Friend keeps dragging up the past

Its because she has nothing else in common with you? Like school friends who talk about playground stuff well into their 80s

when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’.

You should have thought about what you were saying 30 years ago, and you didn't, so it's fine for her to bang on about it every time you see her?!

She really isn't a very good friend or a nice person!

I agree to bring it up first “Hey friend, you’re ready for your second glass of wine, you’ll want to start bringing up the time I was completely in the wrong. Shall we do that now to get it out of the way?” or

“Well [friend] you’ll be pleased to know that I won the bet. [DH] said you’ve wanged on about for 30 years and won’t mention it any more, but I said you enjoy making me feel hurt and embarrassed too much to stop. And here we are.”

To be honest, if she starts on the “shouldn’t have said it then” I would go for the jugular.

You need to tell her that if she raises it again, you will tell her to leave.

Stand up and sing "Let it go... let it goooooooo" 🎶

"This is getting really boring now. Why are you so fixated on something that hsppened decades ago?".

If she ignores your requests not to bring it up then let the friendship drop. Both of you have told her and still she carries on. It is wholly disrespectful. You do not need this in your life.

If she asks why you seem to be so unavailable then tell her. Say you have asked her not to keep bringing it up but she has ignored your requests, so it is easier for you not to have to put up with this......

Do you have any embarrassing stories about her?

“I know , so embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as that one time you …..”.

I’m a petty, childish twat though.

You need to be more blunt.

‘I’ve told you I don’t like you bringing this past incident up. Why do you keep choosing to make me uncomfortable?’

if she says something stupid like ‘well you shouldn’t have said it then’ you’ll have to stop the friendship. Either tell her it’s because she’s repeatedly choosing to make you uncomfortable or just phase her out. I would tell her though. You feel uncomfortable in her presence because she chooses to bring up things from long ago that are sorted, knowing how uncomfortable they make you feel. So, you feel she isn’t a good friend and you can no longer see her.

she is doing it on purpose. Maybe she’s jealous of your and DH relationship and wants the 2 of you to argue again.

can you tell her to shut up and that the topic has been done to death and it was nothing to do with her in the first place? sounds like she needs you to be very blunt about it. tell her that you are on the verge of not wanting to meet her over it being dragged up again. may make her reconsider?

I would tell her via FaceTime or by a separate serious message or whatever when you are arranging the next meet up specifically that:
“I know xyz happened in the past but I would be grateful if you’d not being it up when we meet as it’s really upsetting for me and makes me really sad. So can we please leave it in the past forever now where it belongs and not discuss ever again”.

If she ignores this request and still brings it up I’d do what a previous poster suggested and maje her feel uncomfy by twisting it round.

If she still brings it up the next time you meet I’d start the convo by saying:
“great to see you again so let’s just get this out of the way so we can enjoy the night as I hate you bringing it up, yes i did xyz years ago so can we move on yes so how are you, youre looking great…”. If she takes the hump sod her.

"ANYWAY, Sandra, has anything at all interesting happened in your life over the past 30 years - because it most definitely has in mine since THREE DECADES AGO!!"

When you plan your next face to face tell her you don't want to meet if she's going to bring it up. That you've asked her not to in the past and you're fed up with your wishes being ignored. Then, if she does, walk away. On the night and forever. She's no friend.

Depending on how much you value the friendship otherwise, it might be worth one final conversation.

"Friend, I've asked you several times to stop mentioning this piece of ancient history. Despite that, you keep bringing it up. I like you, but if you're not able to respect my wishes in this matter, then I'm afraid that I'm going to choose not to spend time with you in future. It's up to you."

I agree.

You've been polite and told her it makes you uncomfortable and she still does it.

Now it's time to be firmer. Ask her flat out why she keeps doing it tell her that the fact she doesnt seem to care about your feelings is starting to make you not want to spend time with her. Dont cushion it, dont apologise for it, dont be hesitant about it. Tell her that you are PISSED OFF about this and there will be consequences.

It's not being mean to her, you have already brought it up kindly and she's ignored it.

People can fixate on certain things once they’ve had a drink, it’s so tedious

Yup- I also agree with this. Alcohol often makes people tedious repetitive bores

Do you always ask her not to at the actual time that’s she doing it? If so, change that. Bring it up at a completely different time, in a message perhaps. Then she doesn’t have to defend herself on the spot but has to think about it at a separate time.

People can fixate on certain things once they’ve had a drink, it’s so tedious.

Friend over the years DH and I have asked you on more than one occasion not to mention that incident. I have told you how it makes me feel when you bring it up. You continue to do so. Why is that?

Have you been too polite when asking her not to keep bringing it up? I can just imagine myself in this scenario, feeling awkward about seeming to criticise her and therefore addressing the issue very very lightly or even laughingly.

If there is a possibility that you have been too polite, then I think you have to steel yourself to bring the issue up with her and tell her quite frankly Don't do this. It is unfair and it is stopping me and DH from enjoying your company.

Is there anything she wouldn’t want YOU to bring up about HER? If there is, you should counter her every time and start talking over her. If she says something like “why are you bringing that up?” tell her you’re just doing exactly what she does and it’s a bit shit, isn’t it?

She has no regard for your feelings then, not much of a friend. I would cool the friendship

Does she have a thing for your DH? Trying to make you look bad every time you see her, and reminding him of a time you behaved badly? Or just a weird power game to make you look generally bad. It is a weird thing to do for so long. She doesn’t sound very nice.

The problem here is that the OP has stated how it makes her feel and the friend insists on ploughing on regardless. We have a family member like this who always responds with ' I'm just saying it like it is'. So we've not bothered with her anymore. Bliss.

It seems like some sort of power play and as it hasn't stopped then I'd not meet up again.