Friend keeps dragging up the past

This was my first thought too. I get it from a friend who got married the same year as us, but is now divorced and she tries to turn us against each other. You either have to suck it up and hope they stop doing it or you put a stop to it.

Id just say gently but firmly...

I've had enough.

I've respectfully asked you many times not to.

If you bring it up again, it'll be the last time we speak.

Just agree it with your DH that you will both just silently walk out at the start of her story. No explanation. Just pick up your things and leave. Turn your phones off and carry on with your nice lives and let her stew.

Lonely. Not ‘lovely’!

Well I'm another poster who would never make a long speech.

'For goodness sake, stop boring on about it', should do it. If she carries on just leave the room.

No more visits.

Well, it’s the friend’s weird obsession, not the OP’s. I’d be making it clear that I recognised that, and viewed it as some kind of deficiency in her subsequent life that makes her continually bang about a minor event to which she was a bystander three decades ago. I don’t think she’s a bully, I think she’s probably rather tragic, in that her tactlessness and inability to read the room has made her lovely, but that’s not the OP’s problem, obviously.

I wouldn’t be shouting, though. As she sounds like someone with very little insight into her own behaviour and it’s effects on others, I’d be making it very clear why her behaviour was about to lose her two more friends.

I love these 😂😂

I couldn't be bothered to say all of that. And I doubt the OP's 'friend' will be arsed to listen to it all!

'SHUT THE FUCK UP, I am sick of you bringing up this boring shit every time we meet.' should suffice. If she doesn't stop it, then bin her. As has been said, she is a bully.

I would also its boring to hear her say the same thing over and over again.

I think you both need to be extremely direct and very clear. "X I care about this friendship but when you continue to bring this up when we've both repeatedly asked you not to, if makes me question what your intention is in doing that. If you continue to disrespect me in my own home then you won't be welcome in it any more and that would be a shame but its your choice what happens next."

Let me guess - your life has changed for the better since those days, while hers hasn’t (or has got worse)? This is her way of putting you back in your box. She wants to remind you of times when things have gone wrong for you to distract from the fact that things are still going wrong for her.

A now ex-friend - emphasis on the ex - used to do this to me. It got worse the better my life got, and that was no coincidence.

You need to be sharp and blunt:

We've asked you repeatedly to stop dragging this up. What do you think it says about you as a person? That you have such appalling manners that despite having been asked not to bring this up, you don't care and keep doing it? If you don't stop then we won't be seeing you again.

OP, I can completely relate to this. Except instead of a friend, it’s my parents! They love bringing up my first (disastrous) relationship from when I was 16/17. This went on for about 15 years. I became an expert in ‘grey rocking’ but still they continued. I have distanced myself from them and we live on different continents now, so it has stopped. I think it’s because they’re retired and don’t have much going on in their lives. I presume your friend is maybe in her 60s? When people don’t have busy lives they fixate on random shit, including other people’s mistakes. It can also be a cruel way to put you in your place by reminding you you’re not perfect.

Keep people like this at a distance and don’t feel a moment’s guilt for doing so - you have every right to protect your peace.

She sounds like a fucking weirdo.

refrain from in-person visits and if she questions you, tell her why. “We don’t enjoy these get togethers because you invariably goad and jeer at us with references to an unpleasant event decades ago. We asked you repeatedly to stop raising the subject but you chose not to. Your choice.”

Thought the same!

"DING! And have bingo! Who had one hour twenty five minutes (or whatever) on the clock before this came up THIS time?"

I’d sack her off, would get in touch and if she did, I’d ignore her.

Harsh, but fuck them. You’ve both asked that it stops, but been ignored.

This is the sort of message I would want to send, @scotchpotch.

“Hi Mabel,

Just a quick message ahead of dinner next week. Please do not bring up the argument dh and I had - it is ancient history, and as you well know, it pisses us off every time you drag it up. Other than this, we love your company, but if you cannot retrain yourself from raking over these old, old coals, we won’t want to see you again.

I hope you can (finally) respect our wishes on this.

@scotchpotch.”

when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’.

Agreeing with pp, I really think at this point that you will have to change how you respond. Instead of laughing it off, or however you have always politely responded, lean in towards her- into her space- and say calmly but coldly,
“Tracy. This happened 30 years ago. The only person who still thinks about it is you. It’s upsetting for me/us to see you dragging it up over and over again for no good reason. I didn’t think at the time and I deeply regret the incident, but as it’s the only one you have to shame me with I’m obviously not that bad a person. On the other hand we have you, repeatedly asked to shut up about it, but who continues to enjoy rehearsing it three decades later. Why? Why do you continually want to talk about it? Does shaming me make you feel better about yourself? If you want to keep being friends with me, this will be the last time, ever, that you mention it. Ok?” Then lean away, out of her face, and pass her the tissues.

Perfectly reasonable.
Followed by "If you bring this up one more time, this will be the end of our friendship as you clearly have no respect for my feelings or wishes."

"I've asked you nicely, and repeatedly, to stop bringing this up. Don't make me tell you horribly."

I was thinking that too

We had a similar acquaintance, some time ago now. Got to the stage of being blunt with them. No effect.

I used to say how could they do this when they know it makes me really uncomfortable and a friend of mine said... that's exactly why. They want a reaction or drama.

Thankfully lockdown intervened and it was easier to put some distance.

Maybe this twit wants you to get mad and start a to and fro between you and DH for their entertainment? "Guess what happened at dinner the other night... "

It's tricky if its in a friendship group and maybe you feel you want to give it one more try by direct speaking, but she's not being friendly IMHO

Can you not say ‘this again? God it’s boring as hell but you seem obsessed by a daft row thirty years ago. Are you sure you’re ok? Have you anything else to talk about’ Or I’d dramatically remove her glass of wine and say ‘you must be plastered to keep bringing this up thirty years on despite being told not to’.

Don't forget that many people will deliberately use crying manipulatively. They see it as their way of 'winning' and of making you out to be the bad guy for even slightly disagreeing with them.

I don't know if this is what your 'friend' would do, of course; but why is it terrible if SHE cries over something nasty that SHE continues to insist on doing, yet YOUR upset about her doing it for all of this time is 'just fine'?

I absolutely hate when people do this, and I personally would distance myself. So what if she’s an old family friend blah blah; she is supposed to be your FRIEND. You have asked multiple times for her to drop this subject, not bring it up, but she persists with it, why? - because it makes you squirm and feel uncomfortable, and she knows it!! She’s likes making you feel this way. She’s no friend sorry