Parents hoarding money

And many families feel that others owe them the lifestyle they think they deserve!

well next time he moans, tell him your ISA allowance is fully unused, should he wish to gift you £20k.
or ask him if he wants to put it in a JISA or whatever for the kids.

One persons ‘financially struggling’ is different to someone else’s!

Would he listen to the idea that he can gift £3k each per year to his grandkids to be invested into a nice tax exemption product?

Another mumsnet post of things that never happened!

I don’t think it’s any good arguing about this like rats in a sack - acquiring a home and savings and good ( paid for) pensions was clearly easier in days gone by once you got to a certain age ( for many but not all) some protections though are better now ( I was back at work full time with a 13 week old to keep my much needed job) — and thus was1998 before rules changed around maternity . From the opposite angle though it was much easier to get care homes paid for etc as far more people had next to bugger all, lots more social renters etc - neither of my great grandmothers paid for care homes- so elderly people now even with modest assets do have this in the back of their mind - same with family helping because more family often lived on the doorstep- that option is no longer there for many , the daughter or son isn’t popping round twice a day because they are both working full time or living 300 miles away etc so carers need to be paid for , it’s a different world for many with different conflicts related to money and time- yes there are some elderly people who could help out financially a little more and don’t - but equally there are plenty of adult children and grandchildren who don’t put much effort into elderly parents too. I think life can be tough at both ends of the spectrum and often it’s too late for elderly parents to realise it might make sense to share a bit moreout now if they can because they are often at the point it can be seen as deprivation of assets - we are in our early 60s and if I was able to help out my son more now I would, as it is i help with the odd few hundred maybe every other month for bits and bobs often related to his car etc and he is very greatful for that, as he gets by just about ok, but it’s fairly tight

He knows what to do with his own money….save it!

Yes, to my children.

OP is financially struggling. As a parent to see that and not WANT to help is beyond selfish and upsetting.

@pondscaters These so called 'closer knit cultures' often also come with an expectation for children to marry into a certain circle, pick a very specific profession and think a certain type of way and toe the line always. It looks great from the outside, where 'what is mine is your's' seems to count and everyone is being looked after. But often these families are just enmeshed and you risk being an outcast if you adopt different views or a different lifestyle.

Personally, I think that these families are often emotionally extremely unhealthy and stunted. It's a fairytale to think that in some cultures all assets are shared, whilst everyone can live whatever life the want.

@PinkEyeo
I understand what you mean, but I think that it’s important to remember that these are some of the downsides to individualistic societies, and are an unintended consequence rather than an intention.

I think that the promoted separation of adult children from their birth families( usually through further education and job opportunities) in a way that is rarely seen in most of the rest of the world has positives for society, innovation, forward thinking, etc but it does mean that families are rarely as connected as in societies where this happens less.

In part of my culture it would be nigh on impossible to find situations where there was such a discrepancy between wealth of parents and wealth of adult children.
If your family of origin has available money then it will be made available to provide a decent standard of living to adult children.
It would be an absolute embarrassment to not do this. It would be seen as shameful. However this may come with restrictions which some may decide are not worth the while.

The fact that even though in the UK it is seen as almost a dirty secret to have been given money for a house deposit, the reality is that a large part of adult children are helped. However it is still seen as “worthier” to have not been given a “handout”.
Adult children who live in the family home are asked for a financial contribution for rent, even when there is no objective financial need is another example.
It is the fact that these “ideals” are seen as preferable, mean that it really doesn’t cross the minds of some parents what economic difficulties their adult children may be in. They are a separate entity.
It doesn’t reflect badly on them in any way to see their children and grandchildren go without.

That said, there is a contradiction at play in the UK. Spending is promoted on all levels both by the state and by individuals. The state will pay out in terms of widespread benefits and for elderly people without savings. Yet it is seen as “wrong” to deliberately deprive yourself of assets to benefit from state help, unless you do it in strategic, long term manner.

In closer knit cultures, like where I live now, the social safety net is family based. It is much more likely that elderly parents are looked after in the home, but even if they do go into care homes, once the elderly person’s individual funds are deplenished, the state will expect the relatives of said person to cough up. So before the state will pay for care, adult children and siblings will be legally required to pay.
You don’t get to choose to not care for a relative and pass that responsibility to the state for free. Only those without any relatives, and without funds would the state fund.

Yes I agree with assisted dying. We have both expressed our wishes to each other and our sons.
we do not wish to be in care homes with years of care and many of our friends feel the same.

You give your money away. No? Are you selfish?

Charming!

He’s selfish.

Tell him to call the Samaritans next time he’s looking for a sympathetic ear to humble brag about his wealth.

The grind you describe is real and exhausting.

You have my sympathies. Keep on keeping on 💐 .

I am not looking to dissect your personal circumstances. I was responding to the 'economic facts' you talked about. Anyone can have an accident or become sick and their circumstances will change completely. I think you will understand though that this is not the gist of this thread.

Not sure I agree that older people had it easier in terms of standard of living. My parents didn’t have central heating for a long time (open fires were the default) and even when they did get it, the oil crisis and its impact on the psyche afterwards dictated that it was heavily rationed. As kids we just wore more layers. They didn’t have washing machines, dishwashers, telephone, cable tv, tumble driers, the list is endless, and they raised 4 kids and both worked. The (misogynistic)comments above about women of a certain age that never worked seem to disregard the lack of domestic technology back then. I don’t envy those who were housewives, and many were shut out of the workforce anyway. We definitely work longer hours today, and commute times are long, but our parents also lacked much of the protection that employment laws provide today, including min wage, sick pay, maternity pay, unemployment benefits etc. I have young kids today and it is not easy, but I do not resent my parents enjoying an easy retirement - they worked all their lives just as we are doing now. I was brought up to make my own way in life, and I do not want nor do I feel entitled to handouts from my parents. In fact I would find it embarrassing. So we are mindful of what we spend and we do some things differently, e.g. a tiny wedding for 12 people, always a second (or third, fourth..) hand car, scrimping and saving and not frittering money away but isn’t all that just normal life!?! I don’t want my parents money, it is not mine just because they happen to have raised me.

But mine is a four person household where adults work collectively 75 hours / week + parenting, whereas parents live in a 2 person household and none of the same time pressures
Just on this statement. Surely that's totally normal? I'm a lot richer now in my mid 50s than I was 20 years ago because my outgoings have gone down significantly.

That's the whole point of working FT, looking for promotions and paying the mortgage of.

And yes, there is a sense of pride when you get there, but of security before anything else. Because the opportunities to increase your income at a later ages are gone. No-one will employ you at that level and even if one would give you a chance, you're more tired, slower, less resilient each additional year.

You know that what you've got is...what you've got and oh yes do you feel very protective of it and mindful of the what ifs scenarios!

Homes were exactly that in ‘the old days’
They were not purchased as an investment.
Many people lived in the same house all of their lives.
House prices escalated in the 80s, no one gained. If you sold your house at a profit the replacement was just as expensive.
The Mortgage rate was 16% at one stage.
It’s quite amusing the way some posters think older people were so wonderfully wealthy.
So in 2025, older people should, if possible work out how much they need for care. This includes Dentistry, Optometrist, Chiropody, all Medical matters. The NHS doesn’t work for everyone. My 72 year old family member is currently on a trolley in A/E & has been there for 48 hours. Private medicine is costly. £20,000 for a replacement hip operation to avoid being in agony for 1/2 years.
The OP DF may seem as if he has a lot of savings, but that money would disappear in a flash if his health deteriorated.
Hopefully OP doesn’t wish her DF to be in pain or die prematurely?!
If saving or hoarding cash for these eventualities is seen as bad then so be it.

No. I stood on my own two feet from when I was a teenager. I lived alone from 16, actually in significant poverty.

I built everything for myself. I improved things year after year and was pleased with the standard of living I’d built with no help at all. I would have continued to do so, if the circumstances described had not closed off all possible avenues to improve things in any way.

However, when circumstances mean a child and grandchildren are in a very precarious situation and desperately in need of help and a parent has become very wealthy and is very easily able to help if they chose to with no impact on their own life or financial security at all then it is supremely selfish not to do so, and calling people who would expect that from family “entitled” is disgraceful.

There are many slightly less extreme but comparable circumstances set out by other posters on this thread. It is a fact that many current retirees are sitting on piles of gold like Smaug and watching their families suffer needlessly, and some even seeming to take pleasure in feeling superior for it.

I think you probably underestimate how hard he had it as a child, or as a parent when you were young. This is why people stay in Travelodges and buy yellow sticker food - they had it rough for years, and money in the bank is an insurance against hard times again. It's easier to not spend then it is to earn.

I am (relatively) OK now as a pensioner but I remember telling a neighbour once that it was the 6th of the month and I only had £20 in the bank to last the rest of the month. Also going for days at a time on pasta and black pepper. Knowing if I borrowed, I wouldn't be able to pay it back. Credit cards maxed out. But life got easier when the DC got older and I could work more.

Now I put money away every month. I do help my DC financially ( invest for them, etc) but I don't want to just hand them cash - they are adults who have to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions. I remember feeling insulted when my mum brought food round! But I did eat at her place.

As a housewife 🤣

I'm sorry I didn't choose the appropriate word. You sound angry, rightfully so, but I won't be a target for that.

This mostly applies to the 'middle class'. But the middle can't see this - they just feel entitled for things to always go upwards.

It's doesn't apply to those benefiting from social mobility. From the black girl on the council estate that will become the first of the family to go to uni. She won't moan 'but my student loan repayment is so much more' or 'why am I not being gifted a deposit'. She'll move into a totally new world and unlike her parents she may actually begin to save for a deposit, which was totally out of reach for them. And I suspect she'd just get on with it, because for her it's a massive opportunity and improvement.

No, just typical hyperbole from self-important people who have no concept of family.

It’s perfectly possible to behave like a compassionate and decent human being towards your family without pretending that any expectation that parents who can afford to do this actually do so, means that their children with they were dead.

Quite the opposite: the point is rather than they should do this during life, if they were decent people.

Care home fees. That'll barely touch the sides.