Parents hoarding money

It isn't scrimping and saving to buy a new car....as we all well know. But it will probably save you money in the long run and be nicer for you. My point being that they can forget the need to scrimp and save when they want to.

I do recognise the hard work put in to achieve this wealth - they didn't inherit it, they earned it. But they also had benefits and advantages that just don't exist any more!

My FIL has helped us out when we really needed it but it's always been on his terms. When I once explained that we needed money NOW when we had young DC and I could only work part-time, not in the future, he couldn't understand. I don't want a nice retirement, I want my DC to have a nice childhood!

It’s true though!

It's nothing to do with victim mentality. I'm not a victim. I'm a grafter and always have been, but that's not been easy when I graduated in the midst of a recession I didn't cause, rented a house that was bought for £77k for £1500 a month for years, finally bought a house for 5x the last sold price in the midst of a housing crisis I didn't cause, faced year on year pay cuts as inflation outpaced wage growth, paid childcare bills higher than ever seen before, lived through 14 years of a conservative government with little interest in policies which benefitted the young, watched Brexit take so much away from my generation, and am now living in climate change and paying the price of rampant consumerism and a switch away from environmentally friendly practises, all chosen by my parents generation when I was too young to have any say.

The fact that Boomers benefitted from policies their own parents put in place and then took them away is just fact.

Wow that’s awful. Hope you get the inheritance at least 🤣

Yes, but everyone knows that the unspent money will go either to:

• Care homes
• IHT
• Their children

Choosing the first two when it could benefit the third, or making them wait until your death, is illogical and unkind.

I don't need half a million quid (if my parents don't end up in long term care, which I do not want for them and will try to prevent) when I'm 60 and my kids are adults.

Pretty sure my 30 yo daughter isn't going to be delighted that I can finally afford singing lessons and family holiday for her. Or my 40 yo stepdaughter won't jump for joy when I tell her that I can now pay for her to stay in the slightly less grotty student accommodation at Uni.

Guess again, I'm 45 and only just able to buy my first property, a one bed flat.

So when one partner in a marriage dies, the remaining person loses a large chunk of money immediately.
The deceased’s State Pension (about £800) & usually half of any private pension.
This can be a substantial amount.
Not all people want to live in a Care/Nursing Home. I absolutely don't.
My father paid for private carers during the last years of his life. He lived until his 90s.
We estimate this cost him in excess of £100,000.
Your DF is probably aware of the financial implications and is being sensible.
You & your DC will likely inherit the leftovers. It’s a question of being patient!

Also, I have a suspicion that those who are shouting “entitlement“ are doing pretty well financially in life themselves. In other words, they don’t need any help! Perhaps if they were homeless, or disabled, or had a chronic illness, or children that needed care, and maybe were doing it all as a single parent, they might feel differently.

This is such a victim mentality. Something those evil boomers weren't raised to have.

It's really not.

The Boomer generation have just been in the right place at the right time and politically and economically everything fell into place to enable them to be the richest generation of all time. Being such a large generation, they have been able to always vote for the policies which served them best.

The avocado toast argument has been debunked time and time again; the millennial generation has been financially disadvantaged throughout their adult lives, at least in part due to the fact that at every opportunity, the older generation pulled the ladder up behind them.

Sounds like he is being extremely prudent. Its not a huge amount and who know what he might need to fund his retirement . Maybe he does hope to provide a deposit for your children who at the moment are still quite young.

Endlessly saving crap, scrimping and saving, going without for no reason.....unless they want a new car!
Oh the irony....illustrating so well the self centeredness of some posters.

It is BECAUSE of their saving attitude that they managed to accumulate wealth...the sane wealth their youngster feel entitled too...because their attitude is that saving is waste!

Talking about letting children and GC suffering when there's been no mention of anyone suffering, unless it refers to suffering from the green eye monster.

I think it's a facetious chicken and egg situation: parents work hard prioritising saving in investment building a pot. Their children thinking they are stupid for not spending their money as they are themselves. Children resent parents, parents are well aware of resentment, envy and sense of entitlement, making them much less likely to share their wealth!

Yes I think this is underestimated - my FIL had many months abroad with work with my mil ( RIP) and grandparents ( her parents) looking after the 2 boys . He certainly didn’t call his parents every day and very much had expectations - now he’s old and on his own his expectations of us are I think much higher. As I said above I think he woukd like to give away now but won’t at86 because of deprivation of assets -

I'd say that their parents are teaching them how NOT to treat their own children.

If I'm lucky enough for everything I have planned to go smoothly then we will be relatively comfortable when our children are adults, and will do everything we can to ensure they benefit from that whilst we are still alive. Particularly during the difficult years when their own children are young, when money just seems to be sucked into a blackhole and their childhoods are slipping away whilst you work to fund everything.

Money, which will otherwise be handed over to the taxman when you die, could fund for your grandchild's parent to take a day a week off work so that the weekend is free from chores, and they are not too exhausted to do fun things with them.

It could pay off the mortgage so they know their home is secure. It could pay for a weekly babysitters and date nights to help them keep their relationship with their spouse strong. Or for a cleaner or laundry service. We know that money and household chores are two of the main sources of conflict in marriages.

Or for music lessons, maybe even private school, for your grandchildren, or a big family holiday to make memories everyone will hold onto long after you are gone.

There's also something to be said for knowing that when you do need care, your children have the time and resources to provide it for you and even if you do have the means to pay private, you won't be forced into a miserable care home with a rushed weekly visit. If they are working full time and ground down from years of making do and mending, they are hardly going to be ready to bring your shopping, prep a few meals for you, and clean the bathroom.

When I think of the idea of having a lot of money, my first thought is how I could use it to make my daughter and stepdaughter's lives easier, and I would like to think that when I am old and lonely, they will reciprocate.

We already pay for the NHS through our tax/NIC and plenty of us can't get decent health care depending on location. "Totally ringfenced" means nothing when a government's finances are in dire straits.

Putting yet more money in the government's hands to have it unequally distributed amongst those in need of care doesn't sit well with me.

People graduating in 2026 and later under Plan 5 will continue to be subject to Graduate tax for 40 years from graduation date. this means that at 45 they'll be subject to 9% graduate tax (on earnings over £25k) and 2% care tax. Labour are about to raise income tax/NI by some means and it'll be what they now apparently deem "higher earners" on a salary of £45k or more that feel the pain of that too.

We need to look at cutting welfare at the bottom end (youngsters settling down to a life on benefits one way or another) so that we can fund care at the other end of the age spectrum.

Most people here who expect handouts from parents don't seem to have money. It's all very well to say you would do this or that to help if you HAD money. But would you & how much?Who decides if £100 a month or £1,000 a month is reasonable? I'm guessing even if you got something it wouldn't be enough.

Question: what are you doing to better yourselves so you might help your kids at 18, 25 or 35?

I think that once you have a bit of money, especially if you come from nothing, it is very hard to spend. Also, once age hits you realise who quickly it can go because of this or that, so you keep it if you can. They anxiety of possibly having nothing one day does not go away. Also, old habits die hard.

Surely not having money and the odd struggle incentivises to work to change this.

Can you explain why you feel elderly people aren't entitled to save their money, and why you refer to it as hoarding?

It isn't just their money in theory, it actually is their money. It might not be how I spend my money or how you spend yours but it actually is their money.

Some people are citing early poverty as one reason these rich grandparents are hoarding in old age. But that doesn’t completely answer the question. Other people who grow up in relative property would like for their own children/grandchildren to be able to avoid some of this struggle and help a little. That’s my attitude towards my own adult child, especially regarding wishing I could help him with housing as I’ve never been able to afford my own home. There does seem to be a selfish mindset and lack of “family feeling“ in some of that generation. I also suspect. it’s not just financial parsimony, but also some emotional indifference .

I cannot stand jealousy of elderly people having decent finances after working all their lives. You have a sense of entitlement to his money, that's why you're angry. Earn your own money and support your own kids for God sake. Your father needs his funds to support his future, should he need to go into a care home.

'Counting down the days'?
You sound utterly horrible.
The title of this thread is equally telling - hoarding or just saving?
The greed and entitlement of some posters on here is horrendous. I hope that they realise that they are teaching their children how to treat them in years to come.....

I think many hoarding parents know exactly the tax situation. It doesn’t bother them 🤷‍♀️. Hard to understand that lack of care and tunnel vision.

This is a fair point and, in my case at least (obviously I am not the OP) if the financial situations were reversed it would never have occurred to me not to help my parents. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing my parents OR children were struggling for money and under financial stress if I was in a position to help them very easily.

If I hadn’t become ill I’d be earning at least 3 times what I earn now, probably more. I have a decent salary because I worked so hard when I was younger before I had children (professional qualifications and working 90 hour weeks), but now as one person trying to pay a mortgage and specialist childcare and medical costs it doesn’t go far and I am very scared we’ll lose our home even if I manage to carry on working in constant pain with health declining every year. I am so scared for what will happen to my children, who are vulnerable, if I die before they are adults. Obviously I have life insurance in place but that doesn’t provide them with a loving parent to raise them.

I just can’t understand how people who are in the position to help their children financially can live with themselves when they don’t do so, if their children are clearly in need of the help (or even when it would just improve their lives hugely, with no detrimental impact on the parent because they are in a position where they have more money than they could ever conceivably need, even if substantial care costs were to arise).

My personal view is that such people are deeply flawed and callous, and it’s not remotely “grabby” to expect that family would help other family members financially or in any other way they can if they find themselves in a terrible situation and other family members could help with no detrimental impact on themselves at all.

What is the point of family at all if you can’t rely on them in any way to show the slightest care or love for each other? Personally, I think it’s abhorrent to be so selfish.

I agree completely and I'm in a similar situation. Yes, in theory, it's their money, but I could never watch my children and grandchildren struggle whilst I sit on more money than I can spend in my lifetime.

I don't have that much but I'm comfortable. Back in the 70s with a mortgage and kids life was a struggle so although I think I'm generous to kids and GC I find it hard to spend on me. I don't like long drives anymore and my four are scattered due to where they went to uni and settled, jobs or where partners hail from so j travel round on trains a lot but I can't bring myself to buy a first class ticket. Often by the time I've bought a coffee and snack that I'd get free in first class I'm not even saving much. Habits can be hard to break.