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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
Sillysalamander · 03/11/2025 11:37

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 23:24

Thank you everyone for the advice. I’ve had stern words. I’m making a curry for everyone as I like curry, make a lovely curry and am comfortable making it. He will prepare a traditional side dish himself. Not going to do the classic English Christmas dinner as I’m not comfortable doing that for 5 people for my first time

Edited

Why the fuck are you still skipping family Christmas with your family to spend time catering for rude twats who exclude you? And you’re not saving money if funding it all? Go to your parents!!

Sillysalamander · 03/11/2025 11:34

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

NO HE DOES NOT! He did not cook at all that Christmas did he? So why the FUCK would you need to cook for HIS cultural Christmas! He sounds horrible and so do they and I’d be telling him today I’m going to my family for Christmas and if he keeps being rude and rattling on about traditional roles that we may be incompatible and need to rethink because you have British values which means an equal partnership is valued. I’d throw this one back! Yuck!

rashancard · 03/11/2025 11:27

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. It’s a huge ask, especially when you’ve never cooked those dishes before and you’re pregnant too. Wanting a relaxed Christmas at home doesn’t make you miserable — it’s just about having fair expectations. Maybe suggest celebrating their traditional meal at their place next year, when you can plan and enjoy it properly together. This year, you deserve to rest and have the cosy day you imagined. ❤️🎄

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?
ResultsMayVary · 03/11/2025 11:25

Maybe he can buy it pre cooked from a local restaurant then reheat it for his relatives?

It's a shame that you will feel unwell on Christmas and will need to rest..

ChestnutGrove · 03/11/2025 11:20

Sunita1234 · 03/11/2025 11:14

Wow, so much misunderstanding on this thread concerning cultural English-Polish differences.
In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy. He is not a 'misogynistic pig' - he an average Polish guy who was brought in a traditional way that was probably common in the UK sometime in the 1960s.
Christmas is no 1 (religious) festival in Poland and it means spending time with the family and cooking (a lot). Normally it's both wife and husband who cook this Christmas dinner AND next day's big festive breakfast/lunch. Of course the guy should help and learn to to cook(!)
Sadly, this relationship will not survive as both of you have very different expectations, the idea of what the family is and the roles of men and women in the relationship. Your partner probably misses his family life that he had back home while growing up and wants you to be included in his family, but you don't want to be included and call his family -'strangers'. How bizarre. They are not strangers - if something bad happens in your married life, they will help you to go through it together. Family in Poland is there for good times and for bad times. The unity of the family is priority and your partner wants you to be included in it. It's a positive sign. But of course, he should help and not put a pressure on you to do everything alone.
BTW carp is not a must at Christmas-Eve dinner. I never had it - we had cod.
There would not have been so much hatred on this thread if it was about e.g. Indian guy. I wonder why it is OK then to make fun of and ridicule Polish culture and food here.

In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy

Hang on a minute. So far her dh has been hosted by OP's British family several times. He now wants OP to use her days off to slave away cooking for his family. I see no evidence of the dh's family "sacrificing" themselves in any way. I also see no evidence of "self-centredness" or "selfishness" on the part of the British side. The opposite more like.

Stop being so xenophobic.

PreciousTatas · 03/11/2025 11:20

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:17

I think you go to your family and leave him to it. If he wants to be the benevolent host then he can do the graft that goes with it. See who's miserable then. Honestly what a prick.

Rethink Christmas.

And seriously rethink tying yourself to this man.

He can find a domestic slave in his own country.

Sunita1234 · 03/11/2025 11:14

Wow, so much misunderstanding on this thread concerning cultural English-Polish differences.
In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy. He is not a 'misogynistic pig' - he an average Polish guy who was brought in a traditional way that was probably common in the UK sometime in the 1960s.
Christmas is no 1 (religious) festival in Poland and it means spending time with the family and cooking (a lot). Normally it's both wife and husband who cook this Christmas dinner AND next day's big festive breakfast/lunch. Of course the guy should help and learn to to cook(!)
Sadly, this relationship will not survive as both of you have very different expectations, the idea of what the family is and the roles of men and women in the relationship. Your partner probably misses his family life that he had back home while growing up and wants you to be included in his family, but you don't want to be included and call his family -'strangers'. How bizarre. They are not strangers - if something bad happens in your married life, they will help you to go through it together. Family in Poland is there for good times and for bad times. The unity of the family is priority and your partner wants you to be included in it. It's a positive sign. But of course, he should help and not put a pressure on you to do everything alone.
BTW carp is not a must at Christmas-Eve dinner. I never had it - we had cod.
There would not have been so much hatred on this thread if it was about e.g. Indian guy. I wonder why it is OK then to make fun of and ridicule Polish culture and food here.

milveycrohn · 03/11/2025 11:13

Get your DH to do all the cooking (it's his traditional food after all),
Or
order it all in (I admit I am not sure about this, but even supermarkets cater for many different cultural traditions these days)

ChestnutGrove · 03/11/2025 11:05

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

The British Christmas was cooked by your side of the family. It's now time for his side of the family to host a traditional Christmas with their food. Tell him that.
Say you know he wants to alternate between your side of the family cooking British and you cooking food from his country, but when are his side of the family and him going to contribute?

deeahgwitch · 03/11/2025 10:52

What sort of food is his traditional Christmas food @KatieBenoiteee?

AtomicPumpkin · 03/11/2025 10:50

Surely the starting point for any dinner party involving elaborate 'traditional' food is that the person who grew up in that tradition cooks the food? It might be pleasant to cook together as a couple and for your partner to teach you how to prepare stuffed carp and other Eastern European dishes, but the main effort should be coming from him. As for inviting people to Christmas dinner without even discussing it with you, words fail me.

ItsameLuigi · 03/11/2025 10:49

You are being unreasonable for not leaving this man. It's only going to get worse with time and adding children into the mix. I would seriously reconsider having this baby, then leaving him because this is a glimpse into your future.

wildflowersplease · 03/11/2025 10:47

Candlesandmatches · 02/11/2025 20:27

Why can’t he cook?

Because he doesn't have a vagina, silly billy!(!)

HermioneWeasley · 03/11/2025 10:46

@KatieBenoiteee I’m adding my
vpice to the chorus of women begging you to leave him and have an abortion. He’s a selfish lazy sexist prick and I’m telling you this will not get better. If you have his baby then you are tied to him forever. Please please leave him and build a better life for yourself.

MissDoubleU · 03/11/2025 10:45

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:22

he has offered to help with the cleaning up etc but this is missing the point IMO

What an absolute prince. He’s offered to HELP?

He is not a good man, wake up to it.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/11/2025 10:42

What is going to happen if pregnancy sickness catches up with you (hopefully it won't, but you need to be prepared) and you literally can't even LOOK at food in the entire run up to Christmas? Is he still going to expect you to go through with cooking this 'feast'?

lechatnoir · 03/11/2025 10:36

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:22

he has offered to help with the cleaning up etc but this is missing the point IMO

This is where you have it all wrong OP - you should be offering to help him. Help suggests he's doing you a favour

Crudd99 · 03/11/2025 10:32

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2025 20:15

I think you might have made a mistake with this man.

Agree.

NourWu · 03/11/2025 10:27

It’s completely unfair for him to invite people without asking and then expect you to cook a whole foreign Christmas meal, especially when you’re pregnant and wanted a quiet day.

mabelsveryable · 03/11/2025 10:24

At least you haven't managed this sexist delight of a partner yet.

His talk of looking forward to his foreign food Christmas with friends who will leave you feeling excluded at times is testing your boundaries, cementing in his requirements of you. His reaction when you said you felt overwhelmed by the prospect is emotionally coercive.

Leave while you can and claim through the CSA for support for your child.

His domination of your relationship with the way he wants things to be will only get worse. You're from different cultures and I would suggest his culture puts women firmly in second place particularly once they take up the role of mother to his children.

Out of interest, who would be shopping for/paying for all of the food he wnats you to cook.

warrenettie · 03/11/2025 10:18

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. That sounds like a lot to take on, especially when you’re pregnant and were hoping for a quiet Christmas. It’s one thing to include a few of his traditional dishes if he’s willing to help, but expecting you to host and cook an entire spread for people you barely know is too much.
It’s totally fair to set a boundary and say you’d rather visit them or keep it simple this year. Christmas shouldn’t feel like a chore, and if he wants to celebrate his traditions, he should take the lead in organising or cooking — not just hand it all to you.

GAJLY · 03/11/2025 10:12

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:17

I think you go to your family and leave him to it. If he wants to be the benevolent host then he can do the graft that goes with it. See who's miserable then. Honestly what a prick.

I actually agree with this 👆

Lovelyview · 03/11/2025 10:09

Glad you've sorted it op but you need to sort this out long term. If he wouldn't even prepare some food for you when you were ill then he's not a good guy. Just because he mows the lawn doesn't mean you have to cook every single meal. My husband loves cooking and, apart from baking, I don't enjoy it much. We still split cooking between us although he does Christmas.

WeWillAllGoTogether · 03/11/2025 10:02

I know some posters have their doubts about whether the OP is on a wind-up, but there are enough (minority) responses on this thread which demonstrate there are women who will willing doormat themselves in this situation, for the sake of pleasing a man.

lechatnoir · 03/11/2025 10:01

OP this isn't just about Christmas but your whole future together. How he reacts to you putting your foot down will be very telling. You need to make it very clear you were looking forward to a quiet Christmas so he should have consulted you first but as it's now done he is hosting - this means sorting sleeping arrangements making and then changing beds, buying presents, shopping and cooking for the meal. You will obviously help but just as he would - if he specifically asks you to do a job then do it, but if he doesn't, then don't.

If he sulks, turns it back on you being difficult or worse you end up doing it all, then I'm afraid some of the harsher posters would not be far off the mark in calling him a lazy misogynist prick who you would be better off without.

Stand up now and with any luck he'll realise you mean business and step up for Christmas and your future.