To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

…

You have a much bigger problem than food for Christmas.

There’s a reason that a lot of abuse starts when the woman is pregnant - because it’s one of the times when you’re most vulnerable. The way he reacted when you had the flu seems to me like a sign of things to come. Any man (or woman) in the world can cook an egg without fucking it up IF THEY WANT TO. You said he seems to have “forgotten” how to cook when you moved in. I’d bet money that when the baby comes, he’ll also forget how to wake up during the night, or in fact how to do anything at all. These are the kind of men that think maternity leave is a “vacation.”

And I know it may be a knee-jerk reaction to respond, “He’s never hurt me!” And hopefully he never will, but there’s more than one type of abuse. It sounds to me like he’s not someone who fights “fair” (accusing you of “ruining” your whole evening TONIGHT because he was just thinking of childhood Christmases and you rightly pointed out that you, no shit, are incapable of making some feast of foreign dishes). How’s he acting right now? STILL short with you? Maybe he’s even giving you the silent treatment? Not. Good. Relationship research has shown that relationships ending (in particular, divorce) can be predicted by the way people fight.

Maybe there’s a lot of good to this relationship and this incident is just happening to highlight all the weak spots. But if he already told you not to make his cultural food because “it won’t be the same,” then you’re in a catch-22: even if you DID make the full Eastern European Christmas dinner, you’d be stuck staring at a bunch of slapped-arse sour faces because it wasn’t “just like mum used to make.” The only way to win is not to play, and I saw your comment that said you’ve told him no.

But you need to do a lot of thinking. Like I said, is he miraculously going to bad at changing nappies and soothing the baby and night wake ups and making bottles and and and… the same way he became magically bad at cooking when you moved in?

I added the GIF because I thought you needed a light-hearted moment but… really. Maybe go to your parents for a weekend so you really have time to think.

It’s only 3 extra people, so your partner can do the cooking. Tell your partner that he will be doing the cooking exactly as he wants it and sorting out the sleeping areas. Just say you aren’t doing it. And don’t do it. keep on reminding him you won’t be doing it .

First poster always nails it.

This man has been incredibly rude, he should have discussed it with you before inviting anyone.
If he feels nostalgic about his country’s traditional food, he should be a bit more proactive and start cooking. He should do the hosting duties.
A very disrespectful man, you’ve got. This doesn’t look good.

DIY happens once in a blue moon, mowing the lawn is not a daily job. Cooking is an everyday job and I’m guessing you probably do all the housework form this sexist man?
OP you need to think long and hard about what you want here because if you have this man’s baby, life in going to get much much harder. You’ll have two babies to look after.

This is ridiculous. This man cannot possibly expect you to conjure up a traditional Christmas dinner in the manner of his family - you don't know how and don't have any recipes. Point this out. Say he cooks. If he doesn't want to cook then go to your parents and let him get on with whatever he wants.
Are you sure you want to be with this man? He sounds a right prick.

He doesn't have you over barrel. Did he cook this British Christmas dinner the past few years? I suspect not. He can cook the traditional meals from his home country. He is highly unreasonable to expect you to cook unfamiliar recipes. Why is he expecting you to do all the work?

I think you should just marry him and be his slave.

It's certainly an interesting first thread though, op! ;)

I'm going to be crucified for this, but it seems some women accept -or even actively participate in- being a "martyr" at the beginning (to show how much they care?). Then they get stuck in the role and can't get out anymore, particularly as very few men will actively take on "women's" tasks and are only too happy to be off the hook? Men just won't do anything they don't want to and don't apologise for it. The particularly sneaky ones will even use this as "well, she took it on, so she must have wanted to do it (forever and ever)/must have wanted me not to do it (ever)".

Firstly, I'd just say "you invited them, you will cook it".
Secondly, I don't understand this " can't find any English recipes." Like ..just Google it or ask your family if, as you say, you've been to your folks for Christmas recently??

Thirdly, leave the misogynist.

Well you you need to put some boundaries in place now. He is definitely treating you like a doormat. This will only get worse .
I would personally go stay with family for Christmas and tell him to cook for him and his friends.
And buy him a cook book for Christmas.

Christmas and cooking are the least of your issues here. It’s very concerning you aren’t seeing the massive red flags with his attitude and behaviour.

Don’t buy a house with this man. He invites people for Christmas without talking to you first then expects you to cater for them? He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and never will.

This.

Perhaps a compromise could be that he provides a couple of dishes from his country and you do some British food?

If you’re planning on an M&S dinner, why doesn’t he see whether he can order some of his traditional dishes? I bet he’ll find somewhere that caters if he does a bit of research. That way, neither of you will be stressed.

Why are you expected to cook?? Why can't your partner do it?

Not your job to cool all his traditional.foods or do all the work to host his family. Put your foot down now or you will become his doormat for life. I suspect he won't like it but do you want to spend forever being a slave?

The OP is 5 weeks pregnant, that horse has bolted.

Tell him to fuck off!

Why on earth are you with this man @KatieBenoiteee?

Do you have extremely low self-esteem?

Or does he have a solid gold vibrating cock?

I don't think he does have you "over a barrel". The situations are different, because presumably your parents hosted/cooked over previous Christmases. To match the situation this year, you and DP would be spending Christmas with his relatives doing the hosting/cooking.

Give it a couple of weeks then ring her up and cancel before she does it to you the day before Christmas

OP with your message that he told you not to bother cooking a traditional meal recently because it wouldn't taste the same I'm slightly worried he's deliberately setting you up to fail. I hope I'm wrong and it's more just a masculine pride/showing off thing which is still bad. But it sounds like he could deliberately be doing this to accuse you of ruining Christmas and messing everything up for his family, and shaming him. Many abusive men become more abusive when their partner becomes pregnant. Just be very wary. I would definitely though go to your family - just tell them you've got the baby on the way and can't afford presents, so don't buy you any. Or buy a £5 secret santa special for wveryone and tell them in advance so they can do the same. Family are family, I'm sure they'd rather have you than you not go because of money.

Op you’re sleepwalking into 40+ years of misery here. You might want to rethink your pregnancy

I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding

And this is still what you are going to do. Tell him!