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Original poster

Husband dealing (or not dealing) with his parents finances

41 replies

Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 12:59

Father in law died over a year ago, mother in law went into nursing home with dementia shortly before that. They have 2 rental properties. Husband has still not completed his father’s tax return, nor his mother’s, which he’ll need to do every year. His parents didn’t keep good records, so I sympathise that this is tricky and messy, and I have offered to help with it. Husband is not best at admin. Every time I ask about progress I get a defensive attitude. There were problems getting access to his parents accounts, issues over the tax return portal needing to be reopened. There is always something. Any time he does tackle this a dark cloud descends over him and by extension our family. His annoyance and frustration leak out everywhere. I’m losing patience. The task is looming and it’s affecting our family. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to ask about this.

His mum has some savings, and the rent from the 2 properties covers some of her care home costs, but not sure for how long. Husband and his sister are not great at keeping on top of finances and tend to be reactive rather than proactive. I worry at some point that a care home bill won’t be able to be paid because they’ve not kept track. I’ve shared my concerns about this and tried to explain that it’s affecting me and our family. Husband says it’s not my concern as it’s about ‘his’ family and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it as I ‘don’t like his family’. I found them difficult, especially his dad. Husband found/finds them difficult too.

Context: his parents tried to pressure us into buying one of their rental properties from them so that they could buy a flat for husband’s sister when she separated from her husband. They tried to propose this as a great financial investment for us, with no regard or understanding of our financial situation, with a large mortgage on a house that desperately needed work, and young son. Thankfully my husband got advice from his financial advisor which was that it was not a sound investment. I had said the same, but feel like my views are less trusted than his parents. His parents have no pensions and lost lots of money investing in properties in Spain just before the crash happened. There seemed to be a pattern of making some very poor financial decisions.

It’s putting a massive strain on us. I don’t feel heard. He thinks I’m unreasonable and don’t trust him. I don’t trust him - after so many times of him saying he’s on it, and then seeing no work or focus on the tax returns until I bring it up again, then I’m not sure how I could be feeling trust. I think asking me to trust it will be done a bit unreasonable. A bit gas-lighty. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 13:37

Lastknownaddress · 02/11/2025 13:18

I actually get it OP. It is really depressing sorting out parents finances when they are in a mess. Does DH have PoA in place? If so then get a professional help and pay for it out of the parents estates. It is their problem for making it more difficult. Otherwise it is a mountain to climb.

Yes him and his sister have power of attorney. I will suggest seeking professional help to manage this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 13:35

catofglory · 02/11/2025 13:16

I had to deal with my mother's finances in a similar situation (she went into a care home, I had LPA). There were no properties involved, just a lot of savings, but things were complicated by the fact she'd ignored letters from HMRC due to her dementia (I only found the letters when we cleared her flat).

I did not attempt to sort it out myself as there was too much room for me to get things wrong, I gave all the paperwork to an accountant and he dealt with it very efficiently. As the accountant was working for my mother, his bill was paid out of her funds.

This sounds sensible. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 13:33

thepariscrimefiles · 02/11/2025 13:08

Can your DH afford to employ an accountant to deal with his mum's rental properties and tax liability?

Where did your MIL and FIL live prior to your FIL's death and your MIL's transfer to a care home? Did they live in a house that is now empty so can now be sold to pay her care home fees?

I will suggest this again. Was suggested by my parents.

parents in law lived in a house in a retirement complex. Just heard yesterday that they have sold the property. Was on the market for a year. Price was too high. Others on same complex were listed for less and not selling. Was told yesterday that they only just realised this two months ago. There was a mortgage on this property and monthly management fees. They couldn’t rent it out as it is a retirement property with rules against renting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 13:28

Createausername1970 · 02/11/2025 13:20

Use an accountant and his fees come out of the rental income.

It shouldn't be costing your DH in time or money.

Thank you. This is a good idea. Was suggested my my parents too. Would certainly take the pressure off.

OP posts:
BorgQueen · 02/11/2025 13:27

Just tell him that if he ignores it and it all comes back to bite him, you will not be listening to his whining, he either accepts your help or keeps his gob shut. Then you switch off, not your circus, not your monkeys, as long as it doesn’t harm your family financially, that is.

Original poster
Gl1ttrCr0n3 · 02/11/2025 13:27

olderbutwiser · 02/11/2025 13:11

His lack of dealing with the issue, and his mood when he does try to deal with it, impacts OP and his DC. That's the issue.

OP, you have my sympathy.

However, PP is right - the finances are not your business. What are you concerned about happening if they mess it up? Presumably it will cost your poor MIL tax fines etc if they do but not you?

Can you just step away, not mention it at all, leave them to it?

about a year ago his mum moved from one care home to another and they weren’t sure if his parents could afford it and husband mentioned that he might have to help with covering costs. To be fair to him I don’t think he was thinking straight or aware that once his mum’s funds were low then the local council funds care home costs.

However, the conversation around that threw light on how he sees his finances as his, not ours. It makes me nervous.

OP posts:
Ihateslugs · 02/11/2025 13:26

My BIL was struggling a little with completing tax returns associated with inheriting his parents house and renting it out, complicated by his fluctuating income. My sister tried to help but they were getting really confused so they decided to go to a tax accountant for advice. For a reasonable amount of money, around £250 a couple of years ago, he helped them complete the first tax return and set up procedures for keeping the ongoing records needed. This seemed a fair amount to pay as a one off, my sister now sorts things out and when we rented out our mums house after she went into a care home, she was able to look after the tax forms for that as well.

Might be worth considering?

lazyarse123 · 02/11/2025 13:25

Make sure to tell him that any fines from hmrc won't be coming out of your family finances and then leave him to it. If he gets arsey with you tell him he can either accept your help or stfu as it's impacting you and your children.

FuzzyWolf · 02/11/2025 13:22

olderbutwiser · 02/11/2025 13:11

His lack of dealing with the issue, and his mood when he does try to deal with it, impacts OP and his DC. That's the issue.

OP, you have my sympathy.

However, PP is right - the finances are not your business. What are you concerned about happening if they mess it up? Presumably it will cost your poor MIL tax fines etc if they do but not you?

Can you just step away, not mention it at all, leave them to it?

But from the OP it impacts them when the OP gets involved. Every single statement below is from the OP and if they backed off maybe their DH would be happier and it wouldn’t impact the OP.

  • Every time I ask about progress I get a defensive attitude.
  • I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to ask about this.
  • I worry at some point that a care home bill won’t be able to be paid because they’ve not kept track. I’ve shared my concerns about this and tried to explain that it’s affecting me and our family.
  • Husband says it’s not my concern as it’s about ‘his’ family and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it
  • I don’t feel heard.
  • I don’t trust him

The DH has said to back off and the OP is refusing to respect or listen to their boundaries, keeps pushing and now wonders why those bullying tactics aren’t getting their required result. To complain of being gaslit at the end of it is ridiculous.

Createausername1970 · 02/11/2025 13:20

Use an accountant and his fees come out of the rental income.

It shouldn't be costing your DH in time or money.

Lastknownaddress · 02/11/2025 13:18

I actually get it OP. It is really depressing sorting out parents finances when they are in a mess. Does DH have PoA in place? If so then get a professional help and pay for it out of the parents estates. It is their problem for making it more difficult. Otherwise it is a mountain to climb.

catofglory · 02/11/2025 13:16

I had to deal with my mother's finances in a similar situation (she went into a care home, I had LPA). There were no properties involved, just a lot of savings, but things were complicated by the fact she'd ignored letters from HMRC due to her dementia (I only found the letters when we cleared her flat).

I did not attempt to sort it out myself as there was too much room for me to get things wrong, I gave all the paperwork to an accountant and he dealt with it very efficiently. As the accountant was working for my mother, his bill was paid out of her funds.

No5ChalksRoad · 02/11/2025 13:15

Is there any financial liability for you both if things aren’t sorted?

If not, just step away. It’s between him and his sister. Let them wallow. But tell him his nasty moods and atmosphere are not welcome in your home.

olderbutwiser · 02/11/2025 13:11

His lack of dealing with the issue, and his mood when he does try to deal with it, impacts OP and his DC. That's the issue.

OP, you have my sympathy.

However, PP is right - the finances are not your business. What are you concerned about happening if they mess it up? Presumably it will cost your poor MIL tax fines etc if they do but not you?

Can you just step away, not mention it at all, leave them to it?

thepariscrimefiles · 02/11/2025 13:08

Can your DH afford to employ an accountant to deal with his mum's rental properties and tax liability?

Where did your MIL and FIL live prior to your FIL's death and your MIL's transfer to a care home? Did they live in a house that is now empty so can now be sold to pay her care home fees?

FuzzyWolf · 02/11/2025 13:01

Surely this is his issue to deal with and not for you to get involved in.