Family doesn't know how to have conversations

Well that must means I have four family members trying to grey rock me and each other simultaneously 😆

Imagine trying to grey rock these people though. They'd think you were a scintillating conversationalist with your bin chat, and be entirely oblivious to your intentions.

I strongly incline towards the not taking an interest explanation @lovesT All we can do is try not be like them towards our own kids.

It’s a shame but not uncommon.
My brothers wife is like this, no conversation or questions just inevitably veers into long ranting complaints about my parents. It’s exhausting. We visit them less, or see my brother & the kids. She genuinely doesn’t seem to give a toss about us.

I agree with a few other posters, you don’t necessarily have to get on famously with Family. You’re much more likely to find friends who you prefer.

Just know that you are not alone, few people really enjoy wonderful in-depth intellectually stimulating conversations with family.

I talk to a lot of people in my job and IMO many people are shit at conversation. It's not something we're necessarily taught, so depending on your upbringing and how your mind functions you might never pick up the basics of listening and turn-taking. My father is entirely incapable of conversation. My mother is slightly better but still pretty rubbish at it. My in-laws are fairly poor too. I'm quite good at conversation but I've had to consciously learn it, partly for my job. I've had to teach DH how to be better at it and I'm actively teaching my children (although DD is pretty natural at it. DS is another story).

Engaging with poor conversationalists is frustrating but there's not much you can really do beyond trying to teach them - most adults aren't open to that.

YANBU at all. My DM is the same, I find it exhausting really. Before my Dad died a few years ago, her world was very narrow and she had very limited things she wanted to talk about. Now he's not here, her world is even smaller and she just seems disinterested in anything that doesn't involve the grandchildren. It feels more pronounced as Dad did actually ask me questions and took an interest in other people. Mum never really has but its got so much worse over time - like @RandomNewIdentity said conversation is an art and sharpened with practice. Since living alone, her (not great) conversational skills have just dropped off a cliff.

It makes me sad as I make an effort to ask how she is, what she's up to and find out what she's doing. She never asks anything about me in return and when I try to tell her things, she's clearly not listening and doesn't respond to anything I say. Tbh, she knows so little about who I am and what I'm doing, I don't even think she knows what my job is! She honestly has zero interest in anything about me :(

I keep in touch as she's my Mum and I love her, but it it's honestly hard work a lot of the time. However, reading your post and what other posters have said makes me feel better that I'm not the only one! Come to think of it, since PPs also mentioned it, I do wonder if my DM does have some ND traits... It would make a lot of sense in many other ways too!

It's very self centred to blather on about yourself and ask nothing back. I've given up on people like this lately, I know a few. One of them is a sibling. It went on for years before I threw in the towel however.

We have relatives who make the effort to visit but then sit and say nothing. Conversation has to be prompted the entire time, it's hard work.

I'm not sure this happens by accident. I have family members that I try to grey rock. I don't ask them any questions because quite frankly I don't want to know the answers. Neither do I tell them anything of interest about myself. If I have to chat to them, I very deliberately talk about the state of the garden, the neighbours operations or the bin schedule.

Tell them.

I grew up in a small insular family. As a young adult (a long time ago 😅) I genuinely thought it was rude that people outside the family were so intrusive, asking questions about what I was planning to do at the weekend and what I had done last night. I wouldn’t have dreamt of being so rude as to ask that kind of thing myself!

Fortunately a good friend explained how weird I was being. But if she hadn’t told me, I don’t think I would have realised.

My oldest friend doesn’t ask questions and I’ve just given up tbh. She can get in touch with me if she wants but I’ve stopped doing it all. Really hard to resist checking in with her though as I do actually care what’s going on and hope she’s well but clearly she doesn’t about me so I’m trying to resist!

According to some Mumsnetters, asking how people are and asking questions is intrusive and ‘being hard work’. Maybe your family feel like that.

I’d love someone to ask how things are with me though tbh 🤣

My mother was always like this. She couldn't tell you what my degree was in. I used to watch her eyes glaze over if I tried to talk to her about something slightly interesting. She was incapable of talking about anything other than herself. I too now realise she was autistic, because there's a lot of(diagnosed) in my family. But I never put 2 and 2 together before.

My mother only asks me questions the day before she meets her sisters. That's once a year.

She doesn't ask because she cares, she asks because she knows she'll be asked about me by her sisters. She likes to pretend she is a caring mother 😂

My PILs are like this. I’m fairly sure MIL is autistic, her behaviour raises many a flag for female ASD (of course DS1 couldn’t possibly have ASD/ADHD because it doesn’t exist 🙄).

I find with older people who don't get out much they don't have any new conversation material and fill the void with going on about something totally insignificant that must be the most exciting thing to have happened in their lives in the last few years.

My in laws neighbours son 'came out the wardrobe' according to FIL and that's all he talked about for well over a year until the neighbour across the street got their hip replacement and then it was all about Bob's recovery. FIL was a lovely man but incredibly boring in later life.

How old are your children? I found with my children that once they got past about 9 or 10 and the "playing toys/games with" age, that the relationship with my parents faltered as mine with them had similarly done, because my parents had no interested in talking to them or finding out about them. So you then have the situation where you are torn between duty visits that no one enjoys, or not bothering at all.

I'm hoping you may now say that your children are teenagers because it will mean your situation is different :)

It hasn't happened to me but I would suggest just keep the links going but make the trips either shorter or less frequent. I doubt your family members will change and there is nothing you can do to remedy this really.

I think either extreme is hard - we just want middle ground don't we. I am still waiting for my mum to ask me if I had a good holiday from six months ago. She won't but it's fascinating to observe how people interact or don't. My daughter is still waiting for an Easter egg that was promised about four years ago.
Mine does interrogate though as well, not me as I am not worthy of it but sometimes my daughter, it's not a conversation though, it's like mining for information. Odd.

I agree with this.

I've got inlaws who've never grasped social conversation and my elderly dad is increasingly like this too.

Fortunately both lots have National Trust memberships. Always something to talk about at a NT property, even if it's just why they are surprised every single day by peak coffee demand!

Yes!! My mother does this too.

Just an endless, uncomfortably intense interrogation about what time I’m doing things and where I’m going, and ‘how was it?’ when I come back from any tiny errand (there’s only so much I can think of to say about my experience of putting petrol in the car, mum) and what I’ve eaten and what I plan to eat and what everyone in my family has eaten and when they ate it and whether they enjoyed it.

I also suspect ND - it feels like someone taught her at a young age that the way to make polite conversation is to ask questions, and she took that incredibly literally and never learned any further skills.

Unfortunately it also means that she attracts people who LOVE to talk endlessly about themselves, so most of her friends are self-obsessed egomaniacs who exploit her capacity to listen (without realising she’s not actually listening - she just kind of goes into sleep mode until she can ask the next question).