Friend keeps dragging up the past

I wouldn't let her visit anymore, and yes I would tell her. Like : "if you bring this up it will be the last time ever we see each other".

When this has happened to me, I've just told them, "That's like burglarising my old house, it's not my stuff as I don't live there anymore."

Essentially, my life has evolved, and I'm no longer the person I was 30 years ago.

She's not your friend, and I would give it one last meet-up, and if she brings it up, that would be the end of the friendship.

If you’ve tried the direct response way and that hasn’t worked can I suggest this…

People like this usually hate to make you look small. So why don’t you and ur OH have a bet beforehand. Both write a time on a piece of paper & when she mentions it both bring out your paper & make a big thing about who got the nearest time.

This way you’re turning something that she’s doing deliberately to upset/belittle you, into a joke at her expense.

This is a great approach. Do this.

Proactively have a conversation about her behaviour- tell her that you're sick of her bringing it up, and if she does it again you will [insert consequence that you're willing and able to stick to - maybe leaving the meetup, maybe ending the entire friendship]

Tell her if she doesn't stop bringing it up you will stop seeing her.

Agreed,short,very sharp and to the point.

She’s belittling you. I wouldn’t see her again if it were me.

Clearly. There’s an odd tendency on Mn to think that people with few or no friends are ‘lovely’ and overlooked or unappreciated, but while that may certainly be true for some, there are also obviously people who struggle with friendships because they’re tactless, unpleasant, or bores whose conversation involves endless harking back to an event from 30 years earlier and which they clearly feels makes the people they’re talking to look bad.

She isn’t your friend! The behavior she’s been doing plus saying when you ask her to stop doing it? She’s made it VERY clear she doesn’t like you. She is probably in love with your husband and has been for years and hopes bringing this up will split you up so she can get him

wtf 🤣

She sounds a real.pain.
Give her the elbow.
Stop.seeing her.

🫷👋👍
X

Exactly. The long speech is just a bit of a daft idea. Just a short sharp 'Shut the fuck up you're doing my fucking head in! Do you want me to bin you as a friend?' type thing will do. Shock her into submission, don't read War and peace to the woman!

Sounds to me that she's envious of you and by continuing to bring up something negative that happened allows her to dig at you and DH. She's not acting like a friend imo.

I agree with OPs who say to bring it up first. Be clear. You may find it helpful to actually write down your intended script in preparation & practise running through it:-
fold an A4 sheet lengthwise; on 1 side put what you want to say; on the other side put how you think she'll respond, & on your side put what you'll say to counter this; carry on like this (in your pre-prepped script) until you've scripted out the outcome you want.

I would be thinking to end up with something very clear, like:
"Unless you can definitely take this on board, and I mean completely stop this endless referring to something personal to my relationship with my husband that happened X years ago, I do not see how I can manage continuing our friendship / relationship. So that, therefore, I will seriously consider permanently severing our contact".
Finally: check with her that she has HEARD what you have said and ask her to REPEAT what she understands about your interchange. If she hasn't got it, reiterate & ask her to repeat - until she HAS got it.

I'd let her bring it up again and repond "Jesus H Christ, how long have we known each other, and that's what you bring up every time we get together?!?! It's x f'ing years ago, I've certainly changed, but maybe if you haven't we need to re-think our friendship!"

You've already asked her not to, and she's still doing it. If you don't see her again, she's made a decision.

This is why she has so few friends.

A “FFS. Not again? You do this every single time. It’s boring. Do you have nothing else to talk about?” should do the trick.

You need to be blunt and rude yourself.

Except I would have binned her as soon as she brought it up again after I had asked her not to.

We have a couple of friends who do this - we call it tactical tactlessness

She’s being a frenemy.
Her life hasn’t turned out as well as yours and to some degree she resents you.
This is her way of putting you in your place and making you feel awkward and pain.

Next time, you need to make a stand and face her head on with this. She doesn’t mind one bit about doing it to you the other way round.

Pretend you can’t remember. Both of you.
”Huh? Argument? No sorry, don’t know what you mean” the more she talks, just give each other puzzled looks and pretend you don’t remember. It will do her head in 😁

When she next does it I’d. directly ask her why she is deliberately trying to upset you. If she claims she’s not, you then remind her that you have told her it upsets you several times so she does know and therefore she most definitely is deliberately trying to upset you and your like to know why.

Tell her, she will get a slap if she mentions again.

Get in first…”Oh my gosh, do you remember those x amount of times you come every year and try to make me feel uncomfortable by bringing up something that happened THIRTY years ago?! *insert mad laugh’ how cringe is that?!” Then silently stare at her. Make her feel uncomfortable. It’s mad after not only so long and multiple times being told to shut her trap, she keeps doing it. I couldn’t be arsed having this person stay in my home at this point tbh. That’s not a friend imo

I'd lose my shit and make her cry to get the point over. She thinks nothing of upsetting you and your husband.
Personally it really annoys me when anyone turns the water works on.