Parents hoarding money

These are the people who downsized to a more expensive house. Trust me they know what they’re doing and at this point it doesn’t involve sharing. As I said earlier my dad was an FD in a bank. He is very financially savvy. I’m not worried about care homes,

In a way this would bring some comfort, if it wasn't for potential care home fees.

My parents have next to nothing, but my in laws are in a good position. Who knows how much they'll have to spend on care, but hopefully we can manage a basic amount of care between us as we are all local - and they deserve our help.

It bring me a little peace to think that any inheritance they leave we hopefully won't 'need' - they're still quite young and hopefully live a long time - and that we'll be able to help the kids with that inheritance.

The difference here I suppose, is that if we went to either of our parents and asked for financial help, they'd help us to the best of their respective financial abilities. We don't ask.

Boundaries on the GP relationship are a parental right and duty (from Gen X)
Absolutely, but then you can't moan that GP are not willing to share all their money with GC they never got the chance to truly bond with. I say that as a Gen X too.

It's his money and his time. They are your children, not his. He is under no obligation to spend his retirement money on your children, it wasn't his decision to have them, it was yours.

I have to admit I'm having a perspective shift I never foresaw. Now that I'm in my 50s and my DH (who is a little older than me) is starting to talk about retirement, what seemed like a lot of money when there was a reliable income suddenly looks a lot smaller in the scheme of the rest of our lives. Not helped by none of us knowing how long we might live for.

To the poster who suggested her father in a care home with Alzheimer’s should have taken a way out before he needed a care home, I suspect that’s not very easy. You don’t know how bad you will get, when you do reach that point youre not mentally capable of ending it and probably not physically able either. The assisted dying bill, which I doubt will get through, won’t cover this anyway. I wish it would. The idea of living for years physically and mentally frail is horrifying but I feel at least if I can pay for a decent environment and care at least I’ll be as comfortable as possible. If someone would hand out a pill to stash until I really have had enough I’d be very grateful!

I’d be much more concerned that he’s got 250k sitting around not properly invested.

As posters have said it’s only about three years in a care home so consider that.

They could start passing on / getting rid of assets and passing it down the line. Obviously they don’t have to and it’s their choice but it’s unlikely they’re going to ‘need’ that much. If they have invested they are presumably earning interest? They could downsize to make their home easier to heat / clean and more comfortable to live in. Not many people are travelling abroad in their 90s so expenditure would go down.

Of course they may have to pay for care homes but they’re unlikely to get through 5 million. I’m not saying get rid of it all but surely they could spare the odd 10K or so.

Dad is always telling me how much he can gift us tax-wise. My sister gets it (she asks) but I never have…

As my dc would say, that sounds like a you problem.

If you feel entitled to it, then ask

My Mum is frequently trying to give my sister and I money, but I keep telling her to keep it. My husband and I have a good income, my sister earns more like minimum wage but she gets by. My Mum is already in her 80s with a Parkinson's diagnosis and I fear she's underestimating how much it will cost for care. Her house is probably worth 800k, but I think that would vanish very quickly once care is needed. It's a tricky balance for everyone.

It’s his choice. I don’t understand why everyone expects their parents to spend money on them, my parents have never given me a penny and I wouldn’t expect them too. None of my grandparents ended up needing to use money for care/care homes because family have provided the care. Not all people end up needing carers or a care home, many of us won’t even make it to old age.

It’s their money, they can do as they wish with it.

But why would they? They are in good health and much of it is in assets? They could live another 20 years. My mum I could easily see going into her mid 90’s, like her parents. She’s 74 and in perfect health, not on any medication at all. To be honest their friends are much wealthier than they are and they don’t consider themselves to be rich at all. This is clearly absolute madness but still, would be nice to be taken out for more than a cup of tea occasionally.

I was raised in poverty. That's why it's so important to me to help and support my adult children. OP's dad's behaviour and comments are self-absorbed and uncaring.

The depression of wages in real terms and the increase in property prices is something NO previous generation has had to battle, no matter how many older people (I am also one) come on here and post how tough things were for them. It's simply not the same, but a surprising number of older people simply will not face this fact.

This thread is depressing.

Fair enough, but if he didn't want to be in a care home (like a lot of people wouldn't), then there must be a way of stopping it without having to go to Switzerland.

Why should he do something that he would not have wanted to do when he had capacity?

NC for this. @Antisocialg1tI completely agree with you. I think some of these posts are very ironic as well because it is actually the parents being selfish and grabby. Supporting your family and giving them the best life possible is most people’s main motivation for working hard and saving. The idea that there is no responsibility for other family members is so alien to me, and I am sure the Venn Diagram of those who have had very minimal involvement with their grandchildren and said it’s “not their job”, and those who are hoarding money while their family struggles, has a huge overlap.

My father lives in a house worth around £3.5m and has several more in investments. Meanwhile, I am a lone parent to two children with disabilities and am very unwell myself now with a progressive illness. I work full time in a professional role but entirely from home now as my mobility is very limited and struggle immensely to cover the mortgage, bills, specialist childcare and medical costs for my children. I can’t change jobs or seek promotion because I’m so unwell, despite being very ambitious and working extremely long hours before having children and unexpectedly ending up a lone parent in my mid-30s when my children were tiny.

My father refuses to help us, despite having bought my sibling a house outright in his 20s (who is able bodied and has no such difficulties. He is now married, mortgage free, no children and two full-time incomes coming in). Medical advice is that if I carry on as I am, pushing myself beyond the limits of my health, my own illness will progress faster and then I may not be here to see my children into adulthood (they are still at primary school). There’s nobody to care for and raise them but me. This keeps me up at night.

My father retired over 20 years ago and has done nothing: no charity work, no volunteering, never looked after my children even for an hour. Weeks go by without him even asking how we are. He could take so much pressure off me financially and transform our lives with no effect on him whatsoever but he doesn’t. He is now terminally ill but I presume he’ll have left everything to his very unpleasant wife and made no provision for his children or grandchildren.

He certainly isn’t prudent with money. He spends lots on a new car every 3 years and many, many holidays, until he became ill recently. I think he simply does not care about his family and I cannot ever imagine behaving in such a way to my children if I am here when they are adults. The end of his life approaching doesn’t seem to have made him reflect on it all, at all. Clearly he’s happy to die knowing the precarious situation his only grandchildren will be left in. I think some people are just incredibly selfish and have no moral compass.

I have nowhere near the wealth your Dad has squirrelled away but I do the gifting. It's £3k from me to DC every year. I have 3 DC and so they get 2 x £500 each per year. I wish the gifting amount was higher as if happily gift more. I also pay for holidays for DC if they come with us it costs them nothing, meals out together, family activity days to include DC and DGC. I send pocket money and holiday spends money for DGC too. I help ds out with car payments occasionally if he gets a big bill. I know I will be hit with inheritance tax so want to pass on some cash now

You have to do it a bit earlier than 86 really if large amounts like that. But I think the OP was talking about much smaller amounts making a big difference.

It's their money. Not yours or anybody else's. They might have struggled in poverty as children, so they feel cushioned and 'protected' by having a lot saved so that those days will never come back. I agree them going on about it is a bit annoying, but just get on with your own life.

Then our generation have come along and we must seem entitled. We only want to do jobs that are exciting/fulfilling/glamorous, we expect to have fun now and save money later, there's absolutely zero delayed gratification. We borrow endlessly for lifestyle choices like the latest tech gadgets, branded cars, trendy home decor and holidays.

That's a result of people not having to struggle to survive and work their way up to a comfortable lifestyle. Many people have grown up expecting the lifestyle.No hunger to improve things thence why the generation above can be disappointed or not " get" the attitude

It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives.

that is incredibly sad

I have spent so much time with my grandchildren and im so lucky to be able to

It's insensitive of him to boast about it. I have two friends who seems to delight in telling me how much money they've got and how it keeps coming in faster than they can spend it. They know I've struggled and have to be very frugal but even when I point out that I don't want to hear about it and ask them to change the subject, they just carry on. I have to tell myself that it's their sole solace in life and hoarding money has become their main focus.

I am in a similar position. Have decided on one of these new age rentals. In city centre, well being focused with on site maintenance, restaurant and consierge, flexible contract and no deposit.

It's about £24,000 per year as opposed to £100,000. Good if you at that in between stage, i.e, know you'll need care in a few years but still independent.

Who are you talking about?

That is because they haven't had to " break out" and work their way up of course. They've had a comfortable life from the start so never known struggle. Where's the incentive?