Parents hoarding money

Yes, Mine are like this. Millionaures in assets. I'm on low wage, uc, single parent. We just have no concept of each others reality.

Would you still feel self respect if you were given handouts?

I am probably missing the point I have a totally different awful complex situation going on regarding dm money

but I find it a sad when older people live in poverty yellow sticker foods refusing to put the heating on when they have money they are stashing away

it reminds me of my ndn growing up the worked opposite shifts she worked 3 jobs they had no holidays together did nothing to their house cooked on one hob didn’t retire then passed away with hundreds of thousands in the bank left to their only adult dd

I think most elderly folk who move into care homes are only there for the last few months of their lives, maybe a year or two at the most. There's a very good care home near me that has fees of about £2k per week. So, his £250k would probably see him through a care home stay towards the end of his life. But yes, if he's there for more than a couple of years it'll all be gone.

I find inheritance talk weird. Probably because I never got any as mum was piss poor and dad never bothered with me. Grew up relatively poor on a rough council estate; mortgages, pensions and savings were for the rich people. I'm a lot better off than my mum, but that's due to dh's good job.

My inlaws sound like your dad OP. Retired early, probably sitting on a fortune (FIL says to DH "you'll be alright when we go"). They are incredibly frugal and live a very simple, boring, life. They only buy our two dc's things at Christmas and birthday, and they have a budget of £30 per child (they're teenagers now). They are my children's only grandparents and always have been as my mum passed away before they were born. They live very locally but seldom bother with the kids. If I were in their shoes I'd offer to pay for their music lessons or extra-curriculars, come along to watch them at their sports/concerts at school etc. But they don't. I don't care how much they leave dh when the die; to me time spent with the grandchildren when they were young is priceless, and they barely bothered.

I do know of other people who are giving their grandchildren quite a lot of money regularly to save. I guess they're trying to dodge inheritance tax.

Like PP's have said, your dad will have plenty to pay for home care or a care home, so hopefully that's one less thing for you to worry about. But I'm with you; why doesn't he help you out financially now if he can? Just a little to ease your pressures? It's certainly what I'm hoping to do for mine one day if I'm in a similar position (doubtful).

I would actually ask.
Im in the same situation as the op with a dad who doesn’t know what to do with all of his money, saved from living an extremely frugal life.
DD was recently made redundant and was stressing about her mortgage payments, so I asked him to help her out.
He’s given her three months mortgage money and I think it’s actually made him happy to feel important and needed again.
I would never have done it for myself, but plucked up the courage for my child.

Hang on. So he has an annual income of at least £100,000 a year (at least £73,000 after tax), and costs of £84,000.

i get that an £11,000 gap isn’t great for most but seriously he can’t have hoarded much to have ‘barely enough’ now! Was he wildly extravagant??

Being down to savings of under 50K (nothing left in 5 years) having had that sort of a pension since retirement suggests either massive spending or great generosity, doesn’t it??

Frankly, if it means they can pay for care without being a burden on family or the taxpayer, that’s a good thing. And if some of it gets taken in inheritance tax, that’s not a bad thing either.

If that's the way he wants to live his life let him get on with it.

To be fair that’s only 5 years of care home fees - it’s easily £1k a week. 2.5 years if paying for his wife too! ?

It’s all set up to minimise the IHT don’t worry. There are all sorts of trusts and arrangements. My dad wasn’t a financial director for nothing

The ultra wealthy stay wealthy because they create trusts with lots of rules and keep the wealth hoarded in their family. Can't imagine being so tight fisted with your own children and descendants. Terrible

Hopefully he is seeing a financial advisor to plan for potential care home fees or estate planning. Can't exactly take it with you

That won’t buy him very long in a decent care home.

I think it’s really worth pointing out that it’s a shame they want their money to go to HMRC rather than their own children. Do they understand how tax works? Do they want all their money potentially going to a care home provider rather than their own family?

He sounds very sensible and at least he isn't waving expensive holidays and flash cars in your face. As others have said, he may need that money and he obviously worked hard for it of his pensions are so good. I've worked all my life and will only have about 1300 quid to live on each month once retired. I don't understand why people probably twenty years younger than me are often whining that that their parents have more than they do.

I was going to say this. There is a misconception or naivety on here that all self-funders are living in bells and whistles care homes and all of the state-funded residents are in the awful homes.

I don’t know why some people have jumped onto the assumption he’s saving for potential care home fees. Sone parents are just more interested in money than they are in their own families.

I have been reading the comments with interest .
DH parents have three properties and about 500 thousand in the bank me and DH have worked hard and our three children are all over 18 now . We have managed to put them all through university and given the eldest a deposit for a house .
we have had times when they were younger and we struggled a lot financially but all we ever wanted was for the grandparents to spend some time with them. just for them to pop in for a visit or an invite to their home . ( I lived about 10 minutes away )
they couldn’t have been more disinterested and told us that they were going to enjoy retirement and not waste it on grand children .
forward 27 years they are now in their 80s and called us down to show us how much money and properties they have and said we could get a share if we look after them in their old age as they don’t ever want to go into a home or pay cleaners etc .
we both said no it’s ok we don’t want it . We are coming up to retirement now in a few years . I want to spend time with my children and husband not looking after elderly parents in law .
They constantly ring my kids asking for them to visit but they don’t seem to understand they are all working now and they are strangers really to the children as they have spent no time with them .
i would just ignore the fact he goes on about his money . I’m happy for my in laws to spend the lot on looking after themselves . I only ever wanted some time off them and for them to be interested in the children , but I can’t force them if they don’t want to .
I do agree it’s a bit tone deaf to talk about his money all the time but bite your tongue and ignore him

Exactly right. She paid her pension, all savings and aunts paying £400 a month. Council £300 a month for 12 months. Only because new home had a violent 60 year old alcoholic with dementia so was not safe to accept new ‘inmates’ for a while and it would have cost £600 to move my lovely grandma there. But yes. You got me. You spend all your money and you too will get to live your final months just like she did. The council will ‘just pay for it all’

Yeah its tough, while someone else appears to have it easier than you. You are not unreasonable to change the subject. If he asks you why you can say that you are having a difficult time at the moment, and you can't see a way out of it and when he talks about having to much money you are starting to feel resentful.

The generations that came between the wars and the millenials has an unprecdented level of peace and financial opportunity in which hard work paid off, in a way that is not acheivable now. So you have the same stresses that he had as a young parent, but for you its not looking so secure.

The good news is that he is not going to need you to care/support him when he is no longer able to do that. He can be in a nice resting home to live out his days and that really is a gift to you in the future.

Enjoy paying their IHT when the time comes

Thing is, a small amount wouldn’t touch their care home payments (should they be needed). £100 a month would make a huge difference to us - we’re “just about managing” but prioritise swimming lessons for the kids at that cost. The grandparents between them with £1m+ in assets, could contribute £25 each a month and it would make our lives so much easier, and have no impact on their care needs should they get there. But they don’t, and we put off things like a boiler service to give the kids the optional extras like swimming lessons (which many on MN don’t consider an optional extra, but a life skill!)

I never have, and never will, ask for money from my parents or my in laws. But £100 a month would make a huge difference to our lives, and would make no difference to what the grandparents might need should they require care in the future.

I have the same with my parents. It is their money to with as they please. But it is a little tone deaf of them to be constantly complaining about how much money they have and how difficult it is to find new places to store it. Both of my siblings are very insecurely housed, struggling with childcare costs. My DC are going to find life harder than we did. So to hear my parents' constant moaning about their mountains of excess cash does wear more than a little.

Experience has taught me you can’t dictate or even advise old people (family members), what to do with their money. They may ask advice but they won’t take it. And then they end up in a nursing home and it’s all gone.

What are you on about?

The council weren't finding anywhere for 300 a week so it seems like the family chose to step in before push came to shove.