Friend keeps dragging up the past

I completely get that you dont want to upset her- noone does this out of pleasure unless they are a sociopath, but why is her upset or the prospect of her tears more important than YOUR feelings?

She is continually doing something that she knows upsets you, yet she doesnt care does she?

It's admirable that you dont want to cause her distress but please remember that her feelings are no more valid than yours. As far as she knows, you might be on the verge of tears having this stupid incident brought up 60 times over 30 years. Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

She brings nothing to your life, stop seeing her

She's getting her jollies from repeatedly (for 30 years!!!) distressing you. It's not accidental, you've asked her to stop. This is not friendly behaviour.

I think she’d probably cry if I lost my shit at her
oh one of those.. gives it out but can’t take it. Then makes out they’re the victim.

I suspect she’s disappointed you and DH didn’t split up, so you could be single together.

Did she egg you on about DH cheating?

I'd tell her this is boring now having been on repeat for three decades and it stops now.

No I agree OP

I’m totally on your side with regard to her comments but I think your motives for staying in touch are wrong - even though they seem kind on the face of it - maybe she’d improve after you cut her off?

I have a friend who for years liked to bring up a short and fairly embarassing period from when we were students. It was when we had just left home and I was trying out different identities, as many young people do at that age. It only lasted a couple of months and then I reverted to being me. But my friend liked to bring this up for decades after. I tried to stop her many times and in many different ways. What worked in the end was when she brought it up yet again, I took it seriously, and made her have a discussion about young people and identity and how young people do this when leaving home, and had she not heard about it before as it is such a common thing? It was excrutiating for her. It turned into not something about me, but something about her. She has never mentioned it since.

Maybe try that, OP? When she brings it up, ask her if there is some aspect that fascinates her about this one argument between a young couple, and why that is so interested to her all these years later? Make her squirm. I think the point of these comments, similar to those of my friend, was that they made her feel a bit better about herself that she wasn't so silly. But when she was the silly one, suddenly it didn't appeal so much to talk about it.

Agree, my mum and dad loved a bit of shaming, each other and me. They hated each other and would bring stuff up at every argument that had happened 10, 20, 30 years ago.

I assume she's doing it to make her feel better about herself, she wants you to feel shame about what you did as she gets a kick out of it I think, but to be honest her intent is irrelevant, whatever the motive is good or bad it's affecting you, so I would stop seeing her.

She does it to put you down as shes jealous of your happiness, she wont listen even if you text her before, you must have some juice on her when she starts ie ' do you remember that one night stand you had and you had to get the morning after pill' that will shut her up

She's a friend really ? -Why are you spending time with her, she sounds a twat.
"You keep bringing the subject up Brenda, are you feeling okay. "
" Do you think Brian is having a fling you seem concerned about affairs?"
" I think you need to see a doctor, you keep repeating things and it must be worrying for Brian."
Yes, I'm a bitch.😀

Love the three words. Might start using them myself when my adult kids insist on bringing up the same embarrassing stories directed at me every time I see them 😂

I'd be inclined to have DH with me and have him say something along lines of 'OK so given it's brought up every time we see you, do you need to talk about NY 1995 again? Let's get it out of the way now if so cos it's really boring, no idea why you bring it up when I, the person that got yelled at would have long forgotten about it if it weren't for you reminding us' Get it all off your chest today and it never needs to come up again, if it does that's due to some weird agenda on your part'
Her bringing it up comes from some insecurity on her part and if you try to talk to her she turns it on you, the only hope of ending it is to have DH try

She obviously enjoys making you both squirm. Sounds like a control issue 😐

I think you have under reacted if anything. Do you have it in you to lose your temper with her? As in ‘ffs Deirdre not this again?’ Bonus points if DH says it instead of you.

Arrange with your dh that if she brings it up to just say
what do you think of the beef dh, I got it from the local butcher ?
It’s great, we should use them again.
And hold a separate conversation until she shuts up.

Just say ‘Look, Hilary, your continuing obsession with an argument in which you weren’t even involved from 30 years ago is a bit concerning, as well as irritating. We were the people actually having the argument all those years ago, and it’s not something either of us has given a second thought to in decades, just as we don’t give a thought to other minor events from three decades ago. Why don’t you see a therapist to try to figure out why it still seems to be on your mind so much? What purpose does it serve for you to bring it up literally every time you see us? It is clearly some kind of itch you need to scratch, and bringing it up either gives you satisfaction or suggests some ongoing unease — but bluntly, it’s boring and annoying to us. We’re going to have to ask you to find another way of dealing with this psychological quirk of yours.’

Or just say ‘What argument? Are you sure your memory isn’t going? There there, dear. It will come to us all.’

Actually love this idea!

Three words @ISpyNoPlumPie: Stop showing off! I find that this usually shuts down most unwanted comments. Then proceed to ask why she mentions it all the time, if she says that it’s ‘funny’ then you can exclaim that “you and DH don’t find it funny after all this time, it’s a non event that happened 30 years ago! Surly something funnier or more interesting has happened in your life (her life), over the last 30 years: pretty sad if it’s not”

Was she invited to the big surprise celebration that was being planned so secretly?

If so, it's telling that she doesn't see fit to mention the big amazing party all the time; only the misunderstanding.

If not, was she expecting to be invited, and is still holding a grudge that she wasn't?

If DH is with you, you could use it as an excuse to start getting very touchy feely and kissing intensely, every time - or a version of that.

if alone, ‘confess’ that DH told you afterwards he actually found you incredibly sexy when you were jealous over him and that’s why you moved on.

chsnge it into a positive memory for you as a couple. She’ll probably stop then.

A friend kept on telling everyone that I had polished off 2 bottles of wine at her house. Every time we met she would bring it up. Thing was it was her AC who had drunk the second bottle, I’d only had one, over 7 hours! Next time she mentioned it, I told her that it was her child who had the drink problem not me but I would happily replace it. She’s not mentioned it since. OP, call out this woman and if she doesn’t stop tell her you and DH are fed up hearing the same old story when she’s had a drink and will have to stop seeing her if alcohol is involved. She’ll soon shut up.

So you've asked her to stop, she refuses...just drop her as a friend. No one needs " friends" like this! You've moved on, if she can't, then ditch her.

She's a weirdo and a bully. Why on earth are you still tolerating her in your life?