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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
LittleArithmetics · 03/11/2025 13:06

gamerchick · 03/11/2025 12:28

Right!

Says a lot of what people think about the polish if they've assumed he is.

Show quote history

I can't be bothered to read back through the thread but I suspect one person assumed and said Polish, and everyone else is going by that comment.

JudgeJ · 03/11/2025 13:04

The Brits are shown up in a very bad light on this thread, very insular and quite frankly uneducated about how life is lived in the outside world.

Of course they are , on MN it's totally acceptable to denigrate 'Brits', an offensive term, should be Britons, try it with other nationalities and see what happens. If her partner and his family who she hardly knows, want a traditional Polish Christmas they have 2 choices, they get together and cook the meal with the OP observing for future reference or they have it at their own home, partner visits there and the OP goes elsewhere. The Ryanair option is there too.
Learning new recipes from other cultures can be very interesting but to do so for something like a Christmas feast is not a good idea!

thestudio · 03/11/2025 13:00

You need to look at the issue of him expecting you to do the shitwork because you have a vagina across the whole of your relationship.

100% guarantee this is not a one-off.

Why are women still accepting these exploitative pricks?

askmenow · 03/11/2025 12:52

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

And so starts the coercive control.

Maddy70 · 03/11/2025 12:50

TheCosyViewer · 02/11/2025 20:28

Please, do not cook this dinner and do making up sleeping spaces. Either your DP cooks his idea of a traditional Christmas meal on you push ahead with your M&S dinner.

Though I'd be reconsidering your relationship with his man, he will never play his part in cooking or housework and if/when you have children, childcare will all be down to you. He's also isolating you from his family and I bet the reason you aren't going home this Christmas is not to save money but to humour partner.

End the relationship and go to your family for Christmas.

What sort of person invites guests for Christmas, tells their partner that they must cook recipes that are traditional to their country and states in advance that they won't help you because they don't like cooking.

Jesus ....end the relationship because he invited his family for Christmas? The drama!
Op just says he can cook. She either grows a backbone or not!

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/11/2025 12:47

DeanElderberry · 03/11/2025 12:41

Mowing the lawn is comparable with vacuuming the house. DIY is comparable with doing the household linen laundry (I'm assuming he washes his own clothes) and making sure essential items are in stock.

Cooking, particularly for visitors is a whole other thing, and the person with strong feelings about what food should be on offer should be the one preparing it.

Very few people work on diy several times a day pretty much every day of the week

PullTheBricksDown · 03/11/2025 12:44

DeanElderberry · 03/11/2025 12:41

Mowing the lawn is comparable with vacuuming the house. DIY is comparable with doing the household linen laundry (I'm assuming he washes his own clothes) and making sure essential items are in stock.

Cooking, particularly for visitors is a whole other thing, and the person with strong feelings about what food should be on offer should be the one preparing it.

Nope. Few people mow the lawn as often as they vacuum. Few people do DIY as often as they do a load of washing. Not a level playing field.

Naunet · 03/11/2025 12:43

Sunita1234 · 03/11/2025 11:14

Wow, so much misunderstanding on this thread concerning cultural English-Polish differences.
In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy. He is not a 'misogynistic pig' - he an average Polish guy who was brought in a traditional way that was probably common in the UK sometime in the 1960s.
Christmas is no 1 (religious) festival in Poland and it means spending time with the family and cooking (a lot). Normally it's both wife and husband who cook this Christmas dinner AND next day's big festive breakfast/lunch. Of course the guy should help and learn to to cook(!)
Sadly, this relationship will not survive as both of you have very different expectations, the idea of what the family is and the roles of men and women in the relationship. Your partner probably misses his family life that he had back home while growing up and wants you to be included in his family, but you don't want to be included and call his family -'strangers'. How bizarre. They are not strangers - if something bad happens in your married life, they will help you to go through it together. Family in Poland is there for good times and for bad times. The unity of the family is priority and your partner wants you to be included in it. It's a positive sign. But of course, he should help and not put a pressure on you to do everything alone.
BTW carp is not a must at Christmas-Eve dinner. I never had it - we had cod.
There would not have been so much hatred on this thread if it was about e.g. Indian guy. I wonder why it is OK then to make fun of and ridicule Polish culture and food here.

Ohh so a man expecting a woman to cook for him and guests he invited, and dictate what he wants served, is not actually misogyny, it's 'culture' 🙄

DeanElderberry · 03/11/2025 12:41

Mowing the lawn is comparable with vacuuming the house. DIY is comparable with doing the household linen laundry (I'm assuming he washes his own clothes) and making sure essential items are in stock.

Cooking, particularly for visitors is a whole other thing, and the person with strong feelings about what food should be on offer should be the one preparing it.

Tartantotty · 03/11/2025 12:40

Ask them to prepare and bring some of their own dishes as you can't be expected to know their recipes etc. Tell them that you will contribute some British food as well (ie pigs in blanket, turkey salad, mince pies, christmas cake). Make it a team effort.

Your husband should also contribute and help you, but maybe he comes from a culture where women are expected to do all the cooking etc. Culture clash can be a big issue these days..

pontefractals · 03/11/2025 12:30

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

You don't need to answer here, but I'd have a think about how much of your time in an average week is taken up by deciding on, shopping for, and cooking food, and how much of his time is taken up by DIY and lawn-mowing in the same average week.

gamerchick · 03/11/2025 12:28

LittleArithmetics · 03/11/2025 12:18

From where did we discover that the boyfriend is Polish? I can only see OP saying 'a Central European country'.

Right!

Says a lot of what people think about the polish if they've assumed he is.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 03/11/2025 12:25

Is it also Polish culture to make condescending comments about people’s jobs?

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/11/2025 12:25

My mums family always made traditional Christmas biscuits. I used to but have been too busy the last couple of years with children and all. Now I see my problem is solved, I shall command my husband to make them. He owes me them since I do a lot more than mow the lawns in our house.

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/11/2025 12:21

Sunita1234 · 03/11/2025 11:14

Wow, so much misunderstanding on this thread concerning cultural English-Polish differences.
In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy. He is not a 'misogynistic pig' - he an average Polish guy who was brought in a traditional way that was probably common in the UK sometime in the 1960s.
Christmas is no 1 (religious) festival in Poland and it means spending time with the family and cooking (a lot). Normally it's both wife and husband who cook this Christmas dinner AND next day's big festive breakfast/lunch. Of course the guy should help and learn to to cook(!)
Sadly, this relationship will not survive as both of you have very different expectations, the idea of what the family is and the roles of men and women in the relationship. Your partner probably misses his family life that he had back home while growing up and wants you to be included in his family, but you don't want to be included and call his family -'strangers'. How bizarre. They are not strangers - if something bad happens in your married life, they will help you to go through it together. Family in Poland is there for good times and for bad times. The unity of the family is priority and your partner wants you to be included in it. It's a positive sign. But of course, he should help and not put a pressure on you to do everything alone.
BTW carp is not a must at Christmas-Eve dinner. I never had it - we had cod.
There would not have been so much hatred on this thread if it was about e.g. Indian guy. I wonder why it is OK then to make fun of and ridicule Polish culture and food here.

Since you’re defending this guy where do you put that it’s core polish culture to never ever cook? Like this prince among men, and to throw a massive sulk when after ordering their pregnant partner to cook new and strange foods she neither knows nor has recipes for so she refuses? And is it also cute lovely polish inclusive culture to tell your partner that the conversation at this meal she has the privilege of cooking for will all be in a language she doesn’t speak but it will be nice for him so she shouldn’t mind? And it’s totally the same thing that he’s been hosted wined and dined by her and her family for Christmas so of course he tells her that means SHE has to entertain HIS relatives while following a set of strict rules?
if you want to tell me this is genuine polish culture that’s useful to know since many of us probably didn’t realise it would be a terrible mistake to date a Pole. Ladies, don’t date Poles.

Liveafr · 03/11/2025 12:19

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

But it's not quite the same. DIY and mowing lawn is something you do occasionnally, while cooking is something that has to be done every day. Plus cooking involves a lot of other tasks: tidying up the kitchen, clearing plates, washing dishes (does he do those?) and mental load: thinking of what to cook, putting ingredients in the shopping list and remembering the sell-by dates, knowing what is in the fridge.
In a healthy and balanced relationship where the couple work as a team, it's ok for one partner to do some chores more often than the other (as long as the total amount is balanced), but you can't opt out of chore just because you don't like it.

MauriceTheMussel · 03/11/2025 12:18

Edited because I was way too harsh.

Please just leave this man. Seriously.

This isn’t the definition of a “partner”.

Rewis · 03/11/2025 12:18

I really want to have traditional dishes from my home country for Christmas. It is important to me. And I've solved this by making them myself. How could I expect my partner to cook food he's never had the way my grandma does? Well, how could I expect my partner to make an entire Christmas dinner by himself?

LittleArithmetics · 03/11/2025 12:18

From where did we discover that the boyfriend is Polish? I can only see OP saying 'a Central European country'.

thislittlebird · 03/11/2025 12:14

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 23:25

Exactly. I told him I was being set up to fail

Show quote history

This is spot on, you’re totally being set up to fail and I’m glad you said no to the trad food. You are being very accommodating to cook them anything imo.

pusspuss9 · 03/11/2025 12:05

Sunita1234 · 03/11/2025 11:14

Wow, so much misunderstanding on this thread concerning cultural English-Polish differences.
In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy. He is not a 'misogynistic pig' - he an average Polish guy who was brought in a traditional way that was probably common in the UK sometime in the 1960s.
Christmas is no 1 (religious) festival in Poland and it means spending time with the family and cooking (a lot). Normally it's both wife and husband who cook this Christmas dinner AND next day's big festive breakfast/lunch. Of course the guy should help and learn to to cook(!)
Sadly, this relationship will not survive as both of you have very different expectations, the idea of what the family is and the roles of men and women in the relationship. Your partner probably misses his family life that he had back home while growing up and wants you to be included in his family, but you don't want to be included and call his family -'strangers'. How bizarre. They are not strangers - if something bad happens in your married life, they will help you to go through it together. Family in Poland is there for good times and for bad times. The unity of the family is priority and your partner wants you to be included in it. It's a positive sign. But of course, he should help and not put a pressure on you to do everything alone.
BTW carp is not a must at Christmas-Eve dinner. I never had it - we had cod.
There would not have been so much hatred on this thread if it was about e.g. Indian guy. I wonder why it is OK then to make fun of and ridicule Polish culture and food here.

I have wider family who are Polish. I so agree with everything you have written.

When they make the Polish Christmas dinners we never have carp (especially the rubbish about carp in the bath tub) They do have some other fish though.

My wider family have 13 small courses (I think it was 13) and also laid an extra place at the table in case of strangers passing who had no Christmas dinner or nowhere to go.
Their Christmases are magical.
The Brits are shown up in a very bad light on this thread, very insular and quite frankly uneducated about how life is lived in the outside world.

pusspuss9 · 03/11/2025 11:54

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 03/11/2025 05:57

Trying something new in the kitchen is irrelevant, she's been tasked with cooking a full foreign Christmas spread for people she didn't even invite. There should be some kind of logic or reading comprehension requirement to post, honestly

Show quote history

In reply to your rude comment, you will see that trying something new is not irrelevant.
Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes.
OP makes other mention of the fact that she will be expected to cook things she has never cooked before and she 's nervous about that.

In your case I concur with the comment 'There should be some kind of logic or reading comprehension requirement to post, honestly'

ridl14 · 03/11/2025 11:51

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

It's not unreasonable for him to want to take turns with Christmas tradition and family members. It is unreasonable for him to invite them without asking you and especially to assume you'll be cooking. Let alone recipes you're not familiar with and can't even find!

We spend Christmas with my DH's family (live locally, my brother joins and stays with us as well, and my only other family is my grandma and uncle who don't really celebrate so we try and see them a couple days later) - all from a different culture. We'd like to host in a year or two as we have a young baby however there is no way on this planet that either my DH, MIL or any of our extended family would expect me to cook unfamiliar recipes 😂 even if my friends visit, DH tends to be the one to cook lunch. And I can cook well!

And you're pregnant and in that early exhausting phase! Love, please go to your parents' instead, forget about presents just say not to get you anything.

Edit: also OP, your partner doesn't even have to cook. Ordering food and oven food are all options! Don't be made to feel guilty about his choices. Plus please consider what you'll do during pregnancy and when the baby comes. I was off dinner duty for a long time with morning sickness/ cluster feeding! He'll have to cope somehow

WhatterySquash · 03/11/2025 11:44

ChestnutGrove · 03/11/2025 11:20

In Poland family is no 1 priority. We take care of our loved ones even if it means sacrificing ourselves. English culture is much more self-centred and selfish in this regard, hence so much hatred here towards the guy

Hang on a minute. So far her dh has been hosted by OP's British family several times. He now wants OP to use her days off to slave away cooking for his family. I see no evidence of the dh's family "sacrificing" themselves in any way. I also see no evidence of "self-centredness" or "selfishness" on the part of the British side. The opposite more like.

Stop being so xenophobic.

Show quote history

Yeah and if family is no 1 what about a bit of self-sacrifice from him for his pregnant partner? Does that family not count?

Plus culture, schmulture. Sexism and misogyny are not OK, I don't care if they're someone's "culture", women are humans, women are of equal value and sexism should be countered by women not putting up with it. I'm English, I know UK culture is sexist too and I don't think that's OK because it's "our culture". I say no to it.

We don't say FGM is OK. We don't say how women are being treated in Afghanistan is OK. These things are cultural but they can and should be changed. The same goes for crappy sexist attitudes that leave woman with the shitty end of the deal, wherever they are the norm.

It is not "hatred" to not want to go along with your partner's sexist cultural attitudes.

M103 · 03/11/2025 11:43

He had British Christmas dinners for years,but he didn't have to cook it!! If he wants his own country cuisine, he cooks it!