I agree it’s no way to live.

otherlineeyes · 02/11/2025 22:27

Have you ever had any therapy due process the impact of growing up with your mum? It sounds like his MH is evoking a disproportional response in you due to your history, which is completely understandable.

For your own sake and also so you can be there for him it could be good for you to speak to a therapist.

Also, the Phillipa Perry book “the book you wish your parents had read “ could be helpful.
Teenager hood is a time when almost everyone has some difficulty, getting to know yourself and the world with raging hormones is tough. I don’t know how severe his depression is, but he has the safety to express his feelings and the support of a mother. You never had that.

You always had to look after her feelings and instead of her guiding you through how to regulate and understand your own which is the role of a parent.

How old is your son? Try not to fear the future, this too shall pass. You will both be in a different place by the time he’s finished Uni.

It’s difficult OP, I wish you best of luck

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2025 22:06

Has he got a diagnosis and is he having treatment?
What you describe of your mum is not about depression though. Depression doesn’t mean you are the only person who picks the TV channel or what you can talk about.

ChatBotBelly · 02/11/2025 22:03

It could be hereditary and come from you.

He is young and you are his mum. You can help him seek mental health support.