Parents hoarding money

That's quite unusual if he had previously worked. Did he have mental health problems or something you never knew about?

Stacks of money in the bank but never see a show/go for a meal or buy toys for the GC? That's just awful, but I think a lot of people have a problem with money in this way. i.e. are incredibly reluctant to spend money on anything, even if they have quite a bit. It's sort of the reverse of someone who has a spending problem, isn't it.

I developed a real distaste for tight people when I had a flatmate like that. She worked in the City, had about 250k in the bank at 25, yet lived in our crappy flat, and refused to have the heating on in the winter except in extremis. One February, our three-month gas central heating bill was 11 pounds. (This was 25 years ago, but still.) She refused to cook a fishcake once that she'd planned to have for dinner, saying that the electricity to cook such a small piece of food was too much! She was so, so mean. I was cold a lot in that place, and it put me off stingy people for life!

It's amazing how much the way we spend money is tied up in our psychology.

Well not to be harsh or offend anyone but with any luck the legalisation of assisted dying will come and be widened over time from only terminal diagnosis to a more Canada like situation (and yes I know there are issues) so worrying about funding years of care won't be such a priority for those that choose that route. If I am in a position to help my kids or grandkids I'd much much rather do that than use it to pay for a few years of incredibly limited life. My parents feel the same. Ex in-laws however are more like the OP's dad.

Ultimately yes, it's the older person's choice of course and it's problematic to think that younger relatives might hope or seek that "solution" on their behalf but my personal preference would be as I described.

His mistake was telling you about his savings - it came across as boasting but he may just have been letting you know how sensible he's being? 'I'm pleased for you Dad but we're struggling financially at the moment so forgive me if I don't jump up and down!' Keep it to banter and let it go.

I'd lay on the guilt saying things like how hard it is to save for the kid's school uniforms so you don't have to go to the second hand school sale. See how he reacts. If he offers to pay you know that he does have a bit of generosity underneath. If not, he is just a miserable old Scrooge and you will have been forewarned of what he will expect from you when he is very old and ill. He will expect you to do everything for free and get nasty when you don't do his bidding.

It’s really not a small percentage. Upwardly mobile adult children who have moved away for better employment opportunities etc is not uncommon.

Retired parents have to consider their own needs in the latter stages of their lives, it can become very costly and I think most financially savvy people will plan for the worst case scenario whilst hoping their end will come quickly before a care/nursing home becomes necessary.

My plan is to stay in my own home as long as possible and pay for things such as a gardener, window cleaner, home deliveries, cleaner and pay for medical needs as and when I require them. Unfortunately the best laid plans often take an unexpected turn.

I can afford to do this as I worked for 42 years in a high paced and stressful environment. I’ve worked hard for my occupational pension and I should be able to enjoy the rewards in the latter part of my life.

I frequently help out my adult children financially, not because they expect it but because it gives me pleasure to do so. If I thought for one minute they would be resentful if I didn’t, I’d be extremely disappointed.

Maybe you should appeal to his instincts and suggest he max out your children's Junior SIPPs, so that they can enjoy retirement one day?

The money is locked away until retirement age and he might see that as a worthy and sensible thing to do with his excess cash.

Wow, gransnet! I help out my adult children as much as I can now that I don't have a mortgage to pay. Life is much tougher for them than it was for me (generational - I had no family financial support). OP's parents certainly had it much easier. Cheap housing and excellent pensions and now they are reaping the benefits. Imagine mumsnet posters queueing up to crow with awful accusations as OP's parents brag about how much money they've got and are stingy to the max with their own children and grandchildren. What an awful way to treat your own family.

Private healthcare where I am is big business, hips and knees especially. If that helps keep people independent then it makes life easier for their loved ones. Ditto cleaners.

I'd certainly encourage them to spend on that for themselves.

You don’t have a right to it and £250K may not be as much as you think. However I think people on MN often go too far with “how dare you expect a penny”. Parents don’t owe their grown children but you have a responsibility not to rub it in their faces if you’ve got hundreds of thousands in the bank. It’s also very hard to watch when they have a child who is struggling and an amount that is really not very significant would be meaningfully used. (The same parents may have no issues with expecting labour from those children as in one of the pp in this thread who could use private medical treatment.)

i think some people cross a line into pathological frugality when they deprive themselves of basics like decent food and adequate heating. Even more so when as some do, it’s almost a form of martyrdom. They take pride in suffering and doing without. The idea of savings takes over and makes it impossible to use it today. That’s why people like this always emphasise “you’ll inherit it”. They can’t use it now. That would defeat the purpose. The money is a form of psychological defence. It can’t be spent. It’s funny that people talk about care fees because when this thinking goes to its extreme, people will insist on staying home with inadequate care until they either die or lack the competence to refuse.

It’s sad as they can’t enjoy their lives and it hurts their relationships with others.

250k is easily spent, especially if he needs care in later life and taxes are a worry.
but IMO YANBU. I think there's a great deal of misunderstanding between generations about the realities and challenges of each other's situations.

No because most people opt for care in their homes of some sort. You dont have to be bed bound to need carers to come in, you may need support to cook safely, to get around safely, clean yourself, the basic cleaning of the house, gardner, you cant do DIY anymore so have to pay someone to do it, take cabs to appointments becuase you cant drive anymore, may need private operations because no one cares if you're old and need a hip replacing or you can wait for ever in agony for things generally speaking anyway, see the gall stone threads.

Being old and incapable cost a lot of money. Hopefully you're saving the best you can for your old age too

Not many people need expensive long term residential care, only about 4%. I wouldn't be saving for that, personally.

My grandmother (in her late 90s) lives alone with minimal care costs and is still hoarding money and worrying about how much things cost. I dont want her money but I want her to relax and spend her last few years in comfort.

But she grew up fairly poor and is very much from a generation that needed to count every penny so its just what comes naturally.

I kind of agree if that money is to last him for 20 years or more of retirement. It's money to get by on carefully not money to burn.

DH and I are stacking away as much as we can. As a PP said, one or other of us might need care. But we don't discuss it with children.

Per week. £2k per week. If you can find a non profit, slightly less. I've just had a respite break and the average cost where I am is £2K per week. If you are self funding, you pay extra to subsidise local authority funded residents.

I do think it’s quite entitled that younger adults think their parents money belongs to them and their children. However DH and I are late 50s and wish we had probably saved more but I keep buying our adult kids things, like a brand new bed this month, and I’m putting money away for her house deposit. I just don’t see the point of the government getting it in tax when our children can have it.

Why would you.assume that?

The irony is that most of the people who view others as 'hoarding money' aka savings and being sensible and frugal, probably spend untold wasted amounts of Shein and Temu crap, throwaway items, fast fashion, new cars on finance, completely unnecessary things but bemoan that they havent got any money

Its fine to have those things but not if you're then resenting the fact tht someone else has savings because they dont do those things or they can afford to do both.

The spending habits of the majority in this country are really wasteful and bizarre but they view people who save as bizarre

Well, anyone who hands over money simply because somebody 'demands' it is going to end up poor! Your friends need to learn to say no,

I read it as that person doesn’t want to spend money paying to live in a care home when they can be state funded.

'struggle through uni, driving lessons'

This is such a middle class comment!

What a problem to have, that you're going to uni and taking driving lessons

No one is obliged to do anything with their money, no one is forced to go to learn to drive before they can afford it, no one is even forced to go to uni really. Do these things to progress yourself, fine, but dont rely on someone else to pay for it.

As you say it is his money, but if he were to need to go into a care home that money wouldn’t last long! The average decent care home costs in excess of £2k a month so it would dwindle away! Maybe that’s why he’s hoarding it!

It's a hard one to navigate. My father stopped work aged 40 when I was 5, I literally have no memories of him ever having a job. We were raised on the tax payer's money & I was relentlessly bullied at school because of it. Then experiencing this bone idle, entitled man looking for places & ways to hide money so his old age benefits didn't get affected was sickening. The amount of money that man had when he died, and not a penny of it earned, was obscene. He'd been a looked after person for 45 years, how the hell could he have amassed £50k while having a perfectly comfortable life? I took great pleasure in blowing my £10k inheritance on my children, I hope he was watching & I hope he turned in his grave.