Friend keeps dragging up the past

Holy shit - about twice a year for 30 years.

That's 60 times.

She's probably spent at least 20 times longer talking about it than it actually took to happen. And it didn't even happen to her.

ah Ok .. one option is if you see her again ask her

”are you asking cos you’re lonely without many friends?”

Ask her in person and watch her face for a reaction

it was clearly such a seminal event in your life.

I love your whole post, but this bit really stood out to underline the utter absurdity of it all. It was one of the defining moments of her life; yet it didn't actually happen to her or affect her in any way.

It's a bit like dressing every day in full mourning gear and making your whole existence about your grief for decades after the cousin of a colleague of an acquaintance of your postman's grandma's hairdresser's ex-neighbour's MoT garage owner died aged 103!

When she says it, hand over £20 to your DH and say you win, it was within the first hour etc! Shame her if she is trying to shame you.

When she says it, hand over £20 to your DH and say you win, it was within the first hour etc! Shame her if she is trying to shame you.

The fact that she keeps repeating the same story is annoying enough!

Realise that she sees this as a hold she has over you.

A thing she can use that makes you both uncomfortable - and that she enjoys prodding that pain.

Now decide - is she worth it? Is giving her the gift of your time and presence worth it? Really?

If not, your lives will be better off not having her in it.

If yes, you need to deal with her. Stamp on it. No eggshells, no anxiety.

Before you see her next, write to her.

Saying something like 'Looking forward to seeing you, with one proviso.

We've both noticed you've developed a habit of raking over a very old incident and bringing it up in conversation (usually after a drink?).

This causes us both distress.

We're sure you don't mean to do this - but unfortunately, that's the result of what you choose to do.

And the last few times you've done this have caused what should have been a fun and happy evening to become uncomfortable and upsetting to us both.

This needs to stop.

So next time we meet, let's consider that in the past, and the door closed.'

And if she does it again despite that? Get up and leave. She will have made her attitude to you both absolutely clear and made a conscious decision not to improve.

I would never be able to stay friends with someone who does this. It reeks of jealousy and feelings of spite towards you. I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who doesn’t understand why it’s a very strange and emotionally hurtful thing to keep bringing up.

Presuming you would still like her in your life, you could try turning this around so the jokes on her. I dont know how many people are around the table but this works even if it's just you and dh; so I'm thinking, secretly set up a tote, trying to guess the exact time into dinner that she will start recounting the story, and as soon as she starts you or dh (I think dh would be most effective) jump up, announce the time loudly and see who's won. You could even wrap up a small prize.

Talk to her again. But this time make it clear it's a big issue

@scotchpotch you've asked her repeatedly not to do something hurtful/humiliating and she keeps doing it, yet you refer to her as a friend???? That's not what friends do!

If I brought something up that embarrassed a friend then I'd be mortified.

Personally I just wouldn't meet up with her any more. Avoid it. If she then asks why then tell her why. Tell her you are sick of her being so disrespectful when you meet up.

At the very least, I'd respond by asking her whether she thinks Blur or Oasis will win the race to No 1; or if she thinks this Internet thing will take off or just be a quickly-passing fad; or if she agrees with what John Major is doing as PM and whether she thinks he'll win the next election or not.

When she asks, bewildered, why on earth you keep going on as if you think it's still 1995, tell her that you're confused too; but you know that it's her favourite topic of conversation every single time you see her, so you just went along with it.

She enjoys making you feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I'd tell her that having considered previous neet-ups you've decided to not bother any more.

Apalling behaviour, what a b*. Does she 'like' your dh and so seeks to undermine you?

Also friends don't behave like this. I get thats it's a shame as you otherwise get on, but I wouldn't tolerate this. Could you be equally tactless? Bring up things form her past that are cringe? With people liukat that fairness and subtlety often doesn't work. Either you hurt her back or quit the friendship, but after what she doesn't for years I'd have zero time for her. What a nasty cow.

"Before we meet up i'd just like to check when and where you are going to repeat that story you love telling about dh and I having a heated misunderstanding 30 years ago.
We have been considering restaging it, possibly to music as a birthday gift to you as it was clearly such a seminal event in your life.
Alternatively we have been considering having an argument about something else so you have a new story to tell, as the novelty has rather gone from this one.
We thought perhaps something about not liking each others friends, or standing up to people who talk shit about us?
Let us know your preference as I realise either way you will be dining out on it for the next 30 years so it seems important to get it right."

But thats the nuclear bitch option.

I love this reply.
In fact, I’m going to pinch the ‘we’ve moved on, you clearly haven’t so it’s time for us to move on from you’. It’s a great answer!
@scotchpotch I would use something along these lines.
I would talk on the phone and tell her that if she brings it up ever again your friendship will be over and she will be asked to leave your home.
The older I get the less I will put up with shit from people- be strong.
Dont let her make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.
The sheer fact that you have posted here shows that you find it annoying, uncomfortable and probably upsetting. So tell her- no more.

I would just be blunt if she does it again: eg 'Gosh, you are boring, you have reminded us of that so many times. Haven't you got anything more interesting/recent to talk about?'
In reality maybe you don't have that much in common any more, which is why she is clinging on to past history.

I agree with @WatchingTheDetective and @yellowstonesunset there is envy there. Repeatedly mentioning the incident from 30 years ago isn’t great but the follow up response doubling down on how you should have behaved shows a real dislike of you. I wouldn’t bother communicating anymore, what’s the point when she clearly has a malevolence that quickly surfaces whenever you see her?

Are you hanging on to the friendship simply because of the length of time you've been "friends"?

How about completely denying it happened? You and OH could pretend to have zero idea of what she’s talking about and ask if she’s sure it was you.

You could gas-light her by claiming that you both have absolutely no memory of the incident. It never happened

HAHAHA! I actually love this - yes, you could both look blankly at her and say "er....what are talking about? neither of us recall anything like this happening", "are you ok Sandra? we're a bit concerned about you- perhaps you should make this your last drink eh?- you seem to be hallucinating". 🤪

Keep a fiver handy at all times. When she brings it up, pass it to your DH saying “You win DH, you said she’d bring this up within the first X hours of getting here and you were right”.

I have a “friend” who does similar. Known her since secondary school. She’s got worse and worse the older she gets. If I asked her not to do something (like your friend has done) she’d dig her heels in and do it more. I don’t think she’s a very happy person. She’s bitter and jealous of everyone.

My sister does this, especially when she’s been drinking. My preferred response is a massive eye roll and exaggerated sigh, then move on. Once she realises I’m not going to rise to it, she shuts up. It’s taken me a long time to have the self control to do it that way though!

Strange friend!

She clearly wants to upset you... and/or put a division between you and you DH. Not friend behaviour.

If you want to continue as friends, her weird behaviour needs addressing.

It seems to be aimed at dividing you and DH.

You could have a bet with your DH about how long it will take her to mention it and then very obviously laugh and pass money over. ( Tell her that you and DH always have a laugh about her doing this so obsessively).

This united laughing AT her is presumably the opposite of what she wants.

You could both simply and icily shut down what you are all doing as soon as she brings it up. (Remove the drinks or leave the restaurant or pack up and go to bed...) punish her by ending the fun for a while ... and show her how united she has made you.

You could gas-light her by claiming that you both have absolutely no memory of the incident. It never happened.

Have a list of her failings that the two of you immediately bring up as soon as she mentions the incident. Refuse to discuss the original incident at all.

Snuggle up together with DH in a simpering way and refer to the exciting way you made up. Look in danger of doing it to each other right there!

Have her overhear you explaining about the situation to someone else and asking what to do about it. (Show her this thread🙂)