Husband has been gambling behind my back

Thinking of you OP, how are things?

@Wouldratherbeinitaly

How are you going?

This all this.

Why are you sorting out his mess?! He needs to work out how to repay it.

How can you “save things” with a man who has blown £90k on gambling and hasn’t even apologised? You would have to be a saint to put up with this duplicitous moron.

He has severe ADHD. I think you need to separate before you have a lifetime of this.

Be careful that it isn't two against one, with DH and his mum on his side and you fighting your corner alone. I think they will try and use some massive guilt trips to bring you into line with threats relating to his mental health and what he might end up doing if you aren't kind and understanding.

Good luck!

It’s good to hear you’re being proactive about solicitors and mortgage advisors. You don’t need to make any decisions about the future of your marriage yet, you just need to make sure that you are protected financially regardless of what happens between you and him. I know it must be feeling overwhelming right now, but in years to come I think you will look back and be proud of how well you handed this situation. You’re doing brilliantly!

Absolutely better to have all the options so you can make an informed decision. You're doing very well dealing with the practicalities so far, especially considering the emotional toll this is taking on you. I'm not surprised you are exhausted, your life has been turned completely upside down and the future you thought you had has vanished, whether you stay or go it will not be what you anticipated it to be now.
Be kind to yourself, take your time, and make your choices for you, no one else.

Like any addict, gamblers lie and their only interest is themselves and their next bet. Hopefully, the £90K is the whole extent of the debt, but don't be at all surprised if it's even more. UK based betting sites stopped the use of credit cards in 2020. If your husband has been using credit cards, then he's been using a VPN, so it looks like he's placing bets from another country/and or using foreign betting sites. You don't accidentally use a VPN, it's a deliberate choice. You don't need to make decisions until you've seen a solicitor, but you need to separate your finances asap.

Been thinking about you op, how are you doing? Are your parents back today?

Op I have been in your shoes but my dh never confessed. He was found out by me. He has relapsed three times now but I He joined GA and has been OK touch wood for years now. GA was the biggest help and he goes every week. I think now he has ADHD and or sone other things going on. Unfortunately we have 4 kids so walking wasn't a easy option open to me. So I know its harder than just LTB but as you don't have kids I'd honestly LTB.

If you don't you will or never should trust him again. I have all dh wages paid to me. I pay him bare minimum for his bills. I have to do everything re money now. I have to see his credit rating each month.

This will be my future forever. Think hard about that.

My friends husband did this, blew through nearly 50k in secret.
Did the self exclusion on Gam Stop, handed over control to her. After a few years of struggling to pay everything off, finally thought she and they were recovering and trusting him again.
It was 5 years he had self excluded for, couple of weeks after it expired he phoned them and got it lifted, within a couple of months he went through 5k. She had taken her eye off of it and thought it was all behind them. In reality as soon as he could get access he went straight back.

Turned out he had never really quit. Was now doing things like taking £50 in cash to fill up the car but only putting in £30 and walking into a bookies with the £20 he skimmed off the top and playing the online slots in cash.

Buying s jumper or something needed for the car in cash - showing the receipt to her and then returning it a couple of days later.

I wouldn't stay if i were you op.

Edit to say you can self exclude for 6 months, a year, or 5, and it will carry on past that time if you do nothing, but after that period you can phone and get it lifted - so i would be very wary

Gambling is a horrible addiction.
It is an illness that people can recover from and this may be the shock he needs to do that.

however, the lack of apology and trying to blame your reaction as to why he hasn’t told you tells me he is still in denial about the same his gambling has done, and if he’s still in denial then he isn’t ready to recover and this won’t be the end until he is.

Do you think he still expects you to stay OP? xx

I hope today helps you start to see a way forward. Him saying he thinks you’re done could be a good thing as then it’s him that’s said it not you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Not something that’s likely to be a priority for you right now, but you can do IVF alone with a donor. A friend of mine did it. She’s an amazing mum.

Think about the times he put resources (money) into a terrible decision on the tiniest, non-existent chance he'd win big.

Don't do the same thing yourself by choosing to stay and inflict this awful selfish man and a constantly frugal life in yourself - you'd be gambling your own future and the odds of success are almost nil.

You have a right to your own future. You didn't choose any of this - whereas he made hundreds of choices, over and over, to get to this point.

I have some experience of this.

It will stop and then there will be relapses so you have a long road ahead. You will forever be vigilant which is exhausting. You’ll also always be the safety net as there are no real consequences whilst you’re there. Aside from him fessing up - what impact has this had on him?

Its £90k debt but total amount gambled will be multiple times higher than that as they do win occasionally which feeds the cycle.

This will have been a full-time job for him. If you’re honest you know he has been distant as all his time and energy was spent doing this.

It’s also likely he was moody.

He will deflect ‘this is what you always do and I couldn’t tell you or stop for X reason’. If only X didn’t happen or you were Y I wouldn’t have done it.’ Classic deflection. Much easier to project onto someone else than admit you are a gambling addict.

I would suggest he also has other addictive tendencies and you need to be aware he doesn’t swap one for the other.

I’ve also seen it they go cold turkey and stop by blocking accounts but don’t seek professional
help. Again that is avoidance tactic and not facing very uncomfortable truths. Guess what happens then - relapse.

So it’s crap OP but if I were you I’d leave. You’re not too old for anything.

Don’t get stuck in sunk cost fallacy with this one.

stay strong and focused op. His mother doesn’t want him back she knows exactly what her son is like and will downplay the situation in the hope that her life isn’t affected. Take legal advice asap. Don’t let his failures take you down with him. It’s sad but you can’t fix people. He needs to do that himself.

Please see a lawyer asap.

Maybe his mum is in denial, or has been told an edited version of the truth, ‘it’s okay mum, it’s not too bad, we’ll sort it out’ etc, and doesn’t realise the full gravity of the situation. Not excusing her, but Dh has proved himself a lier, and is probably spinning her along.

I agree that the broken trust and web of lies is as much a destroyer of the marriage, as the gambling per se.

You’re doing wonderfully, and stay strong. Can’t be easy.

To think he let you pay for IVF whilst doing this makes me so angry.