To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

Sounds like DD has the status anxiety due to the other members of her now family having even more money....

I think this is just a convoluted, pick-me humblebrag post because OP is clearly connected to these wealthy people and enjoys their company. So they secretly love the fact that they are rich by proxy but feel too ingrained to act humble. Hence a weird rambling post about how it's unreal or unbelievable that people could have that much money, combined with the morally superior high-ground of being hard working middle-class people.

No normal adult in a capitalist society will find wealth "overwhelming" because we are constantly confronted by it. Pop culture normalises the extreme top 5% of lifestyles to the point that most people, regardless of class, adjust to luxury extremely quickly. Putting on a wide-eyed "how can people be this wealthy" show is fawning and disingenuous at best. This whole post gives off an aura of desperately wanting to show off how privileged they are by using reverse psychology and trying to gain public sympathy points for being humble in the face of incredible wealth.

I'm sure you DGC love the holidays they have with you. My DD9 loves whatever she's on whether it's abroad luxury or uk break

Some of these comments are really bitter and resentful, full of Jealousy, for people they know who have money or even the ops daughter. And I think sadly that’s what causes much of the divide.

‘Overwhelmed’ you mean jealous OP, you are jealous. Be happy for DD and find somwthing else to worry about. Imagine if she had nothing.

Its not a race to the bottom. Here you are, complaining that your center parc holidays might not be good enough, when many can afford any holiday. Same thing! You are complaining about something that is an absolute luxury.
We always want better, it’s perfectly normal.
Especially for our children, we all try to do the best. And there are huge differences between schools.

Sounds like she has. What do you say to her? Because that's really entitled. Would her kids even be in the school they're in without her in-laws money?

YANBU.

The daughter is in a tough position when it comes to navigating her relationship with OP.

When someone doesn’t like something about you they’ll put a negative spin on it, no matter what you do. She acknowledges it? She’s flaunting. She ‘checks her privilege’? Performative and patronizing virtue signaling. She doesn’t mention it? She’s being secretive and cutting her mother out of her life. She takes a step back from an awkward dynamic? She’s forgotten where she came from.

OP - you’re free to feel however you want about her financial position, but it is what it is. She’s done nothing wrong by having access to wealth, and she doesn’t have to justify herself to you.

It’s up to you to take responsibility for your feelings and decide how to handle them, not her. If you allow those feelings to dictate the type of relationship you have with your daughter and grandchildren going forward, you do however run the risk of creating a self fulfilling prophecy and pushing them away.

Agree with this. One of my adult DCs' fondest memories is of a premier inn in Wales.

I don't think you personally should feel overwhelmed. You are mortgage free, you were very lucky to have had a free grammar education for your DD and you are perfectly fine financially. Your life is great and straightforward. There is nothing to handle. Nobody is asking you to fund a Caribbean holiday for 10 people. You've just been invited for a meal that you don't have to cook/fund/whatever. I've never been to the Caribbean and feel fine about that. Most people haven't. Nobody expects you to take them. I can't see anything about your situation that needs handling.

On the other hand, for your DD, half of 2 sets of private school fees in this day and age is an absolute shit load of money to earn or find. I can't imagine your DD's bills are cheap either with a big expensive house. They must have outgoings that you don't even consider/know about as they live a different kind of life. The school fees are only going to rise (a lot). My water bill has just risen by 20% for the same usage. This type of increase and similar hits private schools and they have to put up their fees. I would feel a bit insecure in your DD's position, unless the inlaws have more spare money than the millions they've already shelled out to house their kids. Because the costs of your DD, her DH and their DCs lives are astronomical - even without needing to pay mortgage. And worthy of stress.

When our children were younger we took them to France and Switzerland for nearly a month, indulged them in everything they wanted including private water ski lessons on a Swiss lake so you can imagine the cost.
A month later we went to the Lake District for a day out, parked at the side of a lake where they found a huge boulder. For at least two hours they climbed onto it and jumped off, having a wonderful time.
In their opinion it was far better than the holiday we’d had.
Don’t believe they’re having less with you.

Or she’s not struggling, but attempting to relate to her DM. I suspect that OP’s DD is well aware of how her mother feels about her family’s wealth, so in response she may be downplaying it and trying to find common ground where there is little.

I have a friend who married into a very wealthy family. She doesn't seem to realise how much richer she now is than the vast majority of people. My life is vastly different to hers.

Exactly my thoughts. It’s OP’s DD who probably feels overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Being (relatively) poor and having your life funded by rich in-laws and knowing full well you wouldn’t have a chance in hell of affording school fees and yearly trips to the Caribbean by yourself would make me squirm. As has been pointed out, not being able to afford a ski trip when you have no mortgage to pay is a sign of either a low/modest household income or spectacularly poor financial management. OP should stop fixating on not being as rich as the other grandparents and cut her daughter some slack.

Give your grandkids love and attention, I guarantee they will remember and cherish the memories at center parcs
(Ps for some of us center parcs is too expensive 🙂 )

Your gc will remember how you made them feel. My parents give far more to dd in monetary terms but it's the love that they have for her she values. My in laws give far less in terms of time and money but when they see her they are present and value her.

Your DD's attitude is a separate thing and I'd just listen. As you know it's hard not to compare yourself to others. I get caught up with the green eyed monster occasionally and have to reorientate myself on what's actually important and how lucky we are.

@Glowanna- something that struck me very hard with this - your DD’s PIL are rich. By the sound of it, so is her BIL- but your DD herself is not.

She had been gifted a house, she is mortgage free, they have half the school fees paid for and only have to pay the other half. She does not fund the Caribbean trips and they as a couple (although they have no mortgage and only pay half schools fees at a relatively cheap private prep), can’t afford skiing trips every year. (Skiing holidays can be done for around £7-10k for a family of 4 - and they can’t afford that every year, even mortgage free and paying half school fees.)

You might want to give your dd a bit a slack. She’s married into a very wealthy family and while some of the wealth has come to them, they are still not rich themselves. It does sound like school, even with half paid by PIL, is stretching them thin and your DD is struggling with that. Was it her choice or was there family pressure/expectation to privately educate?

what’s the secondary school plan? This is often double prep fees, so if they don’t have a spare £10k a year now, they will really struggle to pay even 50% of private secondary school fees for 2 dcs.

I bet your grand children much prefer centre Parcs to the Caribbean. I honestly believe it’s not about money it’s about love and happiness. You gave your children a happy home, you should be proud of that!

My grandma used to buy us loads and spend a fortune but my favourite memories are going to the seaside arcade with my nanna (who had no money) with £5 and an ice cream!

How rude. I totally understand how the OP feels.

We shouldn't be angry because they have something we don't. We should be angry that they are hoarding wealth.

Agree, but also don't agree.
Billionaires have robbed the world blind and we should all be angry about that.

Not read full thread but, your daughters inlaws sound lovely! Looks like they have really properly welcomed her into the family. She sounds lucky to have them when you read all the nightmare MIL stories on here.
I've only ever seen clips of Gavin and Stacey but isn't there a real wealth divide between the families in that? And despite that they've all become such proper friends the inlaws have become family to each other?

Say it louder for those at the back!
Comparison is the thief of joy.

I suspect the ski trip they can't afford would be a catered ski-in-ski-out chalet in Couercheval in half term with kids in ski school daily. So I don't think 5k would cut it 😅

Everyone's financial issues are relative, that doesn't mean they don't exist. She should be able to talk to her mum without judgment (not saying that's what's greening here, but some replies are leaning this way)

I agree. This is a route to point scoring and unpleasant comparisons. These people are not aliens they just have more expensive stuff than you . Through marriage and friendship I know a lot of very wealthy people. I am not wealthy but it’s not an issue.
Try to remember that in the same way that you do not seem able to see outside of your own life. They may be the same and that’s ok too. Everyone had their normal but it doesn’t mean we cant do different things or have dinner in a big house sometimes.
Also my dc genuinely like both the Caribbean and caravans for different reasons.