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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
LizzyEm · 02/11/2025 21:13

You need to go and search 'sherlock' on threads.

Merryoldgoat · 02/11/2025 21:12

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:10

He’s confusing as well because a few months ago I bought ingredients to make a traditional stew from his country and I was really excited to make it for him and when I told him he told me not to bother because it wouldn’t be the same!

Edited

Come on @KatieBenoiteee

What are you doing with this man?

CausalInference · 02/11/2025 21:11

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

Wow so he thinks you'll be in the kitchen cooking/serving them and they'll be sat having a wonderful time, what a twat, you're pregnant too!! My husband would never treat me like this whether I was pregnant or not, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

Doobedobe · 02/11/2025 21:10

Is there a restaurant that does his cuisine that you can all go to? Or can you order it in?
I am a terrible cook, on purpose so noone ever asks me to do such a thing.
I secretly like cooking and can cook, but my partner thinks I only know how to cook 4 dishes. This is 16 years into our relationship 😂

Original poster
KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:10

He’s confusing as well because a few months ago I bought ingredients to make a traditional stew from his country and I was really excited to make it for him and when I told him he told me not to bother because it wouldn’t be the same!

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 02/11/2025 21:10

This is not the first time someone has a problem like this on Mumsnet.

A woman writes "My husband/partner invited all these people over! Now I have to cook [and clean]! I am so stressed!"

Other people write "Your husband/partner invited them. He can cook. [and clean]. You relax with the beverage of your choice."

OP-woman answers "No, I have to cook! My husband/partner can't possibly cook! He wants me too cook! I am so stressed!"

And so on.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/11/2025 21:10

MidnightColours · 02/11/2025 21:07

Why would it be on the OP to find out about and cook his national cuisine (festive Christmas fare to boot!), when he doesn't and won't cook? Or is this "basic" requirement just on the OP?

Show quote history

Exactly. Why is it up to the op to cook. traditional foods,when her H dislikes cooking' so refuses to do any himself ?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/11/2025 21:10

OP, there is so much wrong with this situation, I don't know where to start:

  • he excluded you, not only from the conversation but from the decision-making about these friends being invited AND what they were going to eat AND that you were going to cook it
  • he plans for you to spend Christmas in the kitchen while he relaxes with his friends
  • he's not doing any of the work because he's 'traditional', for that read 'he doesn't want his friend to think you're calling the shots'
  • he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the one being difficult (hint: you aren't).
I'm sure I could go on but do you want this to be your life? I really hope you haven't got children. For God's sake, don't get pregnant. When he accuses you of being selfish you're reply is 'You aren't my boss. I'm not your servant. If you want food from your own country, you cook it. If you invite friends over, they're your guests. If you want to do all this, I won't be able to follow the conversation so I'm off to my parents' for Christmas.'

I would have dumped him already, myself.

TempestTost · 02/11/2025 21:09

If it were me I would let him have his family for the meal but be firm about the cooking.

It can be hard for people to change their long held expectations about things like holiday meals. And if he doesn't cook he might notfeel up to the task either. But he needs to understand this is also outside your wheelhouse.

I'd tell him that you are happy to have differernt food, but cooking the special holiday dishes is not something you are comfortable with, you have no better idea than he does and in fact less because you don't know what they are supposed to be like. So he'll have to be in charge of that part. Maybe offer to sous chef if you think he could use the help.

If he will come round it could really be a nice thing to do together and in coming years maybe you could even bring some of his dishes to your family events.

rouk · 02/11/2025 21:09

OP, I won't comment on the relationship dynamics as it looks like you got plenty of advice on that one...

On the topic of food, my husband is Eastern European, and over the years, I've learned how to make some dishes out of my own curiosity, but I would never attempt to do a full Christmas spread as I wouldn't want to ruin Christmas dinner for everyone (myself included, haha). Perhaps you can order a few traditional dishes from an ethnic store together with your partner; it's very common for Eastern European families we know to pre-order food for Easter and Christmas. And mix that with one or two dishes that are traditional to your family.

BoarBrush · 02/11/2025 21:08

What Christmas cuisine are we talking bout here?

RightOnTheEdge · 02/11/2025 21:08

ElizabethVonArnim · 02/11/2025 20:41

If you’re all in with this man and want the life that is unfolding before you, and don’t plan to chuck him over this, then invite your own family too. You shouldn’t be on the outside at Christmas, and your mum or dad can help you with the cooking, so you can have convivial times in the kitchen. As neither of you will have cooked their traditional dishes, the normal boss/sous chef hierarchy won’t be in place in the cooking and you can just have fun with it and muddle through together.

You’re not wrong to be upset with him over this, but on the other hand, you’re a few years down the line and having a baby together. Only you can know whether this is a big enough deal to follow the LTB advice, and if it’s not, then make the day your own and find ways to have fun with it.

Invite her parents over to help with the cooking? What on earth?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 02/11/2025 21:08

OP can you please explain how the fuck you have ended up in a relationship where you are the only person who will cook, and this doesn't even seem to be something you question?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/11/2025 21:08

But now it’s going to be so much pressure

Sorry, am I missing something?
What is difficult about telling your selfish boyfriend that you're not doing it?

ThisPithyJoker · 02/11/2025 21:08

Another vote for 'if he invites guests, fine, but he cooks'. You cook what you want to eat or he cooks - no debate

bumblingbovine49 · 02/11/2025 21:08

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He doesn't have you over a barrel. Your parents cooked a traditional christmas dinner not you . If he wants a Christmas that is traditional in his country it should be at the home of someone who comes from there.

Just say that your plan for Christmas is to make an M&S dinner at tour home and his family is welcome if they are happy with that otherwise they will have to go elsewhere

Can you not see how unreasonable he is being? Tou need to agree what traditional s you will have in your home. That is completely different from when you visit other people l.

MidnightColours · 02/11/2025 21:07

pusspuss9 · 02/11/2025 21:03

I haven't read the whole thread so excuse any repeats.
In the years you've been together, have you made any efforts at all to find out about his culture or the kind of food they eat? Surely this is a basic?

Mid European probably has similarities with the kinds of foods eaten in UK.
If you give us a clue as to which culture then maybe we can help with ideas?

Why would it be on the OP to find out about and cook his national cuisine (festive Christmas fare to boot!), when he doesn't and won't cook? Or is this "basic" requirement just on the OP?

Tink3rbell30 · 02/11/2025 21:07

He can cook!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/11/2025 21:06

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

What a selfish tosser.
Tell him to cook.

He wants a traditional Christmas?
He wants particular food?

Then he cooks it.

Sennelier1 · 02/11/2025 21:06

Find a caterer doing your husband's cultural food, order a christmas dinner - have it delivered to your door. Yes, expensive, but I don't thinkyounstill wa t to buy a house with this man.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 02/11/2025 21:05

OP this is the 21st century he can cook it his fucking self. Don't buy a house with this absolute twonk and please reconsider this relationship, he ain't the one.

And this is supposed to be the honeymoon period, if you get even more inbedded with this person he will wear you down to the bone.

Mydadsbirthday · 02/11/2025 21:04

Why are you having a baby with this man? He sounds awful.

CausalInference · 02/11/2025 21:04

If it's his traditional food he can cook it, if he is keen to invite people and host he does the leg work, you sit with his guests, relax and entertain. I'll bet when he joined your family for christmas he didnt do any of the cooking? Does he think this sort of thing is the women's job? I would not accept this.

More to the point how are you going to cook them a traditional meal from their country if you have no idea what these dishes are meant to taste like, nevermind have the foggiest where to start making them. He sounds like a right twat though, are you sure you want a baby with him?

Merryoldgoat · 02/11/2025 21:04

You know those posts where a woman writes about how awful
her partner is to her and the children and that she never saw it coming? And cows like me say ‘I cannot believe there were no signs in 3 years’?

THESE ARE THE SIGNS.

This is a man who will expect you to be a drudge for him.

Get out now before your baby is born.

Tapsthemic · 02/11/2025 21:04

OP, absolutely no way. He “was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook” my jaw hit the floor!

If you genuinely feel he is a lovely partner and this is just him wanting some home comfort, then he can manage this by making it a collaborative thing - the guests can bring starters/desserts, and he can be your co-chef, working with you as you both figure it out, plan and make stuff together in advance, so you can enjoy the day itself.

Anything less than this would give me the irreversible ick x