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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
GreenGodiva · 03/11/2025 06:52

Jesus Christ, do not have a baby with this man. Hes telling you very loudly exactly who he is and what your role will be for the entirety of your relationship. And this rat doesn’t even sound like a relationship tbh. Who on earth dictates this way? He sounds AWFUL. In your shoes I’d be having an abortion and telling him it was a miscarriage and moving on from this potential disaster.

Simplelobsterhat · 03/11/2025 06:52

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

That argument would only work if he had hosted your family and done all the cooking for them, having only met them once before.

If not then how is it equivalent?

I do understand it must be hard for him to miss his home country and traditions, and it won't hurt you to feel a bit left out once every few years, as he must do the other years, but he can't expect you to do all the facilitating for that, especially not pregnant. And make sure it doesn't become every other year because cousin who meets you once in 3 years does not get same importance as parents.

Think about the gender roles in this relationship and lay down now what you will and won't accept before the baby is born.

SALaw · 03/11/2025 06:51

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He’s not remotely got you over a barrel. You have agency. You have choice. Why does he get to say he hates cooking but you don’t? Speak up!

MrsDoubtfire1 · 03/11/2025 06:46

Tell him, sorry I don't do Christmas lunch. You cook what you want for them yourself. Why is he expecting you to cook for them? There is a lovely two letter word in the English language which is.......NO!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 03/11/2025 06:44

Your problems are bigger than Christmas dinner.

i’d go back to your parents and then stay there.

He sounds awful and I can’t imagine he’s a joy to live with because of his sexist attitudes. You can do better.

Ilovehighlandcows · 03/11/2025 06:39

OP, please think about this relationship and having a baby with him.

If you stay with this man and have his baby, you're going to be very very unhappy.

Glindaa · 03/11/2025 06:37

He needs to make up the beds too. Really I think you should move the dinner & one night stopover to early December or NYE. You need a rest at Christmas.

Owly11 · 03/11/2025 06:36

Hang on - your op went from meeting your partner's cousin, partner and brother to your dh inviting them for christmas dinner?! There seems to be a huge glaring omission - where was the discussion in between those two events???? I am sorry but you need to put your foot down now otherwise you have a lifetime ahead of him making unilateral decisions. It's an absolute hard no. He doesn't get to make a unilateral decision. Is he from a culture where it's normal for the man to be in charge and the woman has to obey the husband? Because his behaviour indicates that this is how he sees things. You need to have this discussion as soon as possible and make it clear how you see things - which i am assuming is that the he and you make joint decisions.

BlueJuniper94 · 03/11/2025 06:31

OP I'm so sorry but he does not sound like a good man.

muddyford · 03/11/2025 06:30

He invited them. Let him sort it out.

JustMyView13 · 03/11/2025 06:29

Why on earth are you letting yourself be dictated to in this way? If he wants to host he can roll his sleeves up and cook. If not, he doesn’t host. You’re supposed to be his partner not maid / cook / general servant.

Perfect28 · 03/11/2025 06:26

Sorry why do you have to do all this? Because you have two xx genes? He invited them, he's welcome to do the work.

CrownCoats · 03/11/2025 06:25

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

How is the odd bit of DIY and mowing the lawn a few times a year equivalent to cooking every day?

You’re a doormat, OP.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 03/11/2025 06:22

Red flags all over.
OP please heed all the advice above.

pestowithwalnuts · 03/11/2025 06:20

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

Sounds like it's going to be awful for you OP
You cooking and waiting on the them while they sit drinking and chatting in their own language.
Are the recipes particularly difficult ?

givemesteel · 03/11/2025 06:16

He sounds awful. The cousins sound awful.

Just bow out and have a nice Christmas with your family and leave them to it. It's just one day. I wouldn't want to eat a curry on Christmas day and then sit there being excluded because they're too rude to speak in English.

Are you sure he's the right guy for you OP?

Lazygardener · 03/11/2025 06:15

How has he got you over a barrel? He’s been with you to your parents, but presumably he didn’t do any of the cooking there. He’s behaving like an entitled child.

TimeForATerf · 03/11/2025 06:12

I’m raging for you. DH once, only once, invited a couple to ours for the weekend who I didn’t know. I went absolutely nuts, no consideration for the work that I would have to do, plus getting to know these people, whilst he would no doubt have sat there being Mr Sociable. Fortunately, they cancelled. I think they heard me shouting.

tell him to fuck right off now, your life is about to become a door mat, please don’t excuse this as him being traditional. It’s 2025 and we’re in the UK.

HelloCheekyCat · 03/11/2025 06:09

This is on of those treads where the red flags are so obvious but unfortunately are being ignored.
Give it 5 years and the OP will be doing everything in the home and for/with any DC wondering how she got there

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 03/11/2025 06:05

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2025 20:15

I think you might have made a mistake with this man.

This. He’s expecting OP?? What a twat.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 03/11/2025 05:57

pusspuss9 · 02/11/2025 21:17

Why would it be on the OP to find out about and cook his national cuisine (festive Christmas fare to boot!), when he doesn't and won't cook?

I'm surprised after several years together that she has shown no interest in trying to cook something from his culture. This is an absolute basic.
I agree she should not have to cook the whole thing herself, but I wonder who has been doing to cooking in their marriage so far?
we cook dishes from all over the the world in our house, without having a heart attack about trying something new.

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Trying something new in the kitchen is irrelevant, she's been tasked with cooking a full foreign Christmas spread for people she didn't even invite. There should be some kind of logic or reading comprehension requirement to post, honestly

FailMeOnce · 03/11/2025 05:54

WaryHiker · 03/11/2025 04:48

Possibly not, but sometimes it's better for an OP to hear the truth rather than have people keep tiptoeing around her and suggesting her parents come and do her misogynist husband's cooking for him etc.

If it were just the OP involved, I might have expressed myself more tactfully. But she is proposing to bring a child into this shitshow, and that is extremely unfair. Either she stays with this man and the child is raised by a bullying misogynist, or she sees sense and leaves him and the child starts their life without a father.

Either way, she is deliberately inflicting an adverse life event on her unborn child because she is still trying to tiptoe around this man. Compromising with a curry, for goodness' sake!

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Sorry, but I tend to agree with this.

I also think it's interesting that he dropped this on you this year, just after you've fallen pregnant.

I wonder if he now thinks you are trapped and his behaviour towards you is already in decline or if he had always been a misogynist areshole and you've either not seen it or been prepared to accept it.

Sorry to be blunt, OP, but to older ears this doesn't sound like it's heading anywhere good for you and any children.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/11/2025 05:52

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

It's bollocks isn't it..

Most people have 3 meals (of some sort) daily... So that's over a 1000 thinking /buying and prep...

So does he repair the same socket a 1000 times a year... Or mow the lawn a 1000 times..
And also a lot of DIY jobs (apart from emergencies), he can choose when to do.... So he has freedom..

Many of those 1000 meals are fixed to general times a day... You can't say... I'll take a week off and do all the cooking /prep for a year... And then it would be finished... Like if you were decorating a lounge for example.... Cooking is hugely labour intensive... Even if you're doing reheats/pre prepped... You still jave to think about it, buy it and prepare it...!!

One thing {mention:KatieBenoiteee}i@KatieBenoiteeei really really wish I knew as a young woman in my first live in relationship... Instead of focusing on the task... They all have different time commitments /disruption to hour day /financial cost...

Is to

FOCUS ON THE AMOUNT IF TIME EACH OF YOU HAVE FREE WEEKLY...
So how many hours... Outside paid work..

This is HUGELY telling...

Free time as in, I can meet pals for coffee/go running /read a book/go to Flicks to see my choice of film. Time that is not focused in domestic issues.

My guess is he has a huge amount of free time weekly compared to you.

WaltzingWaters · 03/11/2025 05:40

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2025 20:15

I think you might have made a mistake with this man.

First post has it.

He wants to invite people = HE can bloody well cook. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it, neither do you. Don’t do if.

chaosmaker · 03/11/2025 05:31

harveythehorse · 03/11/2025 01:07

Possibly, but who says OP can't be a loving, successful single parent?

The fact you use the term 'bangmaid' tells me everything I need to know (I had to google). Do you not see how deeply misogynistic that is?

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But a child will always tie you to the other person involved. Forever. It is preventable though, especially given how he is currently treating her.