Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

This thread demonstrates extremely clearly why some women stay in entirely unsuitable marriages. Because they do not want the fucking HORROR of potential step families for their children, as demonstrated on here.

Well I’m glad you’ve realised that he doesn’t call the shots. He’s unlikely to go to divorce over it.

That sums it up.

This is quite confusing. There are three children here?
Her DH had a dd when they met (the now-14 year old). OP had a dd (who is now 9. And they've had a child together, who's now 5?
14 yo >going on the trip, regardless.
9 yo > not invited
5 yo > invited but OP and her DH disagree on whether she should go or not.

See my eldest gc has 2 younger brothers. I don't see them as my grandchildren. I politely ask after them but that's about it

Well legally both her and her dh get to decide not just her.

She can’t just say no anymore than he can just say yes. unless they want a divorce.

No to one going no to both going was my point.

Of course she gets a say on her own child 😂 I don’t give a stuff what her DH thinks.

I wouldn’t let the youngest go. No way would I have my other child missing out like that.

Well I don’t consider my step granny’s and step aunties and step cousins family. In fact they are called by their names rather than step or not step anything. Only my step parent gets a parent name.

On a day to day basis they don’t cross my mind and tbh apart from large family gatherings where I would invite family I might not of seen in a year again they don’t cross my mind and I’m pretty sure the feelings mutual.

And doing that will make the younger one resent the older one in future if she misses out on everything her cousins do because her elder sister has a different dad

Yeah I think there are multiple threads with family issues.

I think Op needs to change how she frames these situations for her older child and how she reacts to them because the family are not going to change their behaviour or how they treat older child.

Or someone who’s had previous experience of losing ‘stepgrandchildren’ who were only in their lives because of a relationship, and whom they would never see again if that ended.

My parents adored my sister’s stepchildren, and have never recovered from the abrupt end of that relationship — he cheated, and my sister didn’t even get to say goodbye to the children, who were with their mother, and too young to be able to contact her independently, and of course my parents never saw them again either. She’s now happily married to a man with children from his first marriage, but my parents are afraid to love them freely.

Yabu

The situation isn't going to change.

Your older daughter needs to get used to the dynamics.

But your younger daughter and older one will have very different lives as they get older.

It's just life.

It's no one's fault.

But I think you need to change how you see these situations and frame them for your older daughter.

You don't want her to get a chip on her shoulder and become bitter as she gets older.

She is a child, you are an adult. If she “ doesn’t register” that is about you, not the child. What kind of fully functioning adult doesn’t register a child?
And yes, my step grand daughter absolutely features in my will! She is FAMILY.

Not best for them, no.

Their lives don’t revolve around her best interests. They don’t take precedence over the best interests of their actual child/grandchild who doesn’t find the ‘all in’ blended family model to be in any way an attractive proposition (even if you do).

OP is the one who chose this for her daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well from her PoV your elder DD is not her close family. It’s hurtful for you but I can see her point.

Someone who doesn’t see it as deliberate exclusion.

Rather I wish to take my grandchildren.

Not I wish to exclude ops child. Ops child just doesn’t register since she’s not a grandchild.

Just like she presumably won’t be in any wills.

Much like yet again another poster who’s mad her joint son? got a whole house while her son who’s just hers is a drop out. She’s mad about her one son getting help. Expecting others again to sub and replace her deadbeats.

Who with any heart would exclude a 9 year old? Awful

Well her eldest isn’t invited in the first place so there is not stopping her going.

Her youngest she doesn’t get only say on. She shares her with her dh and his happy for her to go.

Agreed.

No way on earth would I be letting a 5 year old go abroad with 8 other kids only supervised by 2 adults. Forgetting how they’ve treated your eldest DD (which is awful) the safety issue is enough of a reason to say no to your youngest.

It’s not her SD at issue. It’s her youngest with her husband and her eldest with another man, it’s her eldest who’s NFI.

Hang on…weren’t you the poster with the wedding invite disaster a few months ago? Honestly this man has taken on enough. You need to stop thinking it’s his and his family’s job to fix it all.

Jesus, you talk about that child like she’s a….vase? Whomever is at fault, it’s not the child, she has had no choice in any of this. How do you think she feels to be excluded? Wouldn’t it be best if all the adults in her life acted in her best interests? If the adults were, you know…..adult, and did the right thing?
There is literally no scenario in which I would I exclude a child in my immediate or wider family in this way. Blood be damned, children matter.

How’s op going to stop her step daughter going that’s laughable.