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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
Anditstartedagain · 02/11/2025 20:37

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:20

He is showing you who he is.
Selfish.
Head off home to your family and leave him to cook.
This is not normal behaviour.
This is your future.
Being made a complete fool of.
Wake up.
Just noticed your pregnant.
Oh dear OP.
Rethink this.
Go home to your parents.
You have a dogs life ahead of you.
Good men don't do this.
Self arseholes whose mask is slipping do this.

Edited

I agree. Things are just going to get worse when the baby comes along.

JipJup · 02/11/2025 20:37

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:32

I said that they can come but I will only cook food I am comfortable cooking, and he said “Oh so you mean British food then”. This pissed me off as he was making me out to be small-minded. I make meals from all sorts of different cuisines all the time but a Christmas spread of a Central European country is a different story. I’ll be expected to prepare different meats, a stew, make their desserts etc

Is this some sort of Sunday night rage bait?

If he wants to invite them then he can cook for them.

Anything else is irrelevant here unless you're happy to let him treat you like dirt.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 02/11/2025 20:37

What country is it?
I would assign everyone a dish to prepare/ make. Including your dh. If everyone pitches in it could be fun.
But you doing everything? Nooooo!

ahoyshipmate · 02/11/2025 20:36

Just reread you thread to double check your position. Please don’t rush in with him to buy a house. These are major warning signs and him behaving like this BEFORE you’re married or financially tied to him is worrying. What do your parents or friends think of him?

WiltedLettuce · 02/11/2025 20:36

I still don't understand why you think you need to do this.

If my husband suddenly told me that he expected me to fix our roof tiles or perform open heart surgery, he'd be told where to go.

Why don't you just say "No"?

BellissimoGecko · 02/11/2025 20:35

mayGodhelpusall · 02/11/2025 20:33

Hmmm sounds like a bit of a culture clash. I don't know where he's from but perhaps in his country the women embrace the cooking and it is very much expected.Going against the grain a bit here but I think you're going to have to suck it up being as it's a one off (providing your pregnancy is going smoothly of course). Don't stress! Just do your best - you may enjoy learning new dishes.

Don’t be so bloody wet. Why should she??

menopausalmare · 02/11/2025 20:35

I'm angry on your behalf! Go to your family and he can host his cousins at your house. Sounds like they'll converse in his own language and you won't even be part of conversations, once you've finished cooking and washing up.

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2025 20:35

I agree with the idea that he’s done “your Christmas” it’s only fair for you do “his”

However he should be cooking. Or at least it should be a shared venture.

Tell him it’s great he wants his family over and that you can’t wait to try whatever traditional food he cooks.

Failing that - I’d get rid of the mysoginistic hit tbh!

Butterflywings84 · 02/11/2025 20:34

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:25

It was arranged when we all went out together the other week. As we were parting they all switched to own language and I zoned out for a bit and checked my phone. In car on the way home he said “By the way, I’ve invited them for Christmas”

Missed this - the fact he unilaterally did that without speaking to you is so wrong. Does he have form for making decisions for you? Did he just get carried away with finally seeing them? Don’t let him guilt you into thinking you have ruined things for him- he set this up himself

PolyVagalNerve · 02/11/2025 20:34

pizzaHeart · 02/11/2025 20:31

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have one Christmas with his relatives but inviting them without consulting you and also demanding you to cook something you have no idea about … It’s not on, plus his further comments were very unpleasant.

Are you married? Don’t look for the recipes in English, instead top up your contraception and carefully plan your exit.

OP is five weeks pregnant to this nasty pig of a man !

BellissimoGecko · 02/11/2025 20:34

So he has benefited from your parents’ hospitality for the last few years? What has he contributed??

And now he wants you to cook his culture’s food?? He’s a lazy, selfish, stupid, misogynistic bastard.

Tell him to sling his hook.

what’s the rest of your relationship like? If he doesn’t cook, what does he do? Cleaning? Or does he earn millions and look after you financially?? I bet he doesn’t.

life’s too short, op, and you deserve more.

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:34

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:33

I was already nervous enough to cook a Christmas dinner for the 2 of us but there wasn’t much pressure to that. If I’d have buggered it up oh well, we’d laugh about it and order a pizza. But now it’s going to be so much pressure

It doesn't have to be if you say no.

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:34

Well you can't say you weren't clearly warned about the dogs life you have signed up for OP.
You have a clear view of your future.
Very hard to believe that he hasn't shown you this side before.
Arseholes often hold a lot in until their victims are pregnant and they think they have them now, stuck.

You aren't stuck.
You can get away from him.
If you were my daughter I would want you out of there.

You must be very very vulnerable with low self esteem to be accepting this.
God love you.

MorningFresh · 02/11/2025 20:33

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

😲
So basically he's invited his mates for Christmas and he's expecting you to do the work. Well, he needs putting straight doesn't he. My options to him would be, 1. He issued the invites so he does the work, if he doesn't like that, 2. You and he have your own Christmas and you split the work between you, or 3. He caters to his mates alone and you go have a nice time with your folks.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 02/11/2025 20:33

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

Leave. Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave. LEAVE.

Original poster
KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:33

I was already nervous enough to cook a Christmas dinner for the 2 of us but there wasn’t much pressure to that. If I’d have buggered it up oh well, we’d laugh about it and order a pizza. But now it’s going to be so much pressure

OP posts:
mayGodhelpusall · 02/11/2025 20:33

Hmmm sounds like a bit of a culture clash. I don't know where he's from but perhaps in his country the women embrace the cooking and it is very much expected.Going against the grain a bit here but I think you're going to have to suck it up being as it's a one off (providing your pregnancy is going smoothly of course). Don't stress! Just do your best - you may enjoy learning new dishes.

WiltedLettuce · 02/11/2025 20:33

He can expect the moon if he wants, that doesn't mean he'll get it.

Just tell him that as host, of course he'll be cooking.

He sounds like a complete twat.

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:32

And it's RUDE AS FUCK for them to all speak a different language when you're there.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 02/11/2025 20:32

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

If you were refusing to entertain the idea of a Christmas with his traditional food he would have an argument. Or if he had done all the cooking for the traditional British Christmas for the last few years he might have a slight point. However, you're not and he didn't. You're simply, quite reasonablly, refusing to cook dishes you're not familiar with.

He accepted your parents' hospitality each year, ate what they provided and was, hopefully, polite and thankful. His cousin, partner and partner's brother should do the same if they come to your house. You and he then decide who is cooking and the cook gets to decide the menu.

My brother lives abroad. He wants an traditional Irish Christmas dinner. His wife doesn't care. He cooks.

ahoyshipmate · 02/11/2025 20:32

Why are you cooking and making sleeping arrangements? He invited them so he can bloody well cook and stress about where people sleep. I’d be using this as a barometer of how he treats you and whether he’s actually a decent partner.

Citylady88 · 02/11/2025 20:32

Well now you're pregnant he's showing his true colours. He wants to be making 100% of the decisions & leaving you to do 100% of the actual work. It's interesting that you mention this being 'tradition'. You also call him your DP. Is he okay with being non traditional when it comes to marriage but he needs you to do the traditional wifely duties in the kitchen. This is completely unacceptable & you can just say no. But you really need to watch out for other signs of his treatment of you. He's so far being controlling, misogynistic, excluding you & emotionally blackmailing you.

Original poster
KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:32

I said that they can come but I will only cook food I am comfortable cooking, and he said “Oh so you mean British food then”. This pissed me off as he was making me out to be small-minded. I make meals from all sorts of different cuisines all the time but a Christmas spread of a Central European country is a different story. I’ll be expected to prepare different meats, a stew, make their desserts etc

OP posts:
cannynotsay · 02/11/2025 20:31

Oh girl this is gonna be your life. Never too late to walk away

pizzaHeart · 02/11/2025 20:31

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have one Christmas with his relatives but inviting them without consulting you and also demanding you to cook something you have no idea about … It’s not on, plus his further comments were very unpleasant.

Are you married? Don’t look for the recipes in English, instead top up your contraception and carefully plan your exit.