Parents hoarding money

I don’t understand why people feel entitled to their parents money whilst they’re still alive. My parents are in their mid - late 70’s and have about £4-5 million in assets. They live off their pensions. They haven’t given a penny to any of their children or grandchildren and neither should they. It’s ours when they die and until that point they should jolly well sit on it and count it if that is what makes them happy.

I'm in a similar position except for knowing my parents were also in a similar position 30+ years ago and put in a lot of effort and made big sacrifices for my siblings and me.
If I was stuck in the gutter my parents would help, but I'm not. I'm just feeling the pinch.

Same!

Drive from 1 supermarket to another as milk is 10p cheaper
Won’t put the heating on
Won’t eat out
Main meals are from the Tesco reduced counter
Or they make a main meal for 2 last 3 days
No new clothes
Sit in the dark, as won’t turn lights on
Millions in the bank.

I think the brutal truth is that some parents feel less protective & sympathetic to their children (and their children’s children) than others do, & less invested in their welfare than others do. I also think that although this is to a great extent a matter of personality (people vary in their emotional thermostats) it is to at least some extent affected by the degree of hardship that the parents themselves have experienced in life. People who have endured financial struggles themselves are often more generous than those who have not.

(I think for instance of an aunt of mine- after her death we found that she had out of her tiny income maintained several standing orders to various small charities- an act of great selflessness & generosity.)

So if your father has always been fairly distant (less of a close emotional connection) and has himself not had to struggle in the same way that young people do today, but has benefited from job & pension security & relatively low house prices, he’s probably just not very closely bonded with you or understanding of the challenges you face in life - in this & in other spheres. Which is sad, obviously.

Speaking as someone in their late sixties (admittedly with no children), I think we need to hang on to some cash as we are likely to need care either at home or in a residential home. He’s probably going to need the bulk of it.

Similar situation here. My dad has done nothing practical to support children or grandchildren and has hoarded money obsessively for years. We’ve had numerous conversations about protecting some of his money over the years and he’s done nothing until it’s too late and is likely almost all going to be spent on care. He’s the only person in the wider family to ever have anything more than a minimal amount in assets and it makes me so mad on behalf of the grandchildren that he could have been the one to create some generational wealth (or even spent some over the years to help out, pay for uni etc or just treat them to nice things) and for whatever reason he’s thrown that away. And when they’re facing uncertain futures it feels almost criminal.

The council didnt step in its only because two aunts also contributed that the council then covered the rest to syay in the same place. The council should have covered it all but no they wanted to ship her off somewhere they could afford ignoring the distress that would cause.

I think this is so true. It is easy to forget that many older people lived very impoverished and limited lives as children and young people, in addition they will have seen their own parents and grandparents lives as well, lives that were lived without the safety net of a welfare state. These things can leave deep scars and fears.

Exactly my point, once your grandma's money ran out the council stepped in and paid the fees albeit for a smaller room. So as a council paid resident she was in exactly the same place as when she was private paying

And if he doesn’t OP will inherit what’s left when he’s sure he doesn’t need it any more. But for now he might need it so he’s sensibly saving it.

Maybe you should give all your savings away as you might die tomorrow or win the lottery next week so there’s a chance you won’t need them…

This explains it then. People who have lived their whole lives watching every penny find it extremely difficult to spend. It doesn't bring them pleasure in the way that it might for other people. There is a good chance that you will inherit a reasonable amount as he clearly is not going to spend it and you will be able to help your children then.

You will get it all in the end! He probably struggled financially when he was younger too, stop bitching about him having more than you, it's his money. I really don't understand how children think they have some right to their parents money while they are still alive and have no idea how much money they will need in the future. If they were broke how much would you give to your parents? You should be thankful they don't need you to help them out.

He will have the money to care for himself when he no longer has the ability. This is a good thing.

I don’t know where you got that information from. All I know is that my grandma went into a home (and not a luxury home either) at 92 and rinsed through the £80k she had in savings from house sale, pension (minus £5 a week spends …it costs £35 a month for chiropodist). By 96 the council planned to move a very confused old lady to a council run home 8 miles out of town (daughters in their late 60s/70s wouldn’t have been able to visit). By managing to move to a tiny room and my aunts (both paying out of their meagre pensions £100 a week) the council agreed to pay the remaining £300 a month for 12 months. ‘Fortunately’ she died 8 months later so didn’t have to move again. So yes, if that’s what you want for yourselves and your relatives you keep on blowing all that money on cruises.

Your parents I presume worked just as hard as you and are now reaping the benefits. It may not seem like it now, but you will hopefully be in a similar situation. It’s amazing the difference it makes once you’re mortgage free and the children have flown the nest.

It doesn't seem all that long ago we used to say work hard so you can enjoy your retirement but now we want to dictate how people enjoy their retirement. He obviously enjoys saving and having a cushion and seems proud of it. It's his money. I will never understand this attitude towards other people's money.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, at least as far as DH and I are concerned!

We have a lot of money in savings and investments, probably far more than we're ever likely to need. Yet, I still buy a lot of my clothes 2nd-hand and wait until the sales are on before buying anything new. We buy "yellow label" food from Tesco and cheap instant coffee from Lidl.

As you say, it's a hard habit to break. We've been savers all my lives.

The way the cost of living rises are going, it won’t be long before we will be rationing heating and food.

We downsized to reduce costs, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. The children have had house deposits and the grandchildren have regular cash in their savings accounts, as well as birthday money etc.

We have a small house, with no mortgage, but no holidays and the days out I’d hoped we’d do aren’t on the agenda now.

I do know people who have more money than they know what to do with. We aren’t among them.

My parents are slightly different. They have huge savings and amazing pensions but live very frugally. I keep telling them to spend it and enjoy it while they are still well enough to travel etc. They keep saying it’s mine and my siblings inheritance and they want to leave us with as much as they can. I keep saying it’s will end up on care costs and to just book a cruise but they are insistent they want us to have it when they are gone. Funny thing is my Dsis massively struggles financially and is one broken washing machine away from complete disaster. I work a 40 hour full time job and have a second 20 hour part time job just to be able to afford sons uni fees. I don’t understand why if they want us to have it they don’t just help us out now. Hopefully they will live for at least another 20 years and it’s just strange that they will watch my DSis struggle in the meantime. I’m fine. I choose to work the additional hours so my son doesn’t leave Uni with any debt but my Dsis literally will go without food so her kids can eat . I help her out as much as I can and my parents know this but it would never occur to them to give her any money.

I do see making some financial provision for my future care needs as something I do for my kids, not just me. It's so stressful dealing with a parent's care needs as it is - BTDT. That said I do plan to still help them with things when I retire if I can, but I think being able to find funds for everything from taxis when I can't drive any more to carers in my home is partly for their benefit too, not just mine, because it will keep me more independent for longer.

We afford a similar standard of living but are absolutely living to our means (i.e. no savings), whereas my original post stated my dad saves £2k / month.

Isn't that life with and without children at home if the standard of living is the same otherwise?

"Saving", not "hoarding". You talk as if it is smth shameful to do.

She doesn't want to discuss it, or have it, isn't it tone deaf of him to discuss it?

I don't get this. I would never expect a hand out or feel entitled to someone else's money. People are entitled to save and do whatever they want with it. For some people who maybe grew up in harder times, they may feel safe and protected having substantial savings plus they will probably leave it to their children in their will anyways. Don't get me wrong if you were really struggling to put food on the table and in dire need then of course a parent should want to help out but other than that no one deserves their parents money.