WIBU to assume this about invitation?

I would be making it very clear if you aren’t ALL invited then none of you will be going. That includes DH. If you tolerate this once, this will be the tone of things to come. What a disgusting way to behave towards a child or anyone. Not sure I would want to be around those people anyways. Make your stand now OP!

Totally agree with this, but ONLY if BIL backtracks and allows 3 yo to come.

DN is your child now. If they can’t go then you can’t go, that’s what I’d be like anyway. I’d be bloody raging at that.

Your IL will come to feel ashamed of his behaviour I am sure. Whether or not he will be man enough to accept his mistake and apologise ….. well in current form maybe not.

but really I wanted to post to say op that from your posts you come across as really fair, compassionate, loving and generous person. What an amazing family you have created and it sounds like - bar this one mouldy apple - your wider family network loves and appreciates you and sees you as one of their own - absolute testament to you

And to add, s sorry for your, and their loss. I think it’s a wonderful thing you’ve gone for your relative. All the best.

I hope so too. If he hasn’t got history of being like this, that must be it.

I hope he comes round and apologises at least, even if you still don’t go.

So good to hear the other family are supportive!

@MannersAreAll Of course YANBU OP to assume your DN was invited as one of the "kids" written on the invitation - it's a perfectly understandable assumption. Your DH's cousin is being beyond unreasonable (as the reaction of your MIL, his own father and his own wife clearly demonstrate). In fact, his stance is cruel and vile - who the hell excludes an orphaned child from a family party, particularly when they've attended other family gatherings without comment? I'm slightly bemused by his wife's apparent passiveness though (notwithstanding she messaged you to say she doesn't agree with his stance) - if "birthday boy" were my DH I would be making it very clear to him that if he didn't back down, extend the invitation to your DN, and apologise immediately to you and your DH, then I wouldn't be attending his fecking party either! 😡 What a truly nasty piece of work he must be.

There’s no way of justifying this. Op has other young children. You don’t exclude a 3 year old for misbehaving. Relative is an a hole.

Am I right in thinking the birthday boy isn't inviting any friends to his party? Sounds weird. A big party and relatives only.

I don’t understand this ? Surely the 3 year old is family now if you are legally their parent ? I couldn’t go and would tell the wider family why. Such a cruel and frankly bizarre notion to ban a child from a family gathering !

I would say this person IS family and if you don’t behave properly and invite them, none of us are coming. What a shitty thing to do!

How is the 3 year old not family? What do
they mean by that?

What a strange and unpleasant man, and how embarrassing for his family to have to try and account for his behaviour.

If the child did have behavioural issues or SEN, well, discrimination on that basis is common enough that OP would assume that to be the reason, rather than some nebulous thing about not being blood related. Either way, I wouldn't want to engage with anyone willing to jeopardise multiple relationships on the basis of a weird grudge against a toddler, and I certainly wouldn't want them around my kids.

And which you clarified in your third post OP. But I think most of us had worked it out anyway

This is appalling OP and I’m glad the majority of the family are behind you. The only thing I can think of, and it’s not really mitigating, but does your new child have big behavioural issues?
I think this person has made a big mistake and pride is now not allowing him to admit it and make amends. If he does make a huge admission of guilt and say how sorry he is I think you should accept the apology. I’m not sure I would go to this party, but if the remorse were genuine I would try to let it go because otherwise it just keeps the issue going and would have to be explained to your child at some point.

i really think the op would have said in her recounting given the updates provided, but good on you for working hard to think of all the reasons it is ok to invite all children including 3yos except the 3yo orphans.

I mean if I were his wife, not expecting you to do that.

I’m glad the rest of the family seem great especially your mil, but he is insane. And he doesn’t care what his wife thinks?? If I were his wife I wouldn’t go either to the party he’d excluded a 3yo orphan from, even if it were my husbands!! I’d be telling him I will notify the entire family formally that I cannot in good conscience attend his birthday, and if anyone wants to come to ours to keep me company they’d be welcome, any 3 yo orphans included since who the fuck would you leave them with and why would anyone make you do that.

Excluding a 3 year old orphan that your family members have 'adopted' by taking permanent legal custody, is the lowest of the low. In good conscience I wouldn't go.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope that child never ever finds out that people can be so cruel and heartless.

How old are the "younger children"? And did the three year old misbehave at a prior event? Are other toddlers going? There may be background information that would explain this, as the child has gone to previous events.

Sorry about the emoji, it wasn't meant as intentionally rude!
That doesn't make any sense whatsoever! If it's restricted to only 'direct' family members on your DH's familial side then surely spouses and partners should also be excluded and with the size of the party there must be a fair number of such people invited by default and attending?!
Not that it should be necessary 😡 but this is surely an obviously logical 'stick' to beat your DH's brother with? I cannot for the life of me imagine how anyone could think that excluding a 3 year old dependant child from an invitation is acceptable for any reason anyway? What a mean spirited thoughtless dickhead ☹️!

It's just really crappy behaviour op

I wouldn't be able to get over it either

I would assume kids to mean all children that live in your household, which would include the three year old. You have indicated that they are a relative, so in some way would be family. If older children's partners were invited, and they are not yet married, they are not technically family yet either.

Im really sorry to hear this. I was trying hope against hope to find that there was some other reason other than mean spirit. There is not. So the only remaining response is to send a message with your actions. You stand by your 3 yo, and if one is not invited then you are all not invited. None of you attend - and honestly who would even want to attend to celebrate with someone who behaved in this way. Some folk are just petty and mean. Hold your head up high. Your adopted 3 yo is blessed to have you guys in their lives x

How rude and hurtful of the birthday relative. I obviously don't know the background of how the 3 year old came into your care, but I'm so pleased they have you and your family. You all sound really close knit and caring of each other.