To not want my mother in law to stay every month

So many questions!

Who goes food shopping?
Who cooks?
Who cleans the house for her arrival?
Who books the restaurant?
Who pays the bill?
Don't you have family you can visit when mil comes?
Why doesn't he visit her on his own?
Why don't you make other plans for yourself?

I think I'd just do regular food and no expensive treats. I'd say, "We're not eating out for a few months now as we were shocked to realise how much we were spending." If she wants to treat you to a meal or treats, that's fine.

Do you have children OP? I can’t tell from the thread if you do.
If you don’t have children then it is far easier to make yourself unavailable for these visits - leave them to your DH. Also talk to your DH and tell him he needs to start visiting her.

I could not stand these visits, work full time and manage children every month. Either way it isn’t sustainable.

I'd find it too much!! Would probably start to dread it!! 😂
Agree with suggestions that you go out/away with friends and leave DH to it.
You shouldn't be constantly picking up the tab for her visits either!

I'd start making solo plans for when she's due over. Your dh obviously likes having his mum to stay and is happy to accomodate her. That's up to him and their relationship is theirs to manage.
There's nothing saying you have to be there throughout her visit or shop for and cook her favourite foods. You can let dh see to that while you spend time with a friend, pursuing a hobby, tick something off your to-do list, whatever.

Personally, I'd take the opportunity for me-time and return to the house for the dinner that dh has prepared, in a better and more tolerant frame of mind. Being forced to spend time in someone else's company is draining so take some time out and leave them to it.

Your dh won't mind...will he?

I have no advice really, there is not the tiniest chance I'd have allowed this to happen. By the second visit, I'd have been done with that shit and told my husband I was done with that shit.

I just don't understand half the people on mumsnet.

Why does she stay over if she only lives an hour away?

I live about 90 - 120 minutes away from my DC door to door. I still travel on the train to visit them and return home. I am in my sixties and have mobility issues.

Yes to DH visiting her every other month. But also, could you arrange to meet her somewhere halfway for lunch? Or she visits you but doesn’t stay over?

It’s pretty weird tbh

I think pp’s suggestion of alternating months , and possibly phasing out your joining them at hers, is a good one.
No matter how lovely a mother she has been - and remember , that was her job- you don’t need to be tying up long weekends, doing things you’d rather not do.

Does your DH ever take her out, or away, just the two of them? Maybe it’s time he did.

Sounds like you and your husband need to have a conversation about budget management, where this is one component.

I wouldn’t be tolerating this. It’s too much. Suggest you alternate visits, and he goes alone to stay with her.

Take the opportunity to have a weekend away with your friends every now and then and leave them to it.

So what if she was an amazing mother?

Doesn't mean she needs repaying for it

Suggest he visits her

I'm sure there's some jobs she'd like him to do

I think it depends on how much of the work lands on you. If you were happy with the arrangement, no problem but if you have to do the extra shopping, cooking, laundering, hosting etc and you don’t particularly enjoy the arrangement then I can see how it would annoy you. Hopefully DH does most of it.

Sockdays

Why are you tolerating this?
Tell your husband go and visit her, much cheaper.
She is using you as a free weekend.
One hour away?
Not normal.
Put your foot down.
If he pushes back, rethink your marriage because you have made a mistake.
Do not have children with such a man.

First post wins angriest poster- putting the foot down doesn’t do anything except for cause problems in a marriage but you do need to talk to him and figure it out, it is too much!!

Have you got children, OP?
I’m in a fairly similar situation. However, I live in a different country to my parents. They never put their hands in their pockets when they come here, but the same is for us when we go there.
They also arrive with bags full of clothes and gifts for the children so they’re very generous.

Every other month, he goes to visit her with he children. She's staying far too long as well. 1 or 2 overnight stay is enough. I don't like any guests staying in my house for more than 2 nights, even if I like them.

This will only get worse if you do not agree on reasonable boundaries with your DH. It is also not great that you seem to be so nervous about talking to him about it.

I would definitely want DH to understand that while it is a truly lovely thing to be close to his mum and to appreciate all she has done for him, the primary relationship (between you, him and any kids) needs to take priority (and importantly, he needs to know that you feel secure in this). That is not to say that your MIL should not visit your home or that you should not be kind and caring towards her, since it is also your DH's home, but that it needs to happen in a way that keeps within agreed boundaries.

How long has this been going on?

She’s nice to me and is a nice lady but she grates on me

You don’t really think she’s ‘nice’ though, do you?

If you’re unhappy with this arrangement, then you discuss it with your DH. But be prepared for him to be annoyed with you, if he is so close to his mother.

This was my DM only it wasn't every month. She would only eat certain things that we wouldn't usually eat. She expected to eat out and be treated. And she never helped or spent time with my DS.

But I knew she would be like this because she always expected the best of everything on someone's else dime and I wanted to try and give her and my DS a relationship.

You will have to tell your DH that this cannot go on.

Could you break the routine a bit by YOU going away when she's coming? Go and stay with a friend or just have some time by yourself. When your DH has to do all the work and the paying he might see more clearly when you raise the subject of her coming a bit less frequently.

Difficult OP
I don't understand why she doesn't pay for anything?
Unless you are financially comfortable?
She has been a good mum to your husband and maybe he sees this as a way of acknowledgement

You’re perfectly within your right so say that you love your MIL and enjoy seeing her but feel that once a month for the entire weekend is a bit much. Especially given the financial strain and focus. Maybe if she visit for the day, or one overnight or every fortnight, but a long weekend every four weeks is too much.