To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

Money can buy you medical treatment. Money cannot buy you health if what you have is chronic/incureable.

I find that sad.

We are not mega rich, but were, and still are, better off than some friends of ours (low paid jobs, studying, much younger). We always choose activities/restaurants that are affordable for our friends. We also do things that are very cheap or free (including hosting at home). Spending time together is always the driving factor, not consumption in any form.

Please bear in mind that many people will feel the same reading what you have said…….we live mortgage free in our home and can only afford to take all the grandkids to Center Parcs every year.

It’s all relative. Millions of grandparents live hand to mouth in this country, still paying never ending rent, can’t afford to even take their grandkids for a day out. Their kids are struggling to survive and their kids are relying on foodbanks, despite working full time.

People will always be richer and poorer than you. Try to think about all the things you are really fortunate to have - a paid off home, a family you are close to by the sounds of it. Would you really rather than your daughter had married a poor man and your grandkids were living hand to mouth? Remind yourself how lucky your kids and grandkids are.

Ok, that’s a fair point, but I was just trying to reassure OP

Dunno where we are on the wealth scale compared to your rels but my daughter (8) is lucky enough to have had both Centreparcs and Caribbean holidays and I'm quite sure she sees no qualitative difference between them and jumps at the chance of either! Kids don't see the world the way we do.

I understand you feeling overwhelmed but please don’t ever compare yourselves unfavourably to these people. I find that kind of wealth is pretty obscene and the entitlement that usually goes with it is very unattractive. And it’s all so tediously predictable, like these people only ever do the cliched things that are expected of them - fancy cars, expensive schools, skiing, holidays in Barbados - yawn! Can’t they think of anything more interesting to do with all that money?

Very weird. Where have all these people with outside toilets suddenly appeared from? The OP didn't mention anything like that, or needing secret little care packages. Strange connection to make.

As for me, I've had to learn how to politely shut down conversations with friends and family, both close and very distant, when they've started to hint at me for big gifts or free rent. It's embarrassing and exhausting. Obviously I'd help out a family member who needed urgent help - as we all would to the best of our abilities - but you'll hopefully forgive me for prickling at the idea of being the one who is always called upon to "share".

Who says they didn’t? Or that they didn’t at least offer?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing, there’s plenty wrong with being treated like a cash cow as in Barbie’s case. On one hand she’s looked upon as a bad person that needs to be cut down, yet they actively feel entitled to be provided with the thing that apparently makes her that in their eyes.

Ime sharing with people that have that mindset doesn’t tend to make them appreciative, any less resentful, or inclined to treat you better. If anything it further fouls an already unpleasant dynamic.

yanbu to be overwhelmed, it sounds like the in laws are nice welcoming and generous people though, that don’t “look down” on your situation in anyway.

that said I’d be pulling up dd on her comments. I consider us to be relatively well off (no mortgage, decent detached house) yet skiing is firmly off the affordability agenda. I only know one family that goes skiing!

I'm pretty well off but other than buying stuff for my DM, which often she hates, there's very little I can do. People really do not want their lives dictated to by their kids. There's a lot of pride involved and you have to tread carefully.

I do think in the OPs case, she can remind the DD that she's in a privilaged position but other than that, it's all a bit difficult as everyone involved are indeed adults.

It can make things weird when there’s a disparity, but if the people involved are nice, then you can totally make it work. I don’t think your daughter needs you to remind her where she came from - she’s allowed to feel what she feels. She’s probably comparing herself to people with even more money. You could say something general like, “I suppose it all depends on who we compare ourselves to.” That’s universally true. I agree that children don’t care how much things cost. They care about fun and connection. My boys like camping just as much as big long-haul holidays. Try not to let your insecurity eat away at you. And take heart that your daughter won’t have to struggle as much as she would have had to without all this help.

As I said in the previous post to yours, very basics, an inside toilet. I do remember, many years ago in the 60s, a friend of mine received anonymous parcels on her doorstep.

According to this thread at least, you have a much better time in life when you don’t have money, so clearly they’ve already got the better deal. Besides, they might start forgetting where they came from.

Could you be more specific about what exactly you'd be expecting your wealthy adult child to 'share' with you, and what precisely would make it 'not a handout'?

• Zigazigarrr I was thinking more on the lines of previous posters, one whose grandmother had an outside toilet and another whose sibling was homeless not to the person with their run of the mill struggles. Heaven forbid others should share their wealth which is theirs and theirs alone.

I don’t see why the daughter has to help her mum, she’s perfectly well off. My in-laws are much wealthier than my parents, who still are financially fine, my parents wouldn’t dream of wanting some kind of handout.

@Washingupdone What if one side of the family is wealthy (ours) and in the inlaws are perfectly professional but not as wealthy. My MIL and SIL def feel they should have benefited as well as DH. Would they in your world? And if so, why?

What I don’t understand is how very wealthy adult children don’t help their parents. Although parents, of course don’t want handouts, there must be a way to to share their wealth.
That being said, all DGC want is your time and love.

Put it this way, sometimes as a kid, i had more fun with the boxes of toys than the fancy crap that came in them.

My child won a scholarship to an exclusive fee paying school and through that I met some VERY wealthy parents. I became a single parent and they were all great to me. The problem was I simply couldn't keep up with their lifestyles. A meal out would be easily £100 plus each time (I didn't drink by the way) and weekends away more than £1,000 and this was 15 years ago! In the end the friendships were unsustainable because of this. Sad really.

My recent post sounded a bit negative...

What I wanted to add is that I never felt resentful or deprived about my very modest upbringing. It doesn't cross my mind that it could have been "better". I had a great time and wouldn't go back and change it. The problem comes when my family make assumptions about how I see them because they're projecting.

Your grandkids won't prefer their other side of the family just because you go to Centerparcs and not the Caribbean. They will pick up on it if you're anxious and irritated every time their mother mentions certain things, though.

With my kids this is entirely true though - we had a very expensive long haul ‘luxury’ holiday last year that they were just not that bothered about (sadly paid for by us we have no rich benefactors in our family!) They speak most fondly about our trips to Wales or the Lakes. My DC love the slides at CentreParcs and would be delighted to be invited there by grandparents. They want fun, to avoid long journeys and aren’t involved in bragging rights about where they go with their friends yet!

Don’t be dazzled by their other families wealth @Glowanna as you can see from your DD comparison is the thief of joy. Just enjoy your time together.

I'm the DD in a very similar situation. My family reacted to it very badly at first, lots of "reverse snobbery" and nasty little jokes towards me/about my DH. They felt uncomfortable, but made it my problem. It felt like they were looking for reasons to bring me down about it. They're better now that they've got more used to the idea, but the bitterness still surfaces from time to time, and it still stings. I try to be sensitive and discreet, but sometimes it feels like work not to mention anything about my lifestyle, in case I get a smarmy insult. Nothing will make them happy, there'll always be something for them to rib me about.

Please don't pick at your DD when she talks about schools or skiing. It's unlikely that your comments will "pull her back down to earth". Your DD doesn't sound detached or snobbish, she sounds like she's thinking about her kids. Addressed your own discomfort and take responsibility for it.

This is us. DH brother is v rich, worked hard for it but it still feels a bit unfair. SiL was a lady who lunches SAHM, they have bought their now adult children houses and have amazing holidays and designer gear. They go VIP to all the big bands, in London and abroad.
They have a lovely life.

I've only skim read through a lot of replies so might have already been said.

But do you remember when Princess Di used to take the boys to theme parks and macdonalds? Because she wanted them to have a normal -away from all the money- life experiences.

I think you're doing a lot more for them than you realise.