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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/11/2025 20:25

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

There is no issue with having his traditional Christmas food - but he will need to do the shopping and cooking.

PullTheBricksDown · 02/11/2025 20:25

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

So you held a gun to his head and made him go to your parents and eat their food, right?

I'd call his bluff and say they can come, but you won't be cooking their traditional food. If he wants that, he cooks it or sources it himself. Do you usually do all the cooking?

Have you talked about the pregnancy? Is it what you both want?

80sballetgirl · 02/11/2025 20:25

🚩🚩🚩so many red flags.

Chicaontour · 02/11/2025 20:25

He really doesn't sound great . He wants traditional.cookjng, He does it

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:25

He doesn't have you over a barrel unless he's been cooking a traditional Christmas roast for you and your family for the last few years. Which he hasn't.

You can say no to this. You'll be miserable, resentful, stressed, excluded from conversation and won't enjoy your Christmas if you say yes. Does he care about that? It doesn't sound like it.

tartyflette · 02/11/2025 20:25

It's all about him, is t it? -- and he sounds worse with every post.

NellieElephantine · 02/11/2025 20:24

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:17

I think you go to your family and leave him to it. If he wants to be the benevolent host then he can do the graft that goes with it. See who's miserable then. Honestly what a prick.

Exactly what I was going to write! He and they sound awful!!

Brefugee · 02/11/2025 20:24

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

tell him that every time they shunt you out of a conversation you are going to stand up and scream / play Slade at full volume. And mean it.

But you need to nip this in the bud. Fair enough to do turn and turn about with families at Christmas, but if he wants all his cultural stuff, he has to do it. It's not your culture.

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:24

He doesn't care for you.
He cares about being the big man with the local skivvy.
Dogs life ahead of you.
Rethink that pregnancy while you have time.

Lavender14 · 02/11/2025 20:23

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2025 20:15

I think you might have made a mistake with this man.

Agreed.

There are a few issues here -

  1. Christmas hosting is not something that's unilaterally decided ESPECIALLY if you're not the one doing the lions share of the work.
  2. Why shouldn't he help. It sounds like neither of you enjoy cooking so why would he expect this of you. Why is he incapable of clearing up after or making up the sleeping areas?
  3. Why is he tolerating someone who's insulting and belittling his partner

You need to have a sit down conversation about expectations of each other and be really direct. And either he changes his approach to women (because let's be honest the misogyny is showing here) or you need to really think about what it is you want from life.

BluntPlumHam · 02/11/2025 20:22

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

Can you not go spent Christmas with his family? He can then have all the ‘dishes’ he wants.

Genevieva · 02/11/2025 20:22

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He is choosing to live in Britain and have a British girlfriend. Either he cooks or he gets a British Christmas dinner.

Lucyccfc68 · 02/11/2025 20:22

The same as other people have said - he invited these people, he can cook for them.

Is there an issue with telling him that he needs to cook? His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the type of man he really is.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/11/2025 20:22

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He hasn't got you over a barrel, you're putting yourself there.

Set fire to the fucking barrel, it's only there if you let it be.

Original poster
KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

OP posts:
SweepLovesSoo · 02/11/2025 20:22

This is madness. He wants you to cook because he doesn’t like cooking? But he’s invited people for dinner?

Just go to your mothers.

Greengagesnfennel · 02/11/2025 20:22

Fair enough he wants a Christmas according to his traditions every other year.
Not fair that he expects you to do it.
His year - he cooks.

BluntPlumHam · 02/11/2025 20:22

He should have ran this by you. Op first trimesycan be horrendous. Pack your bags and go to your parents. Put your feet up and let them look after you.

GingerBeverage · 02/11/2025 20:21

What other significant times have you said no to him? Do you usually take direction to this extent? It’s worth establishing your boundaries before you buy a house together.

Just read your update.
Please ensure your savings for the house are separate.

Brefugee · 02/11/2025 20:21

No. He invited them, it is his culture. He can do all the hosting, cooking and preparations, and you can waft around enjoying the food.

Or you tell him that they all start gabbing in their language and exclude you and you are not having that in your home so he can uninvite them.

And if you really want the nuclear option you can go to your parents and leave him to host alone.

yeesh · 02/11/2025 20:21

Well clearly your partner is a sexist, lazy prick. His argument doesn’t stand up as the British Christmas meal was made by someone else 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

OP posts:
BCBird · 02/11/2025 20:21

He cooks it. He invited them

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/11/2025 20:20

Go to your parents, leave him behind. Even if he changes his mind and wants to tag along - he can fuck off.

Frankly, I'd not be in a hurry to head back. He's clearly a dick, your whole life together will be like this with him twatting on about 'traditional roles' while you run yourself ragged and he sits on his arse.

Why on earth you'd set yourself up for a lifetime of that is beyond me.

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:20

He is showing you who he is.
Selfish.
Head off home to your family and leave him to cook.
This is not normal behaviour.
This is your future.
Being made a complete fool of.
Wake up.
Just noticed your pregnant.
Oh dear OP.
Rethink this.
Go home to your parents.
You have a dogs life ahead of you.
Good men don't do this.
Self arseholes whose mask is slipping do this.