Parents hoarding money

It isn’t just care homes people need money for in their later years of life. Help at home and decent carers are very expensive if the people involved want to continue to live in their own homes. Unless the younger generation of the family are planning to provide such care, it can be best to accept that the elders are self-sufficient.

I have encouraged my parents to spend every last penny they have on themselves. I can't imagine wanting to dip my hand in. Never have.

I do know my father in law who is86 woukd like to give a fair bit away £150k or so to his 2 sons and 2 grandchildren , but dare not now because of the ‘deprivation of assets thing’ if he needs care at any point and is concerned it could put us in a mess - he’s not at inheritance tax level due to his wife dying 20 years ago but including house more around the £600k level

Your parents could need this money if they end up in a retirement home, which is extortionately expensive.
Also generally money boarders can't spend it, they find it too hard to part with their money. So you'll probably get it eventually.
You have to make your own way on life. And live for yourself, being resentful is holding you back

Hear, hear. I want my parents to spend their money on making their remaining years as comfortable as possible and our kids want the same for us.

Savings are not hoardings though. He will likely need those as his needs increase to cover costs for care, rainy day fund and similar.

it seems people on here don’t want their elderly parents to pay for their own care - instead they want to get their hands on the cash (phrased as paying for music lessons and naice things for grandchildren but it’s a basic grabby attitude however you dress it up) meaning the taxpayer pays for care AND yet these same people don’t want to pay IHT so again less tax in the pot. Honestly just pay your own way in life, and pay for your kids music lessons, and stop obsessing about other people’s bank accounts and how to get your hands on the contents.

YANBU my father is the same and yes - I resent him for it
He has always been tight and selfish

Paying for care when you need it?

It's quite awful isn'i it.
Periodically it raises its ugly head on MN.

You have to consider your father's situation...

I'm 78, almost 79, and my life expectancy is 10 years, maybe. I'm having a little difficulty managing, and I am considering moving to a very nice retirement home. The cost for the "independent living" section is about $70,000 a year. The "assisted living" section is $120,000 a year. I hate to think about the cost of the "dementia" section.

So, I'm looking at perhaps 5 years of "independent" maybe $350,000 total, and 5 years of "assisted", maybe $600,000. So I can anticipate my expenses will be as much as $950,000, plus inflation. The funds will come from my pension, interest on the savings, and drawing down capital.

Perhaps your father has done similar research.

Two differences between my situation and your father. I don't boast about my savings; in fact, I'm a little bit ashamed. And I give cash at Christmas and birthdays to each of the grandchildren (all adults, with career-type jobs).

I guess I should mention that no one in the family is short of money.

Edit: I should add that my will leaves any money left to the children and grandchildren.

I'm sure my poor father never wanted to be in a care home either, but as he's in the very advanced stages of Alzheimers, doubly incontinent, unable to move, speak or do anything at all for himself, there was no alternative.

It sounds like he has denied himself all his life and is very proud of his accumulated wealth. He probably sees you and your DC living less frugally than he does so why would he spend it on your excesses (as he perceives it) when he doesn't spend on himself. I wonder what his plans are, maybe he wants the best elderly care and is saving for this. Either way it might be frustrating but it's also none of your business, you are not entitled to it.

Yep. What's the point? The best time to gift some assets is before there's a diagnosis of something or other on file. Honestly, so many older people leave it too late and come a cropper over this 'expectation of future care' thing.

@Antisocialg1t I don't understand this at all, I mean I don't understand your attitude on this.

He isn't hoarding it just to annoy you, he is saving it. Presumably he worked, possibly longer hours than you. He would also I guess, have bought property in the days of what 16% interest rate. He's raised you so he's done the hard work of working and raising children.

Are there two of them? If that money is for two people then they probably will need it for care and medical, probably every last penny.

I think it's incredibly disappointing to see people who are just outright jealous of their own parents - there's this prevailing mentality at the moment on here (hopefully less so in real life) of being weirdly jealous of retired people who have some savings.

What is that about? There are things things about each generation where they've had some good stuff and bad stuff. I would much rather not be living through a tech era. So I could be envious of my parents for that.

My dad was mean with money but when he died I inherited a tidy sum. It’s his money @Antisocialg1t , just get on with your own life.

What on earth are you suggesting? That they give all their money away and then have to rely on the state to provide care?

It’s really depressing how so many posters on MN seem to assume their parents owe them something right into adulthood and beyond. They raised you but that job is done now and they are not responsible for you and your family and your various financial challenges which no doubt they also went through when they had a young family. Also much horror at the taxman getting some of their wealth
if they don’t hand it over to you now, yet surely IHT is the most equitable redistribution of their wealth and is for the greater good. And as for care costs, you’re damned if you do (save) and damned if you don’t according to this thread. But “saving” for later life and prohibitive care costs is rebranded as “hoarding”. Seriously, grown up, stop resenting people just because they happened to raise you and then manage their money well later on, and take responsibility for your own financial security.

Well I can't understand why anyone would want to be in a care home.

I would rather be dead than waste over £1,000 a week on a care home.

I want my children to have my money not a care home.

When my parents moved house recently they kept on their old house whilst decorating their new one. I was astounded they could afford to do this as they've played poor all their lives.

It drives me mad, they penny pinch, go in cheap holidays, only eat out at Greggs etc. They have the heating on lower than they need, have a cheap car... you get the picture. They looked after ds recently overnight and let him buy his own takeaway for tea (he's 13)

They often say "you'll get it all when we're gone" even though I've explained it'll all get used on care and that they should be living it up on amazing holidays while they can. Sad really.

It’s not grabby. An inheritance would certainly my life easier but I actually don't care about it
on my own behalf. My children will be provided for to an extent but I haven’t been able to accrue what my dad has for many reasons. And he HAS hoarded it in that he refuses to spend money he easily has available on making his own life better. All
he’s talked about for at least 20 years is leaving as much money as possible when he dies, which is something I and my siblings have consistently told him is unnecessary and he should be using his money whilst he’s alive. If you can’t understand the nuances then carry on thinking I’m entitled and grabby but I’m really not.

I do 100% believe that social care should be funded by taxation though and not financed by the individual. It’s no different to healthcare and is largely a matter of luck whether a person lives long enough to require it.

A lot of people would be in the same position if they had paid off their mortgage.

Your dad is in the latter part of his career. He is fortunate to still be working & healthy. It is what we all hope for - some care free affluent years, because job security plummets in your late 50s, and getting old is no fun.

Don't be too envious.

I spend a lot of time visiting a relative in a care home and moat of have them have been there the majority of the three years they’ve been there. Sure there are a few who are there a short while but many are there because of dementia and are otherwise physically quite well. Savings are rinsed quite quickly if they need care, whether In their own home or in a residential facility.

I think sometimes it’s a “power” thing, especially those elderly parents who “gloat” about how much money they have in front of their poorer families. Sometimes they have no intention of spending it on care homes either, actually, as they find the costs of care homes to be excessive in their minds.

They just like hoarding it, much like “Scrooge”. I don’t really see the point of that because huge amounts of money just sitting in a bank doing absolutely nothing is simply an inert substance, completely useless to anyone or anything. But if that’s who they are and what they choose to do …

No he hasn’t “hoarded” money at all he’s saved the money he has earned.

We’ve had numerous conversations about protecting some of his money over the years and he’s done nothing until it’s too late and is likely almost all going to be spent on care

By “protecting” his money what you really mean is hoarding it for yourself so you can spend his money while the tax payer pays for his care.

The rest of your post must be the most selfish, entitled and grabby post I have read on here. How about you provide for yourself and your own children rather than expecting your father to finance your life, he can’t have both “hoarded” his money and “thrown it away” at the same time, what you really mean is you are monumentally pissed off that his money will likely be spent on his own care and the tax payer won’t be funding it. Well done that man 👏👏👏.