Page 2 | Friend keeps dragging up the past

Newname71 · 08/11/2025 10:05

I’d just say “Ob god not this again, it’s soo boring” and yawn.

BountifulPantry · 08/11/2025 10:00

Great update.

life’s so much lighter when you speak your mind isn’t it?

Original poster

scotchpotch · 08/11/2025 09:56

BountifulPantry · 08/11/2025 09:47

@scotchpotch wow nice work!

whats the plan now? You going to let it be for a while and see what happens.

Thanks! Yes that’s the plan. If she initiates contact again then I’m going to reiterate everything DH and I said and suggest we cool things for a while if she apologises. If she acts like nothing’s wrong and repeats she was joking and we have no sense of humour then I’m calling time on the friendship. Life is too short!

OP posts:

BountifulPantry · 08/11/2025 09:47

@scotchpotch wow nice work!

whats the plan now? You going to let it be for a while and see what happens.

Original poster

scotchpotch · 08/11/2025 09:44

Quick update from me. DH and I decided to video call her so we could talk face to face as much as possible. I asked her why she kept bringing up the past and she tried to brush it off with ‘I was only joking with you’. DH pointed out that we have both said time and time again that it’s not funny, it’s hurtful and annoying and we don’t enjoy her company when she visits because we know she’s going to mention this at some point. I told her a friendship based on one person making knowingly hurtful comments and references isn’t a friendship and she then ended the call. So that gave me all the answers I needed! Thanks for all your advice, I feel a lot emotionally lighter now.

OP posts:

daleylama · 05/11/2025 17:22

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:29

Thanks for the responses, you’ve all given me food for thought. She’s a very old family friend and we get on really well other than this weirdness. To answer some questions, when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’. I like the sound of bringing it up first but equally, every time we meet up, I kind of hope that this time will be different. It never is! Maybe the answer is to let the friendship slide and be unavailable a bit more. Friend is on her own (widowed - not recent). I just struggle to understand why she keeps going on about it. So maybe the answer is to ask!

.

goody2shooz · 04/11/2025 08:14

@scotchpotch having told her how it makes you feel, and putting up with this for THIRTY years, I’d say you’d be mad to meet up again. She’s had her chances. Over and over. I’d have been done after she did it the first time after being told how upset it made me.

Gilgogirl · 03/11/2025 21:12

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:01

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

I’d ask what she was trying to prove and why keeps bringing it up and then just stare at her waiting for and answer and demand and answer. Then tell to shut up and never bring it up again and that she’s a bore with constant haranguing about the same subject over and over again.

pipthomson · 03/11/2025 20:43

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/11/2025 09:07

Do you actually need to spend time with this person? Could you just let it slide? If she asks why, just say, you seem obsessed with what happened 30 years ago. Sounds like you have asked her not to drag it up in allllll the different ways possible. Either she’s got something wrong with her or she’s just not a person worth spending time with.

You should try getting her to read the book The power of Now you can never be truly happy I if you are Un comfortable with the way things are right now trying to find happiness in outside stuff is a waste of energy
the trouble is that we are all looking for people places and things to solve a non physical issue nobody thinks that iit is abnormal because everyone is stuck in the same mode of thinking

FeetLikeFlippers · 03/11/2025 14:18

If you really have to see her again (I don’t think I’d bother!) then try turning the joke on her - when she brings it up, don’t say anything, just quietly take a tenner out of your pocket and hand it to DH, saying “you win”, then tell her you had a bet on for how long it would take her to bring it up. Then change the subject and refuse to respond if she mentions it again, and tell her she won’t be invited again unless she can find something more interesting to talk about.

PoshHorseyBird · 03/11/2025 13:41

"Blimey friend it happened 30 years ago and you're STILL obsessed about it! Are you ok?"
Failing that, dont meet up with her anymore.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 03/11/2025 11:37

justalittlebitofrain · 02/11/2025 22:38

Is she neurodivergent ?

🙄

ExitViaGiftShop · 03/11/2025 11:27

Just bin her off, you must dread seeing her. What’s the point? Life is too short. Like others have said, possibly a power play, takes enjoyment from seeing you uncomfortable, she’s likely a sad cow without much going on and is jealous of you. Does she gossip about other people? That’s another thing those types do. She’s bad energy.

Socksey · 03/11/2025 09:41

I would be telling her (before she comes) not to bring it up again as it makes you both feel uncomfortable to the point of not looking forward to her visits.
And if she does, just tell her she has been asked repeatedly and now she can leave.

NigellaAwesome · 03/11/2025 09:11

Personally I would just bin her - as others have pointed out she is getting her kicks out of shaming you and watching your embarrassment.

But if you feel you do still want to see her, I would arrange with DH that if she brings it up again, turn it around and mention the amazing make up sex you had afterwards (and for bonus entertainment, give one another an enthusiastic snog in front of her). That should be sufficient to shift the discomfort to her. I’ll bet she won’t raise it again.

TheaBrandt1 · 03/11/2025 07:31

“Mention that again Sarah and I won’t meet up with you again. Not joking” .

Delivered in calm hard way. That should do it.

tuvamoodyson · 03/11/2025 07:11

I’d cut the feet from under her.

’Remember that time in the pub…’

’Let me get your coat Janice’

Never get in touch with her again.

HeMann · 03/11/2025 06:46

Make abet with your husband about the timing. Then When she brings it up take out a tenner and give it to your dh. Say that you had a bet on that she would bring it up before dinner (or whatever), explain that he bet she wouldn’t bring it up until a few drinks down

Arctician · 03/11/2025 05:15

Firstly …. well done you all those years ago for showing what a fiercely loving partner you were - and have been to DH. Not so well done you for tolerating the passive aggressive barbs of your so-called friend over the same period. It seems you have tried all means to call time on her ridiculous behaviour. Imagine - putting up with a nasty, jealous person for all those years ! You’ve tried everything- except the obvious one. End the relationship. It’s not a ‘friendship’. Message her or call her and tell her you’re calling time on your association, explaining why (optional, you don’t have to explain anything). That’s the nuclear option. Alternatively, stop taking her calls and cut right back on messaging and the next time the subject of a get-together comes up …. simply decline, either bluntly or by making any excuse you choose. Many ‘friendships’ fade into memories over the course of time. The one that you think you’re in faded a long, long time ago. Wake up. Move on. Celebrate the real relationship you fought so courageously for all those years ago.

Firethehorse · 03/11/2025 02:54

Sorry your friend is doing this OP. I agree with all the posters saying your friend is probably quite sad and lonely plus lacking some social skills. I think I would try to maintain the friendship so would be very firm before a meet up. I wouldn’t ask why because she probably doesn’t know, or if she does would have to admit to jealousy or being sad. I’d tell her I really want to meet up but enough is enough so she has to commit to not mentioning it again or you will not want to get together. Offer to make some new memories together and do something a bit different.

justalittlebitofrain · 02/11/2025 22:38

Is she neurodivergent ?

CanadianCooper · 02/11/2025 22:37

LuxuryWoman2020 · 02/11/2025 09:04

I'd simply ask her why she keeps bringing it up despite being told not too. I'd tell her it's weird she keeps bringing up something that happened decades ago. Then, if she did it again I'd let the friendship go.

First post nails it

pineapplesundae · 02/11/2025 22:35

Look her in the face, both you and your husband and say, you can’t be serious! Are you really going to bring that up annually? Really? Surely you have better things to talk about. If she continues to rehash it, end the evening. Maybe she’ll get over it.

Worried198423 · 02/11/2025 22:29

Bring up something embarrassing that she's done.
Or mention no wonder she hasn't any friends.
Shee how she likes that.

BlueandPinkSwan · 02/11/2025 21:48

MaddestGranny · 02/11/2025 19:46

I agree with OPs who say to bring it up first. Be clear. You may find it helpful to actually write down your intended script in preparation & practise running through it:-
fold an A4 sheet lengthwise; on 1 side put what you want to say; on the other side put how you think she'll respond, & on your side put what you'll say to counter this; carry on like this (in your pre-prepped script) until you've scripted out the outcome you want.

I would be thinking to end up with something very clear, like:
"Unless you can definitely take this on board, and I mean completely stop this endless referring to something personal to my relationship with my husband that happened X years ago, I do not see how I can manage continuing our friendship / relationship. So that, therefore, I will seriously consider permanently severing our contact".
Finally: check with her that she has HEARD what you have said and ask her to REPEAT what she understands about your interchange. If she hasn't got it, reiterate & ask her to repeat - until she HAS got it.

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Tbh if someone said that to me I'd zone out and yawn as I would with a lot of the long speeches on here.